The Journey

Center of the Universe

2011-10-22T17:52:00.000-07:00

One of the most liberating realizations that I have ever had is that I am not the center of the universe. Oh sure, it sounds really cool to be the cause of all things that happen, however I think that by releasing the belief that everyone's behavior is somehow related to me, I was able to gain freedom from anxiety and was able to develop a much greater compassion for those around me.

There was a time in my life that I believed that everyone's emotional state of mind was somehow a result of something that I said or did. Every perceived slight created a sense of anxiety in me that I had somehow "done something" to upset that person or make them act that way. If a sales clerk was rude or inattentive, they were somehow responding negatively to me. If my partner was quiet or surly, it was because I had said or done something wrong. If my boss was dismissive, it must be because she was unhappy with my work. If a friend didn't return my call right away, she must be mad at me. You get the picture: I created my own stress and insecurity. What I needed to do was to take myself out of the equation. Chances were, their behavior had nothing to do with me anyway, and by not assuming that I was the cause of people's negativity, I was able to free myself from unnecessary anxiety. My overactive imagination became an impediment to developing happy and healthy relationships with those around me, so I decided to stop thinking that the world and everyone else's behavior revolved around me.

Another thing that I stopped doing is assuming that I understood everyone else's motivation. We've all been driving down the freeway when someone comes speeding along, tailgating and swerving in and out of vehicles. "What an asshole!" is usually our reaction. If this happens on a day in which we may be feeling a little aggressive, we turn into the idiot that we perceive that driver to be! We speed up or slow down so that driver can't pass. Or we flip off the person off or yell profanities. But let's reframe this: what if that person is really rushing to the hospital or experiencing some other sort of emergency? Maybe that person is not really a jerk at all, but just reacting to some stimuli that is unknown by us. By not assuming the other driver's motivation, we keep ourselves from becoming the asshole that we perceive them to be.

Many of us work in high pressure jobs, and unfortunately, people in the workplace don't always treat their colleagues with tact and diplomacy. But if we assume that our co-worker's short-temper or ill-phrased comment is a reflection of their opinion of us, we may be doing ourselves a disservice and harming an otherwise good working relationship. What if you just cut your co-worker a little slack, and instead of assuming that he or she is reacting to you, just chalk it up to them having a bad day? By not making someone else's behavior about you, you are able to handle situations and interact with people with much more understanding.

We all have a tough time when we feel as though someone is not being sensitive to our needs and feelings, but let's face it- it's not always about us. Sometimes it's just about them. You can save yourself a lot of grief by letting go of the belief that everyone's behavior is somehow a reaction to you. By not thinking that you are the center of the universe, you free yourself from everyone else's emotional gravity.

Wings

2011-08-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

I held a butterfly with a broken wing;

I raced the dragonflies along the stream.

It made me wonder if it is better to be

beautiful and broken, or fast and free.

Birds of a Feather

2011-01-23T18:20:00.000-08:00

What does your choice of friends say about you? We've all heard the saying "birds of a feather flock together," but are your friends truly a reflection of who you are and what you represent? Or does fate put people in our lives that become important to us irrespective of commonality?

With over 6 billion people on our planet, we have limitless opportunities to develop relationships with others. So how do we decide who becomes a part of our inner circle? Do we seek out those that seem familiar because of shared interests and/or values? Or are we attracted to our opposite in order to obtain some sort of psychological equilibrium or to challenge ourselves? Do we even consciously choose at all?

Perhaps is it more fate-driven. Maybe the universe puts people in our lives that give us what we need at the time. Sometimes people come into our lives to help us heal and to give us hope. These people may not always stay in our lives, but they provide an emotional life preserver to us when we need it.

Other people come into our lives to teach us lessons that we need to learn. These people may cause us great grief, by challenging us. Careful examination of these relationships often reveal a part of our own character or behavior that needed to change in order for us to grow. These relationships can be quite painful, however if we take responsibility for our role in how things played out, we can become a better version of ourselves.

The relationships that we form create meaning in our lives. They build us up and they tear us apart. We learn, we grow and we feel part of something bigger than ourselves. Our friends are there to support us, and sometimes call us out when they see us getting off track. Bottom line: we are pack animals. We are hard-wired to gravitate toward others, and to develop relationships with those around us. Perhaps it really doesn't matter how or why a person comes into your life at all; maybe a better question to ask yourself is what you are bringing to theirs.

Taking Your Own Advice

2010-10-09T16:32:00.000-07:00

It's funny how easy it is to give other people advice. When people come to me with their problems, I am able to listen to the issue with an open mind, consider all the options, and remain objective and practical. It's probably why my phone is always ringing and people are always in my office. I'm a "fixer," and I seem to have the patience and wisdom that people look for when they run into problems.

The irony is that it seems so hard to be clear-headed about my own problems. It's so easy to let emotions cloud better judgement, and sometimes I just feel stuck.

So what do I do when this happens? Well, because I'm a bit of a control freak, I often put a lot of pressure on myself to find immediate solutions. Sometimes an immediate plan of action is necessary, but often times where emotional issues are concerned, I just don't need to have everything figured out right away. Sometimes just letting things take their natural course is the best plan of action, so I just need to let it go. Definitely easier said than done- I'm very hard on myself when I don't have everything figured out. Of course when other people come to me with their problems and it's obvious that they really don't have to make a decision right away, I advise them to leave it alone for a while. "You don't have to decide now," is what I say to people struggling with issues when immediate solutions aren't necessary. We shouldn't be afraid to put our concerns on the back burner for awhile. Things often have a way of working themselves out, especially when it comes to emotional issues. We just need to create a little space to gain perspective.

The other thing that I struggle with is cloudy judgement when it comes to matters of the heart. The crazy thing is that if a friend came to me and described their relationship dynamics, I'd be able to give them razor-sharp advice. I know what works and what doesn't and what's healthy or not. Except when it's MY relationship. Funny how we can have so much clarity when it comes to someone else's problems but we're blind when it comes to our own.

The thing that saves me when I'm in that situation is pretending that I'm not in the situation at all. Here's what I mean: if a friend came to me and gave me all of the details of the issue that I was struggling with, how would I advise them? This enables me to look at things from a more objective point of view. By removing myself and my emotions out of the picture, I am able to see things with much greater clarity. It can be pretty hard to be objective about issues when you're stuck in the middle of them. However, you can gain perspective by taking yourself out of the equation (figuratively speaking of course), and imagining that you are advising someone that you care about instead.

