Center of the Universe

One of the most liberating realizations that I have ever had is that I am not the center of the universe. Oh sure, it sounds really cool to be the cause of all things that happen, however I think that by releasing the belief that everyone's behavior is somehow related to me, I was able to gain freedom from anxiety and was able to develop a much greater compassion for those around me.

There was a time in my life that I believed that everyone's emotional state of mind was somehow a result of something that I said or did. Every perceived slight created a sense of anxiety in me that I had somehow "done something" to upset that person or make them act that way. If a sales clerk was rude or inattentive, they were somehow responding negatively to me. If my partner was quiet or surly, it was because I had said or done something wrong. If my boss was dismissive, it must be because she was unhappy with my work. If a friend didn't return my call right away, she must be mad at me. You get the picture: I created my own stress and insecurity. What I needed to do was to take myself out of the equation. Chances were, their behavior had nothing to do with me anyway, and by not assuming that I was the cause of people's negativity, I was able to free myself from unnecessary anxiety. My overactive imagination became an impediment to developing happy and healthy relationships with those around me, so I decided to stop thinking that the world and everyone else's behavior revolved around me.

Another thing that I stopped doing is assuming that I understood everyone else's motivation. We've all been driving down the freeway when someone comes speeding along, tailgating and swerving in and out of vehicles. "What an asshole!" is usually our reaction. If this happens on a day in which we may be feeling a little aggressive, we turn into the idiot that we perceive that driver to be! We speed up or slow down so that driver can't pass. Or we flip off the person off or yell profanities. But let's reframe this: what if that person is really rushing to the hospital or experiencing some other sort of emergency? Maybe that person is not really a jerk at all, but just reacting to some stimuli that is unknown by us. By not assuming the other driver's motivation, we keep ourselves from becoming the asshole that we perceive them to be.

Many of us work in high pressure jobs, and unfortunately, people in the workplace don't always treat their colleagues with tact and diplomacy. But if we assume that our co-worker's short-temper or ill-phrased comment is a reflection of their opinion of us, we may be doing ourselves a disservice and harming an otherwise good working relationship. What if you just cut your co-worker a little slack, and instead of assuming that he or she is reacting to you, just chalk it up to them having a bad day? By not making someone else's behavior about you, you are able to handle situations and interact with people with much more understanding.

We all have a tough time when we feel as though someone is not being sensitive to our needs and feelings, but let's face it- it's not always about us. Sometimes it's just about them. You can save yourself a lot of grief by letting go of the belief that everyone's behavior is somehow a reaction to you. By not thinking that you are the center of the universe, you free yourself from everyone else's emotional gravity.

Wings

I held a butterfly with a broken wing;

I raced the dragonflies along the stream.

It made me wonder if it is better to be

beautiful and broken, or fast and free.

Birds of a Feather

What does your choice of friends say about you? We've all heard the saying "birds of a feather flock together," but are your friends truly a reflection of who you are and what you represent? Or does fate put people in our lives that become important to us irrespective of commonality?

With over 6 billion people on our planet, we have limitless opportunities to develop relationships with others. So how do we decide who becomes a part of our inner circle? Do we seek out those that seem familiar because of shared interests and/or values? Or are we attracted to our opposite in order to obtain some sort of psychological equilibrium or to challenge ourselves? Do we even consciously choose at all?

Perhaps is it more fate-driven. Maybe the universe puts people in our lives that give us what we need at the time. Sometimes people come into our lives to help us heal and to give us hope. These people may not always stay in our lives, but they provide an emotional life preserver to us when we need it.

Other people come into our lives to teach us lessons that we need to learn. These people may cause us great grief, by challenging us. Careful examination of these relationships often reveal a part of our own character or behavior that needed to change in order for us to grow. These relationships can be quite painful, however if we take responsibility for our role in how things played out, we can become a better version of ourselves.

The relationships that we form create meaning in our lives. They build us up and they tear us apart. We learn, we grow and we feel part of something bigger than ourselves. Our friends are there to support us, and sometimes call us out when they see us getting off track. Bottom line: we are pack animals. We are hard-wired to gravitate toward others, and to develop relationships with those around us. Perhaps it really doesn't matter how or why a person comes into your life at all; maybe a better question to ask yourself is what you are bringing to theirs.

Taking Your Own Advice

It's funny how easy it is to give other people advice. When people come to me with their problems, I am able to listen to the issue with an open mind, consider all the options, and remain objective and practical. It's probably why my phone is always ringing and people are always in my office. I'm a "fixer," and I seem to have the patience and wisdom that people look for when they run into problems.