This all comes down to taking your own advice. We all have an amazing ability to remain objective when it comes to other people's problems. Why not apply that same wisdom to your own? Figure out if you really need to worry about an outcome now, or if you might be better off to wait and see how things play out naturally. And when you become emotionally overwhelmed with an issue, ask yourself what you would tell a friend to do if they were in the same situation. Most of us really do instinctively know what to do when we run into problems, however we often let emotions cloud our better judgement. So take a step back and pretend you are advising a friend. When it all comes down to it, we should value ourselves as much as we value the other people in our lives, so doesn't it just make sense to take our own advice?

Damaged Goods

2010-08-25T14:11:00.000-07:00

I guess we're all damaged goods if you think about it. Life beats us up pretty hard, and most of us have the emotional battle scars to prove it. Our experiences shape who we are, but they can also limit our ability to live our best lives.

Family dynamics often play a huge role in how we relate to one another. I don't know anyone that was not somehow "screwed up" by their parents. Children don't come with instruction manuals and most parents don't know what they're doing in spite of their best intentions. What we have to understand is that we are all products of our own experiences, and our parents are no exception. They did the best they could with the resources and experience that they had. You can either chose to chalk it up as a learning experience and rise above crazy family dynamics, or you can continue to blame your parents for all of your problems and let negative patterns continue to affect all your relationships. I don't care how dysfunctional your family might have been, you can, with effort, get past it. I believe that letting a negative past continue to control your future is one of the most self-destructive things a person can do to themselves.

Most of us have been wounded by love at one time or another. Our partners disappoint us, leave us, or wind up not being the people that we think they are or want them to be. Yes, we get our hearts ripped out and tossed on the floor- the problem is that most of us never consider picking our heart back up and putting it back in. We walk around empty, fearing vulnerability, and never develop the courage to love again. But why chose to stay broken? Wounds can heal if you just take the time to repair the damage. So how do you go about repairing the emotional trauma that we all experience?

The first step is to identify your triggers. Do you ever find that you overreact to certain circumstances? If so, that's a pretty good indicator that you've got an emotional scar that probably hasn't quite healed. When you find yourself overreacting or feeling hypersensitive about something that someone says or does, stop for a minute. Identify what it is that caused you pain. What was the behavior that brought on that response? Then look back into your emotional history and try to find what kind of similar experiences you may have had. We often overreact because some old wound never properly healed, and until we identify that wound, we are bound to remain stuck repeating unhealthy patterns.

Secondly, you have to understand your role and responsibilities in the original and subsequently similar situations. Did your behavior cause or contribute to the problem? Unless you are able to look critically at yourself and understand how you contribute to your own pain, you will never fully be able to break free from the cycle.

The final step is to let it go. You know that you can't change the past, and hanging on to pain and negative energy only hurts you in the end. It's very important that you learn what you need through every experience and in every relationship. What you don't need to do is hang on to anger or hurt. This process takes a while and isn't always easy, but the more you realize that we are all operating from a place of dysfunction on one level or another, you can come to the understanding that the pain others may have caused you may not have been intentional. People evolve at different rates and operate from different levels of consciousness. Sometimes other people's behavior doesn't have anything to do with you at all, but rather everything to do with their own dysfunctions. As much as you may hate to admit it, you are not the center of the universe, and other people's behavior may have very little to do with you at all.

So yes, we're all damaged goods to some degree. But it's entirely up to you to decide if you want to remain in an entirely broken state, or do the work necessary to repair what has been broken. Hearts and spirits are much more resilient that you realize, and with a conscious approach to your emotional reactions, you can begin to identify your battle wounds and make sure that they are healing properly. You might be surprised to find that most damage can actually be undone.

Tug of War

2010-07-18T12:19:00.000-07:00

I find it odd that whenever people get involved in an emotional/physical relationship, a power struggle often ensues. It starts out benign enough, but eventually turns into an emotional tug of war. One person is often pulling with all their might, while the other feels a sense of panic as they feel dangerously close to being hurled into the mud.

Relationships, particularly in their embryonic stages, are exciting, scary and often confusing. We're not sure how much of our feelings to share with our new partner because we don't know where their heads are at- and so the game begins...

In the beginning, there's often one person who is more aggressive in moving the relationship along. They call regularly, text, make plans and generally rush to take things to the next level as quickly as possible. This can make the recipient of all this attention feel like they have the upper-hand, or it can send him or her into a state of panic because they feel that things are moving a little too fast. So the recipient, in an attempt to regain balance digs in their heels and pulls back. Maybe they make themselves less available because they don't want to feel consumed. Perhaps they feel pressured to give up the rest of their interests or lives to be in this relationship, or maybe they just prefer to move at a slower emotional pace. In any case, the result always seems to be the same: they attempt to find their balance by digging in, refusing to become vulnerable or moving forward.

The result of this is that the initial aggressor is left confused or hurt, and they often retreat emotionally because they feel rejected. They stop pulling and there's nothing but slack in the rope. But none of us like the feeling of slack, so more often than not, the other person begins to feel ignored and they start to pull. They miss that initial attention and start to pursue their partner with a greater sense of urgency. Unfortunately, what has already manifested are hurt feelings and a sense of vulnerability. Sometimes it's too late, the damage has already been done and the relationship just dies because it is just too little, too late. Other times, it sets in motion a pattern that lasts as long as the relationship is in tact- with one person always pulling and the other in retreat mode- the power shifts back and forth like a metronome.

It's really hard to put yourself out there emotionally when it comes to relationships. We're all afraid of being vulnerable and getting hurt. But what if we never tried? Part of truly living is loving. And yes, sometimes love hurts! But it's also what connects us, what makes us human and what drives us to be our best.

Perhaps if we were just able to communicate our fears honestly with our partners, we would have a greater understanding of what each other needed to feel safe. If we could drop our guard and not take our partner's fears personally, we could listen without feeling threatened. The struggle between dependence and independence is an ongoing one for all of us. None of us want to lose our sense of self in order to be in a relationship, but striking that balance is very difficult. Pulling on the rope is emotional manipulation. It either feels self protective or too aggressive, and it doesn't really serve any healthy purpose.

What if we just considered dropping the rope? Maybe then no one would have to wind up in the mud.

We're Not Getting Out of This Alive

2010-06-05T14:56:00.000-07:00

There comes a point in all of our lives that we become acutely aware of our own mortality- an existential crisis of sorts, where we all begin to question what our lives are all about, and if we're really living them at all.

Modern life is not ordinarily conducive to this sort of reflection: we get so caught up in the day-to-day grind that we rarely stop to question whether or not we are truly living the lives that we were meant to live. Sometimes it takes a crisis to slow us down such as the death of a friend, a health scare or even the approach of a milestone birthday. In any event, it makes me wonder why we are not living our lives more consciously. Why should it take some sort of catastrophic event for us to reflect on the meaning of our lives? Shouldn't we be making choices everyday that bring us closer to being our best selves?

I recently found out that a friend of mine has a year to live. It was quite a shock, especially considering that she is not even in her 40's. It got me thinking about how all of our days are numbered. Life is a finite thing, and yet we often coast along as if we had all the time in the world. We put off doing things or connecting with people that we love because there's always tomorrow. But is there?

What if we lived every day as if it were our last? What would that look like? Would you listen more carefully when someone speaks? Would you open your eyes to the beauty around you? Would you stop to reflect on who you are and what you are passionate about? Are you consciously creating the life you've always dreamed about?

Life is a precious thing and unfortunately it's not going to last forever. Take a moment right now to think about what you want your life to mean- how you'd want to be remembered, and then start working backwards. What can you do today, right here, right now, to get closer to that ideal? Remember- you're not getting out of this alive, so you might as well really start living.

Back in the Saddle

2010-04-11T13:06:00.000-07:00

Boy, did I get thrown from that horse! I got really hurt, so I was afraid to get back in the saddle for a long, long time. But I love to ride, so eventually I had to decide whether or not to let my fear of getting hurt separate me from something that I really want in my life. And so it goes with love.....

I've had my heart broken a time or two, and I'm sure there are those that would say that I have done the same to them. It's something that we all experience, and it never seems to get any easier the second, third, or whatever time around. Let's face it, heartbreak sucks! So how do we process through it, learn the lessons that we need to learn and eventually get back in the saddle?

There are those that subscribe to the philosophy that you just have to get back up on that horse right away. When it comes to love, I would call that the "art of distraction." If you focus on a new object of interest, then you theoretically sweep your pain under the rug, at least for a while. The problem is, the pain is still there, and it's not going anywhere unless you do something with it. Oh sure, you may feel a little better for a while, but if you never process through it, it will just rear its ugly head again- probably to screw up your next relationship. If you don't sit back and analyze where things went off the rails in your last relationship, and acknowledge where you may have contributed to its problems, you are almost guaranteed to repeat your mistakes.

The worst thing you can do is overlap relationships. Cowards are especially fond of this technique because they are so uncomfortable with the idea of being alone, that they will manipulate two people until they are basically forced to make up their minds. Overlapping compromises your integrity, and it creates doubt in the new partner's mind about your ability to be loyal. After all, if it was that easy to take you out of a committed relationship, then how are they supposed to have faith that you can be loyal to them? In addition, overlapping never allows you to gain the understanding required to be more successful in a relationship the next time around. So if you are in a relationship that is not working out, please spare your current and potential partners the indignity of "the overlap." You'll feel much better about yourself in the long run.

Of course the flip side of the overlap and the art of distraction is allowing your fear of getting hurt to keep you from ever taking another chance on love. Oh sure, you might be saved from getting your heart broken again, but is that really living? Part of being fully engaged in life means experiencing all human emotions: happiness, joy, sorrow and pain. Without a few of the lows, would we ever be able to fully appreciate the highs? It's that beautiful contrast of emotions that really color our world. Even though I've gotten the shit kicked out of me by love, I'm not willing to give up the opportunity to experience those amazing highs again. Love really is a powerful thing: it can build us up and tear us down, but our faith in believing that we can, and will love again, will get us through those tough times. Isolating yourself from the possibilities of love only hurts you, even if it does feel safer at the time.

So what's the answer? Spend the time that you need to understand the dynamics of your failed relationships. We're all here to learn, and like it or not, failed relationships are probably our best teachers. We learn so much about ourselves when we can be objective about our relationship dynamics. So ask yourself what you needed to learn. What can you do better the next time around? How can you better communicate with a partner, and how can you be more sensitive to the needs of another human being? By taking the time to answer these questions, you will be better prepared to be in another relationship.

So don't let your fear of getting hurt get in the way of ever loving again. Take some time for yourself and surround yourself with friends and family so you don't feel alone. Process through what you need to and develop a better game plan for the next time around. And when you're ready, put your riding boots back on and get back up on that horse. Never let fear get in the way of enjoying a great ride!

Killing Polly

2010-04-03T08:54:00.000-07:00

Don't worry, your parrots are safe. I'm talking about Pollyanna, that icon of blind optimism. You see, throughout my life I've been an incurable optimist. Optimism in itself is a wonderful thing: it gives us hope. But blind optimism, or the refusal to see people and circumstances for who or what they really are, can be detrimental to our well-being.

I've always prided myself on focusing on the best in people, in fact I've often said that I could get along with the devil himself if I had to. Unfortunately, looking back at my past experiences, I would say that I have put up with many people and circumstances that were clearly not good for me, just because I refused to focus on, or even truly acknowledge, the negative. My myopic optimism has not served me well- I've put up with tyrannical bosses, toxic friendships and men that carry around so much emotional baggage that we needed a bellhop 24/7. You cannot have clear vision if you are wearing rose-colored glasses.

Dr. Phil McGraw states that "people show you who they are, you just have to believe them." I can't think of a statement that is more true. We need to take people at face value, not filter them through our fantasy lens. Sometimes we want something so badly that we ignore what is really being presented to us. We choose to ignore red flags and we are attracted to people for "their potential" rather than for who they are. The problem is, most people never quite measure up to "their potential," so what we're stuck with is the reality. The whole point is, we need to quit trying to make people into what we wish they could be, and just acknowledge who they are. Most people are great, and those are the people that I want to surround myself with, instead of wasting time with those that are not.

Now I'll never be a cynic- it's just not in my nature. However I am going to start calling a spade, a spade, instead of a diamond in the rough. I'm no longer going to blindly accept that all people have my best interest in mind and believe that all people are honest with me. Unfortunately experience has taught me otherwise. That being said, I still believe that there are wonderful people in our world and that life is a great adventure, but I'm no longer going to overlook the obvious just because I want to believe the best about everybody. So I'm taking off my rose colored glasses and finally enjoying 20/20 vision.

And as for Pollyanna? May she rest in peace.

Pants On Fire

2010-02-13T08:32:00.000-08:00

To tell the truth, nothing but the truth, so help me God.

Truth telling seems to be lost on many of us. Society teaches us that sometimes it is better (easier) to tell "little white lies" as opposed to being honest about what we want or how we feel. As children we often learn that there are repercussions in telling the truth. So what is that really doing for our society and our relationships?

In his book , Loving Each Other, Leo Buscaglia states " Only the truth can help us feel secure. Only truth can bring us the necessary trust needed for long-lasting relationships. Only truth, painful though it may sometimes be, can create a safe environment of unity and growth." Without truth, our relationships are like a house of cards- not stable. Without honesty, there can be no trust, and without trust, there ultimately can be no relationship.