The irony is that it seems so hard to be clear-headed about my own problems. It's so easy to let emotions cloud better judgement, and sometimes I just feel stuck.

So what do I do when this happens? Well, because I'm a bit of a control freak, I often put a lot of pressure on myself to find immediate solutions. Sometimes an immediate plan of action is necessary, but often times where emotional issues are concerned, I just don't need to have everything figured out right away. Sometimes just letting things take their natural course is the best plan of action, so I just need to let it go. Definitely easier said than done- I'm very hard on myself when I don't have everything figured out. Of course when other people come to me with their problems and it's obvious that they really don't have to make a decision right away, I advise them to leave it alone for a while. "You don't have to decide now," is what I say to people struggling with issues when immediate solutions aren't necessary. We shouldn't be afraid to put our concerns on the back burner for awhile. Things often have a way of working themselves out, especially when it comes to emotional issues. We just need to create a little space to gain perspective.

The other thing that I struggle with is cloudy judgement when it comes to matters of the heart. The crazy thing is that if a friend came to me and described their relationship dynamics, I'd be able to give them razor-sharp advice. I know what works and what doesn't and what's healthy or not. Except when it's MY relationship. Funny how we can have so much clarity when it comes to someone else's problems but we're blind when it comes to our own.

The thing that saves me when I'm in that situation is pretending that I'm not in the situation at all. Here's what I mean: if a friend came to me and gave me all of the details of the issue that I was struggling with, how would I advise them? This enables me to look at things from a more objective point of view. By removing myself and my emotions out of the picture, I am able to see things with much greater clarity. It can be pretty hard to be objective about issues when you're stuck in the middle of them. However, you can gain perspective by taking yourself out of the equation (figuratively speaking of course), and imagining that you are advising someone that you care about instead.

This all comes down to taking your own advice. We all have an amazing ability to remain objective when it comes to other people's problems. Why not apply that same wisdom to your own? Figure out if you really need to worry about an outcome now, or if you might be better off to wait and see how things play out naturally. And when you become emotionally overwhelmed with an issue, ask yourself what you would tell a friend to do if they were in the same situation. Most of us really do instinctively know what to do when we run into problems, however we often let emotions cloud our better judgement. So take a step back and pretend you are advising a friend. When it all comes down to it, we should value ourselves as much as we value the other people in our lives, so doesn't it just make sense to take our own advice?

Damaged Goods

I guess we're all damaged goods if you think about it. Life beats us up pretty hard, and most of us have the emotional battle scars to prove it. Our experiences shape who we are, but they can also limit our ability to live our best lives.

Family dynamics often play a huge role in how we relate to one another. I don't know anyone that was not somehow "screwed up" by their parents. Children don't come with instruction manuals and most parents don't know what they're doing in spite of their best intentions. What we have to understand is that we are all products of our own experiences, and our parents are no exception. They did the best they could with the resources and experience that they had. You can either chose to chalk it up as a learning experience and rise above crazy family dynamics, or you can continue to blame your parents for all of your problems and let negative patterns continue to affect all your relationships. I don't care how dysfunctional your family might have been, you can, with effort, get past it. I believe that letting a negative past continue to control your future is one of the most self-destructive things a person can do to themselves.

Most of us have been wounded by love at one time or another. Our partners disappoint us, leave us, or wind up not being the people that we think they are or want them to be. Yes, we get our hearts ripped out and tossed on the floor- the problem is that most of us never consider picking our heart back up and putting it back in. We walk around empty, fearing vulnerability, and never develop the courage to love again. But why chose to stay broken? Wounds can heal if you just take the time to repair the damage. So how do you go about repairing the emotional trauma that we all experience?

The first step is to identify your triggers. Do you ever find that you overreact to certain circumstances? If so, that's a pretty good indicator that you've got an emotional scar that probably hasn't quite healed. When you find yourself overreacting or feeling hypersensitive about something that someone says or does, stop for a minute. Identify what it is that caused you pain. What was the behavior that brought on that response? Then look back into your emotional history and try to find what kind of similar experiences you may have had. We often overreact because some old wound never properly healed, and until we identify that wound, we are bound to remain stuck repeating unhealthy patterns.

Secondly, you have to understand your role and responsibilities in the original and subsequently similar situations. Did your behavior cause or contribute to the problem? Unless you are able to look critically at yourself and understand how you contribute to your own pain, you will never fully be able to break free from the cycle.