Unfortunately, there are many people that fear telling the truth. They are so paralyzed by the possibility of short-term repercussions that they fail to understand the long-term affects that lies have on a relationship. Often these people are so fearful of rejection they will say anything to avoid conflict. This avoidance of the truth only serves to create a chasm between the liar and the partner. Even though the partner may not be aware of the untruth, the lie erodes the relationship. The liar often (unless he or she is a Sociopath) experiences some anxiety in telling the lie. The liar now must also try to remember the fabrication in detail, so that he or she does not tell a different story the next time the issue comes up. The whole process becomes emotionally exhausting and ultimately takes its toll on a relationship. Relating and connecting become much more difficult because the energy that is expended in covering one's tracks depletes what emotional energy one has to give to the relationship.

Some would say that there are different degrees of lying, ranging from "little white lies" to "pants on fire" lies. The little white lie is often used to avoid hurting someone's feelings, and some would say that they are necessary to live in polite society. But really, couldn't we just be honest and work on our delivery so that the truths that we tell are not hurtful? If relationships are built on trust, we must be honest with one another. Sensitivity and truth-telling can go hand in hand if we take the time to think about how the people in our lives will respond to our message. The bottom line is that if we ever expect to have deep relationships, we must be able to express what we think and how we feel without fear of retribution. It takes a lot of confidence to be a truth teller, confidence that can only be built with practice.

So if you want to build deep, solid relationships, tell the people in your life how you feel. Be honest, even when it seems difficult. More often than not, you will find that the people in your life respect you much more for being honest with them. Sure, a little diplomacy never hurts. Just remember, if you want to build strong bonds with people and earn their trust, you cannot stretch or omit the truth. No one will ever be able to be close to someone that has their pants on fire.

Burying the Dead

2010-02-06T09:43:00.000-08:00

“They build a cemetery right across the street from your house!” exclaimed my friend Jen.

Part of me thought that it was a little creepy having a cemetery so close, after all, I’d seen every horror flick made between 1964 and 1980, thanks to a mother with a fascination with the macabre. Images of flesh-eating zombies danced in my head as Jen continued filling me in on the recent zoning changes in my neighborhood. How am I going to sleep? I wondered to myself. All I could think about were the nightmares that I was likely to have from here on out. “I don’t know if I’m going to be able to live that close to a cemetery,” I told Jen.

“But it’s really beautiful,” replied Jen, “You’ll see.”

What’s that going to feel like? I wondered for myself. I instinctively felt an aversion to having the dead so close to me. As we rounded the corner, what came into view was not a scene out of one of my mother’s movies, but rather an image of peace, tranquility and rest. A long pergola with flowering branches graced the entrance. There were no headstones, just grand expanses of lush, green grass. The air was fresh, and I could hear birds singing and children laughing. I felt content. And then I woke up.

Curious dream, I thought to myself. The emotions that it evoked were so strong, the images so clear.

Later that day, I participated in a Yoga Nidra workshop. If you’re not familiar with Yoga Nidra, think relaxation poses combined with hypnotherapy and you’ll have the idea. I’d been having trouble sleeping since the awful breakup of my last relationship, and I knew that I had to develop a healthy way to get a good night’s sleep, so I’d signed up for the class. The heading on the flyer said “Sleep Like a Baby with Yoga Nidra.” Well, I was already sleeping like a baby (waking up every two hours!), but I was pretty sure that was not what they meant.

When I walked into the workshop, I was surprised to find about 60 other insomniacs already camped out around the room. Bolsters and blankets were stacked around all of the participants- the essentials for human nest-making in the world of yoga.

Lisa, our guide in this journey, led us through some gentle yoga poses before settling us into Savasana, (also known as Corpse Pose). Eyes closed, body relaxed, mind quiet. I listened to Lisa’s voice, following her instructions as she directed our attention to different parts of our bodies. As we settled into our trance-like states, I could hear participants around the room starting to snore. I would later joke with my friends about sleeping with 60 people in one afternoon.

I followed Lisa’s voice as she then called out images to the group, “Golden Egg, Pyramid, Eagle…” Pictures flashed through my mind with little consequence or emotional reaction. “Dancing Shiva, Om, Mandala…” she continued. “Dead Body…”

Whoa! I felt my whole spiritual body lurch back in aversion to that one! The image hit my unconscious in a way that I had never felt before. It was unsettling, and I found myself a little disturbed that she threw something so repulsive in amongst all those other pleasant images that she was suggesting. My emotional reaction was so great that it stuck with me. Why did my spiritual body/unconscious react in such a violent way?

As Lisa closed the session, she asked if any of us experienced any kind of physical/emotional reactions to any of the images. She explained that if we felt any strong sensations, it was because our spirits needed to release a fear, desire or old wound. She was asked by one of the other participants why she threw in “dead body” amongst all of those other benign images. She explained that all the images were archetypes or parts of the collective unconscious. She said that most Americans fear death, but that death is a natural part of the life cycle; that we must accept death as inevitable, and understand that our peace with its concept will help us fully embrace our lives. She continued by explaining that any kind of strong sensation that we experienced to any of the images was our subconscious releasing spiritual pain.

After the workshop, I felt an odd sense of peace, in fact I felt a sense of contentment that I hadn’t felt in over a year. My long term angst had everything to do with the dissolution of my last relationship. That breakup had been the ultimate betrayal and heartbreak, leaving me wondering if I could/would ever be able to love and trust again. For a while after I had kicked that man out of my life, I found myself still wanting him on some level. To stop that pattern, I started my own little practice of aversion therapy. Whenever I found myself missing him or thinking that he was good (which he clearly was not), I would picture him as a maggot-ridden, rotting corpse. I know, it sounds gross, but it definitely stops any thoughts of desire dead in their tracks! I pictured the smell, the decay and all of the worst images of death. No one wants to snuggle up with a corpse, the only practical thing to do with the dead is to bury it.

You see, hanging on to lost love, or a fantasy of reuniting with someone that is clearly bad for you is kind of like clinging to the dead. If you can’t let go, you can never be open to what life can offer you in love. If you’ve ever read Faulkner’s short story A Rose for Emily, you’ll know what I mean. Clinging to a corpse keeps you stuck. In order to move forward, you must bury the dead once and for all.

So it all came together in my unconscious that day: the cemetary in my dream, the release in the Yoga Nidra workshop and my own images of a love that had died. My unconscious had finally thrown that last shovel of dirt on the corpse, putting it where it belonged, in its final resting place. I was now free, no longer haunted by unresolved issues: the flesh-eating zombies of the unconscious. I had buried my dead and was now able to fully embrace my life.

Full Disclosure

2009-12-26T09:27:00.000-08:00

To tell, or not to tell? That is the question.

As much as we may try to convince ourselves otherwise, we all want to be loved and accepted by others. We want people to think highly of us and not judge us for our imperfections. To avoid rejection, we often keep parts of ourselves hidden from the very people that we want to be closest to. We don't express our hopes and fears, nor do we share the mistakes that we have made in the past. Unfortunately, this only leaves us feeling isolated and doubting our self worth. After all, how can someone really love us if they don't know who we really are?

Full disclosure is a leap of faith. Showing the world who you are, imperfections and all, is a scary thing. We don't know how others are going to react and more often than not, we project that they will meet our confessions with rejection. So rather than sharing who we are, we continue to hide behind our social mask, hoping that we can maintain the persona that we have created, all the while feeling alone.

When we fail to let people know us, we live our lives feeling isolated. If no one knows the "real you," how can they fully love and accept you? This becomes a vicious cycle: you don't feel accepted, so you hide more of who you are, retreating behind your social veneer farther and farther until you feel completely alienated. What you don't realize is that you are doing it to yourself!

Meaningful relationships are built on trust and acceptance. If you do not have trust in the people around you to accept who you really are, then perhaps you are hanging out with the wrong people. People instinctively want to connect with others- it's how we're wired. We all want to feel part of something bigger than ourselves, part of a larger group. We want to belong. However in order for that to happen, we must have faith that those around us will love us, blemishes and all.

Everyone has their issues. No one is perfect, and no one expects you to be perfect either. Perfection is a myth- an unattainable goal. Besides, the idea of perfection is subjective anyway- one person's "perfect" may be another person's crap! The best anyone can strive for is to try to live their lives being true to themselves.

Confidence and great relationships are based on being honest with yourself and honest with others. People are not always going to agree with your opinions, and that's OK. You're also going to occasionally say or do things that people don't like or don't agree with, and that's OK too. But at least you will know who you are and others will know you too.

If you really want to gain confidence and have meaningful relationships, start practicing full disclosure. Show people who you really are. Talk to them about your experiences, both good and bad. Share what you have learned in this life so far. Sharing yourself with others creates confidence and bonds you with the people in your life. The people that love you are going to accept that you are not perfect. When people share who they are, they learn from one another and create a sense of community.

We have to remember that in order to create a meaningful existence, we need to connect with others. Without full disclosure, there is no connection. If you want to make an impact, be true to yourself and honest with others. You are unique and beautiful. People will accept you. Strong relationships will develop and your confidence will increase. Being honest about who you are will enhance every aspect of your life. So what are you waiting for? Get out there and show the world the real you!

Finding Happiness

2009-12-20T08:16:00.000-08:00

How often have you heard people say "If only I had (fill in the blank: more money/a better job/a different partner), I would be happy?" It is as if they believe that by changing a circumstance, all of their problems will be solved. Now I don't deny that sometimes circumstances do need to change for a person to live their best life, however the point that I am trying to make here is that if a person is constantly looking to "find happiness" outside of themselves, they will always wind up being disappointed.

Happiness is not a destination, it is a state of mind. Searching for happiness is a futile endeavor; being happy is not.

Isn't that great news? We don't have to rely on any other source than ourselves to be happy. All we have to do is choose it!

I know that some of you may be thinking that it is easier said than done, but it really is that simple. Here's a couple of tips:

Stop upsetting yourself. Sometimes your imagination can be your own worst enemy. We often get stuck in a rut obsessing about problems. We rerun conflicts through our mind on a continuous loop, playing out a zillion different scenarios of what what we should have said or done differently. Sometimes we even create our own drama by making up conflicts that don't even exist. It's like we're writing a screenplay for a very bad soap opera. Stop it already! This kind of thinking is not good for your state of mind. It creates a lot of anxiety and keeps you focused on the past. When you catch yourself engaging in that sort of thought process, refocus on something else. Interrupt your negative thoughts and substitute something more positive and forward thinking. Worry and negative obsessing about an unpleasant circumstance will only bring you down.

Stop thinking about what you don't have. Seriously. We have gotten to the point in our society that we have lost our grip on reality. Consumerism and pop culture have created such a void in our psyches that we have all but forgotten that we are more fortunate than most of the people in this world. Even if you have suffered major setbacks: job loss, illness or loss of a loved one, there are many others that are worse off than you. Life is sometimes hard and often messy. It's just the way it is. The good news is that with pain comes purpose. The bad stuff that comes your way is kind of like having a fracture: we get stronger in the broken places. Start practicing downward comparison. I recently went through a bit of an emotional rough patch and was feeling pretty blue. When I opened my eyes to those around me and heard what they were going through, I realized that I was incredibly fortunate by comparison. Oh sure, I could always compare myself to someone that is smarter/richer/prettier than me, but that's just going to make me feel bad. A much more effective thought process is to compare myself to those less fortunate; it makes me grateful for what I have rather than thinking about what I lack. Gratitude is a gift that you give yourself.

Act like a child. No, I'm not saying to be egocentric and throw temper tantrums when you don't get your way. I'm saying that we should never lose our sense of curiosity, joy and laughter. Remember what it was like when you didn't worry about what others thought of you and you weren't trying to fit yourself into a model of what society wanted you to be? Remember when you were free to act silly and laugh at yourself? As adults, we take ourselves way too seriously; we have all but lost our sense of humor when it comes to ourselves. We've forgotten that joy can be found in the smallest things: the graceful way an autumn leaf falls to the ground, the smell of freshly mowed grass, the warmth of the sun on our faces. We get too busy in our lives to notice all of the magic around us. We forget how to play. Think back on the simple pleasures you enjoyed as a child: climbing a tree, rolling down a hill, swinging high on a swing. Remember how good all of those things made you feel? Embrace your creative and childlike spirit. Try new things and go new places. Get out of your routine and just go explore life as if it were a wonderful scavenger hunt. Laugh at yourself and surround yourself with people that you love. Talk to your friends about ideas rather than just problems. You'll be amazed at the way it can change your relationships and your focus.

Life is a journey. The end result will be the same for all of us. None of us are getting out of this alive, so we might as well try to enjoy the process as much as possible. Stop waiting for something/someone to come along to make you happy. It's not going to happen. Happiness is an emotional state, not a destination or end result of a circumstance. I think that's pretty good news, since my state of mind is about the only thing I have control of in this crazy world.

Daddy's Little Girl

2009-11-29T11:32:00.000-08:00

It’s Thanksgiving. A small, group is gathered around the table: a divorced, middle-aged man, his daughter, son-in-law and son. The evening seems to be going well in spite of the man’s recent loss of his long-term girlfriend and business. It’s the first year in a long time that he has really felt alone. He’s currently homeless, but spending a lot of time visiting relatives so he usually has a roof over his head. He’s in an odd place emotionally, but feels he’s finally on the right track because now he’s found Jesus. He’s never developed deep relationships because he has never felt safe or secure enough to let people in, but since Jesus saved him, he’s really trying to stop being so emotionally retarded. He’s finally trying to reconnect with his family in a more meaningful way.

So imagine his surprise when his daughter, after consuming a few glasses of wine, expresses to him that she does not believe that he is her biological father. He already feels alienated from most of the people in his life, and now this? Happy Friggin’ Thanksgiving! When she makes this announcement, he feels the bile rise into his throat. Everyone at the table is stunned, silent, and all eyes are on him, waiting for his reaction. He just sits there for what seems like an eternity, trying to process what was just said.

He flashes back to 30 years ago. He was a sixteen year old kid, in boarding school. Not just any boarding school, but a Fundamentalist Christian boarding school. His parents had found Jesus (just why Jesus needs to be constantly ‘found’ is a mystery to me, but anyway), they were insuring that their Number One Son was kept away from all things secular. The best thing about this boarding school was that it also kept him far away from the girl that he had been seeing- a flirty girl that seemed to know her way around the boys. Yes, the best thing for him would be to be far away, so he could focus on Jesus.

The funny thing is, Jesus has a hard time competing with hormones, especially those raging inside a teen-aged boy. Even though 30 miles now separated him from this girl and he didn’t have a car, he would find a way to see her, touch her and eventually sleep with her. It wasn’t as difficult as it could have been, since when he got there, they had total freedom. You see, she was older and had her own apartment. She could have anyone over that she wanted, and of course, his parents would never know. After all, they thought he was practicing his devotionals in the school's chapel.

She was a smart girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Her parents had also found Jesus and were heavily involved in the church. When you grow up in a small town, much of your social status is dependent on the church that you attend. Her family had strategically placed themselves in the church that had attracted the naïve wealthy, so that they could pretend to be part of a more affluent group than which they really belonged.

He was athletic yet awkward and painfully shy around girls. She was popular and effervescent. She could prod him out of his shell, which initially pleased his parents, since they were aware that their son was socially stunted. He had never really fit in at school. He struggled academically and had flunked second grade. Back in those days, being held back a grade made you a social pariah. Since he was born in January, he was already older than most of his classmates, so when he was held back a year, he was physically developed way beyond his peers. Growing up, the last thing you want is to be different, but he stood out like a goose amongst a flock of ducks.

The only thing that gave him any amount of confidence was his athletic ability. Being so much bigger and faster than the other kids gave him a competitive advantage. So that’s how he found his only confidence- in athletics. He became a local track star, breaking school records. He would never be able to get into a college with his grades, but just maybe he could get in with an athletic scholarship. After all, the professors just give their star athletes passing grades so that they could continue to compete in the athletic programs. That’s where the schools get most of their revenue anyway. So his parents could relax in knowing that their son could make something of himself after all.

The girl recognized that this boy may be her ticket out of her small life in this small town. He came from a great family- his father was the president of both the bank and the country club. They hosted the most fabulous parties in town, had a house on snob hill and one of the only swimming pools within a 200 mile radius. He was good looking, but lacked awareness of the fact, and because he was so naive, he was easy to manipulate.

She was popular with the boys. She knew how to toy with them and make them want her. She played the game well, telling each of them what they wanted to hear and giving them what she thought they would respond to. She knew this boy was a virgin, so she played that part with him too. Pretending to be inexperienced, she made him feel like they were experiencing sex for the first time together, when in reality; it was the farthest thing from the truth.

On the day that he was running in the State Finals, she approached him, presumably to wish him luck. He’s busy warming up for the race, but he turns to her, confident that he is about to win and make her proud of him. But instead of wishing him luck, she tells him that she is pregnant. The blood rushes from his face and he suddenly feels the world spinning out of control around him. The referee announces the start of the race and the runners take their places. She returns to the stands.

The starting gun goes off and he tears off down the track, running from the news that he’s just been given. Never before has he been so scared or so motivated to run. Run far and run fast is what his mind is screaming. He is not even aware that he is competing in a race: he is running for his life. He wins the race, breaking the state record while she has just broken his hopes and dreams for a future.

Both sets of parents are furious. In their world, adoption is the only option, and these kids are banned from seeing each other ever again. She will be sent away to stay with a relative while “in her condition,” and he will go back to boarding school where he can concentrate on being a better Christian. So it’s settled.

It’s settled for everyone but him. As the baby continues to grow inside of her, a feeling inside of him also grows: the feeling that he needs to become a man. The thought of his child being out in the world with strangers gnaws at him until he feels sick. He doesn’t know what it is to be a man, let alone a father, but he believes that it is the right thing to do. So he meets her at the Laundromat one Saturday afternoon and asks her to marry him.

She cries in relief. She doesn’t want to give up her baby either. She wants a good life, with a good husband from a good family. She projects into the future: he can get a good job at the Bank; she can have a lovely home, family and social life. She just knows that once they are married, his parents will embrace her and grace them with their generosity. It’s going to be perfect! And what no one else knows will ever hurt them.

Except it doesn’t go that way. His parents are not supportive of their decision to marry. The cut him off from any financial help and he is forced to drop out of high school in his Junior Year and get a manual job at the paper mill. It is back-breaking, mind-numbing work, but all he is qualified for. She has the baby, a beautiful little girl.

The room begins to come back into focus. Yes, it’s Thanksgiving. “What makes you think that I’m not your biological father?” he asks. This young woman that he has always thought of as “his little girl” lists a myriad of reasons. All of these make sense to him and he begins to question his paternity himself. She does not resemble him in appearance or personality. He remembers details about his ex-wife that leave many questions in his mind. Wasn’t he away for several weeks hiking during the time that she would have conceived “their” baby?

They agree to take a paternity test. He didn’t realize what an easy process it is to do physically- just a swab on the inside of your cheek. Not so easy emotionally though- especially since the results will not be known for over a week. He’s upset that he has agreed to go on a Mexican Riviera Cruise with a friend of his. He doesn’t want to go now, but he committed months ago and it’s already paid for. He can’t bail out of it now.

So days later, he sits on the deck of a cruise ship, trying to keep his mind on the book he is pretending to read as the bloated white bodies of tourists float around him in holiday glee. The churning of the vast sea around him is consistent with what is going on in his stomach, his head and his heart. Could he have been cheated out of the last 30 years of his life? Has his life been all about being a victim of circumstance and being duped? Or is he exactly where he should be at this given moment- having an existential crisis on the deck of a cruise ship? And most importantly, when the results of the test are received, will she still be Daddy’s Little Girl?

You Never Know...

2009-11-10T20:18:00.000-08:00

I was recently asked to describe a time in my life when a person said something to me or treated me in such a way that it made a positive difference in my life. What immediately came to mind was something that transpired many years ago. The event itself was not monumental, but the impact that it made on me forever changed my life.

The image that came to mind was an evening when my family was camping with a bunch of friends. I was probably six or seven. The evening and the event itself were insignificant in of themselves, but the feelings that I experienced that night and the event that followed, had an indelible impact on me.

Donald (my mom's friend's boyfriend) and I had walked from the campsite down to the water's edge. I don't remember if we were fishing or if he was playing the guitar or what we were doing. I don't even remember specifically what we were talking about. What I do remember was that he was speaking to me as if I mattered. He acknowledged that how I felt and what I thought were important. He paid attention to me (something my own parents rarely did) and he talked to me as if I was an adult. Like I said, I don't remember specifically what was said, but I remember the tone: introspective and philosophical. No adult had ever talked to me like that before. Heck, most of them still don't.

We must have sat at the water's edge under a starlit sky for hours, engaged in a dialog lost from my memory years ago. There seemed to be such a sensitivity about him, and he was the only adult that seemed to understand who I was. Before we walked back to camp, he said something to me in closing (again, I can't remember what it was)- words of encouragement of some kind. He then kissed me on my forehead and we headed back to the others sitting around the campfire. He seemed like an angel to me, and my heart overflowed with love for him.

A few months later when my mom was picking us up after work, I overheard her mention Donald to the babysitter. He had committed suicide by filling up the bathtub with water, climbing in and placing an electric radio in the tub with him. He took his own life.

I was shocked and deeply saddened that a man that I had felt so much love and admiration for had felt so isolated and uncared for that he would do such a thing. It's 40 years later and I still think of Donald and how he made me feel that night at the lake. He couldn't have known how much I thought of him, or the impact that he had on me that night. It hurts me to think that he never realized the lives that he touched, or the amount of love that others had for him.

We often get bogged down in the mire of our own self-doubts and lack of self worth. Despair is probably the most crippling of emotions. Hopefully that is not an emotion that often overcomes you, but if it ever does, please remember a couple of things: you have had a positive impact on many of the lives that you have touched and are loved more than you realize. You never know how much you matter to someone, even if it's just one little girl.

Decisions, decisions....

2009-11-07T09:04:00.000-08:00

There are times in our lives when we are truly at the crossroads- when we are forced to chose between two paths that are often heading in completely different directions. It can be a scary, paralyzing place to be, because most of us don't want to make the wrong choice. Some of us turn outward to help us decide: we rely on the advice of our trusted friends or family members. Others seek out spiritual guidance through prayer or meditation. And then there are those that turn to the Magic 8 Ball.

I love to get the opinions of those that I trust. Sometimes discussing options with others can bring about a new perspective to a situation. Other people can serve as a surface in which to bounce things off, and as a mirror, to reflect back to you your own hopes and dreams.

I take time to reflect on my choices. I listen with my body, and pay attention to the physical sensations that I get when I ponder each opportunity. Do I feel anxiety building in me when I think of either option, or do I feel a sense of peace? What happens to my breathing- does it become shallow and labored, or does it slow and deepen? The universe works through the physical body; I just need to be aware of what I am sensing.

I also try to consider whether I have multiple options- am I only deciding between two things, or might there be other avenues to consider? It's not that I want to complicate things more than they already are, it's just that I want to make sure that I'm not missing out on a better alternative.

I then ask myself which of my choices will help me grow the most in my quest to live a healthy, emotionally stable and meaningful life. Which of my choices will help me gain wisdom? What will the "emotional climate" be like with each of these options? Which of these paths will help nourish and encourage me most on my journey through life?

The universe presents opportunities for reasons often unknown to me at the time; doors are always opening and closing for all of us. What door just swung open? Are there obstacles in the way of either choice? Sometimes obstacles are put in the way as a deterrent, a sign that I'm on the wrong track. I'm not saying that I always take the easy way, however if things seem to be naturally falling into place, that is often an indication that I am headed in the right direction. If either option is met with a lot of resistance, it may mean that the universe does not intend for that to be my path.

Lastly, I remind myself that I need to live a life of no regrets (OK, maybe more like 'as few regrets as possible'). I try to look at my choices from the perspective of ten years from now. Will I always wonder what could have been? Will I hate myself for not taking a chance? Is there a way that I can do it all? I ask myself again what I want my life to look like- what is my heart's desire? And then I ask myself what, if anything (emotionally/physically), is holding me back or making me afraid to take the leap.

Decisions are often scary and complicated, but they are how we design our life. We all have to remember that no matter what, we have the ability to change course, backtrack or make adjustments in our lives in order to become our best selves. The path lies ahead, and it's important to keep moving forward. I try not to let fear paralyze me, and I always keep in mind, that if I'm still uncertain as to which road to take, there's always the Magic 8 Ball.

Fuzzy Lines?

2009-10-07T21:31:00.000-07:00

So someone told me today that they thought the line between right and wrong was getting fuzzy. It got me thinking: have moral standards really changed? Do people really not know when they are doing something wrong, or are they just trying a little harder to justify their behavior?

It seems that it's human nature to make excuses for one's own bad choices- it's a psychological form of self-preservation. If we can validate our choices, then we can feel good about ourselves. No one wants to think of themselves as a "bad person," right? So we rationalize our bad behavior, often placing blame on the very person that we injured by our actions.

Look, we all screw up. There isn't a person in the world that hasn't hurt another, or done the wrong thing. It's what we do and how we learn. I'm a great example- I think every lesson that I've ever learned has been the hard way- just ask my parents. I've screwed up a lot, and sure, I've tried to rationalize my choices, but when it comes right down to it, I have to admit to myself that I did the wrong thing. The upside is that I have the opportunity to learn from it.

The line between right and wrong hasn't changed, but our collective behavior as a society has, because we've made excuses for ourselves and not called out the bad behavior of others. Maybe it's time to rethink this trend, because it's not doing any of us any good. I'm not saying that we should all walk around in judgement of each other, but calling someone out on their crap may be just the thing that they need to hear in order to grow. I know it sounds like the quickest way to alienate yourself from others, but when it's done in the right spirit, it can actually bring you closer. True friends look out for each other, and sometimes that means speaking up when you see them headed down the wrong path.

More importantly though, is to own up to your own mistakes, and take what you needed to learn so that you do better next time. Don't try to defend your bad choices, learn from them and move on. Sometimes we just need to redraw those lines when they get fuzzy and do our best not to go over them again.

Ignoring Stop Signs

2009-10-04T09:33:00.000-07:00

I'm a typical California driver. When I think I can get away with it, I have a tendency to roll right through stop signs when there is no opposing traffic. It's a bad habit, and I'm not even sure why I do it. It's as if I don't want to be bothered with that momentary pause that is required to reflect to see if it is safe to proceed. Unfortunately I'm the same way with relationships.

Looking back on my romantic disasters, I see how all the warning signals and stop signs were there at the very beginning- indicators that there was danger ahead and that I should proceed at my own risk. I rolled right through them anyway. I knew one of my former boyfriends was a liar and a cheat before I ever started dating him. I knew that another one was possessive beyond belief and would wind up making me crazy with his jealousy. I also knew that another would self-destruct. But I rolled right into the relationships anyway.

Dr. Phil McGraw, says something that I think is very astute: he says that "people show you who they are, you just have to believe them." In every one of my failed relationships, the men that I've been involved with have shown me exactly who they are from the very beginning, and I chose to ignore the danger signals. Why did I do that? All the information that I needed to make a good decision was right in front of me, and yet I failed to yield- I hit the accelorator instead of the brakes.

So what's the life lesson here? Perhaps I need to be a little less of a speed demon. Obeying speed limits and paying attention to stop signs allow us to get to our destination safely, without accidents. We need to heed the warning signals when it comes to relationships. If someone's behavior makes you pause and say "uh oh," don't ignore it. That is your signal that you should probably not proceed down that road. Take it slow and pay attention. From now on I hope I have the sense to come to a full and complete stop and make that right turn if I don't like what I see ahead.

The Fence

2009-09-20T15:00:00.000-07:00

Now that I am single, I'm spending more time with my friends. I'm fortunate to have some amazing people in my life that really care about me. Some of them have been my friends for a long time; others are recent additions that came along since my status change.

It's interesting to listen to my friends talk about their relationships or lack thereof. Most people that are in relationships don't want to be in them most of the time; and most single people yearn to be part of a couple. Everyone is so busy looking over the fence, that they don't bother enjoying what is in their own backyard.

My coupled friends spend a large amount of their time complaining about their significant others and pining away for the free and easy single life. They either don't seem to know how to make a relationship work, or they feel that their mate is incapable of making them happy. It seems as if they relinquish all control over their own happiness to their mate. Their focus is on what their mate should or shouldn't be doing to make them happy. They neglect to consider how their own behaviors affect the quality of the relationship. They forget that in order for a relationship to work, both parties must be focused on the well-being of the other. If the focus is on the self, the relationship is doomed to fail.

Of course, most of my single friends want someone to share their life with. They talk about feeling lonely and missing the physical touch of a lover. Everywhere they look, they see blissful couples strolling hand in hand down the boulevard of life. It feels as if everyone is paired off and they are the odd person out. They long for the companionship that being in a relationship brings. No more lonely Saturday nights and going to weddings alone. All would be right with the world if only they could find their "soul mate." They share horror stories of the dating scene and complain that all of the "good one's are taken."

Is anyone ever truly satisfied with their relationship status? It seems as if everyone is looking over the fence, admiring how green the grass seems to be on the other side.

Believe it or not, knowing that this kind of dissatisfaction exists equally among the attached and single, gives me a sense of peace. I know, you're wondering how relationship status envy can create anything other than a sense of angst, but if you think about it, it's pretty simple. Here's the liberating truth: most people that are in relationships want to be single, therefore being in a relationship does not automatically make you happy and whole. Being happy and whole by yourself is the key to satisfaction, regardless of your relationship status. And if you are in a relationship, stop focusing on your own selfish needs and start thinking in terms of being the kind of partner that you want yourself. All of us need to stop looking over the fence. Most people that climb over are disappointed that they did. It's like they say, your neighbor's grass may look pretty darn good from the other side, but you'd probably feel differently if you had to mow it.

Crazy love

2009-09-13T12:28:00.000-07:00

Why does love makes us so crazy?

Love can take a completely rational human being and turn him or her into a raging psychotic in less than 30 seconds. Why? Just what is it about this crazy emotion that can turn us inside out? And why do we attach ourselves to people that bring out the worst of us anyway?

I have to confess, I have engaged in immature, even psychotic behavior. I remember when I was about 5 years old and my first little boyfriend, Donald, decided that he liked my best friend better. I sat out on the curb and sobbed, threatening to "sick my dog on him." At the time, it was the worst threat that I could come up with. At 15, when I found out that my boyfriend Ricky was flirting with somebody else, I enlisted a troop of my friends and T.P.'d his house. Somehow I thought that these acts of revenge would make me feel better.

Oh, trust me, I haven't necessarily gotten any better since my youth. I have focused all kinds of energy fantasizing of revenge scenarios involving those that have broken my heart. The good news is, I try to refrain from acting them out. The operative word being "try." And no, I'm not about to go into a full confessional of my own bad behavior or give some big lecture about how revenge only hurts oneself. The truth of the matter is, revenge feels great. At least for a moment. The problem with revenge and spending a lot of emotional energy in creating revenge scenarios is that it keeps you stuck in the past, when what you really need to be doing is moving forward. Yes, you want bad things to happen to bad people, but really, if you just leave things alone and focus on your future, the universe will work things out for itself. Bad things will happen to bad people. Unfortunately, bad things also happen to good people- that's just the way the world works.

So instead of getting all crazy over lost love, just accept things for what they are: lessons learned and experiences gained. Focus on your future; your past will always be your past- no sense in it continuing to be your present. Don't let love drive you crazy, because crazy never looks good on anyone.

Beginning the Journey

2009-09-07T21:34:00.000-07:00

Life is odd, isn't it? Sure, like most things, it has a beginning and an end, but the most interesting stuff is what goes on in between. Most beginnings are all about the same, embryo develops, mother gives birth, yada-yada. And nobody really wants to think about death, because that's just depressing. The point is, it's everything in between the beginning and the end that is supposed to mean something. The journey- the mythic adventure that we call life...

Well I'm no philosopher, nor am I a poet, and I'm not a psychologist either (although I often play one in my day job). I'm just a member of this human race that realizes that we're all in this together, whether we like it or not. No matter who you are, or what your life is about, you share commonality with others on this planet. It's our emotions, our struggles and our triumphs that bind us to each other.

I'll be commenting on what my journey is all about: the roadblocks, accidents, mishaps and great sights along the way. So come on along. Let's take a ride