The final step is to let it go. You know that you can't change the past, and hanging on to pain and negative energy only hurts you in the end. It's very important that you learn what you need through every experience and in every relationship. What you don't need to do is hang on to anger or hurt. This process takes a while and isn't always easy, but the more you realize that we are all operating from a place of dysfunction on one level or another, you can come to the understanding that the pain others may have caused you may not have been intentional. People evolve at different rates and operate from different levels of consciousness. Sometimes other people's behavior doesn't have anything to do with you at all, but rather everything to do with their own dysfunctions. As much as you may hate to admit it, you are not the center of the universe, and other people's behavior may have very little to do with you at all.

So yes, we're all damaged goods to some degree. But it's entirely up to you to decide if you want to remain in an entirely broken state, or do the work necessary to repair what has been broken. Hearts and spirits are much more resilient that you realize, and with a conscious approach to your emotional reactions, you can begin to identify your battle wounds and make sure that they are healing properly. You might be surprised to find that most damage can actually be undone.

Tug of War

I find it odd that whenever people get involved in an emotional/physical relationship, a power struggle often ensues. It starts out benign enough, but eventually turns into an emotional tug of war. One person is often pulling with all their might, while the other feels a sense of panic as they feel dangerously close to being hurled into the mud.

Relationships, particularly in their embryonic stages, are exciting, scary and often confusing. We're not sure how much of our feelings to share with our new partner because we don't know where their heads are at- and so the game begins...

In the beginning, there's often one person who is more aggressive in moving the relationship along. They call regularly, text, make plans and generally rush to take things to the next level as quickly as possible. This can make the recipient of all this attention feel like they have the upper-hand, or it can send him or her into a state of panic because they feel that things are moving a little too fast. So the recipient, in an attempt to regain balance digs in their heels and pulls back. Maybe they make themselves less available because they don't want to feel consumed. Perhaps they feel pressured to give up the rest of their interests or lives to be in this relationship, or maybe they just prefer to move at a slower emotional pace. In any case, the result always seems to be the same: they attempt to find their balance by digging in, refusing to become vulnerable or moving forward.

The result of this is that the initial aggressor is left confused or hurt, and they often retreat emotionally because they feel rejected. They stop pulling and there's nothing but slack in the rope. But none of us like the feeling of slack, so more often than not, the other person begins to feel ignored and they start to pull. They miss that initial attention and start to pursue their partner with a greater sense of urgency. Unfortunately, what has already manifested are hurt feelings and a sense of vulnerability. Sometimes it's too late, the damage has already been done and the relationship just dies because it is just too little, too late. Other times, it sets in motion a pattern that lasts as long as the relationship is in tact- with one person always pulling and the other in retreat mode- the power shifts back and forth like a metronome.

It's really hard to put yourself out there emotionally when it comes to relationships. We're all afraid of being vulnerable and getting hurt. But what if we never tried? Part of truly living is loving. And yes, sometimes love hurts! But it's also what connects us, what makes us human and what drives us to be our best.

Perhaps if we were just able to communicate our fears honestly with our partners, we would have a greater understanding of what each other needed to feel safe. If we could drop our guard and not take our partner's fears personally, we could listen without feeling threatened. The struggle between dependence and independence is an ongoing one for all of us. None of us want to lose our sense of self in order to be in a relationship, but striking that balance is very difficult. Pulling on the rope is emotional manipulation. It either feels self protective or too aggressive, and it doesn't really serve any healthy purpose.

What if we just considered dropping the rope? Maybe then no one would have to wind up in the mud.

We're Not Getting Out of This Alive

There comes a point in all of our lives that we become acutely aware of our own mortality- an existential crisis of sorts, where we all begin to question what our lives are all about, and if we're really living them at all.

Modern life is not ordinarily conducive to this sort of reflection: we get so caught up in the day-to-day grind that we rarely stop to question whether or not we are truly living the lives that we were meant to live. Sometimes it takes a crisis to slow us down such as the death of a friend, a health scare or even the approach of a milestone birthday. In any event, it makes me wonder why we are not living our lives more consciously. Why should it take some sort of catastrophic event for us to reflect on the meaning of our lives? Shouldn't we be making choices everyday that bring us closer to being our best selves?

I recently found out that a friend of mine has a year to live. It was quite a shock, especially considering that she is not even in her 40's. It got me thinking about how all of our days are numbered. Life is a finite thing, and yet we often coast along as if we had all the time in the world. We put off doing things or connecting with people that we love because there's always tomorrow. But is there?

What if we lived every day as if it were our last? What would that look like? Would you listen more carefully when someone speaks? Would you open your eyes to the beauty around you? Would you stop to reflect on who you are and what you are passionate about? Are you consciously creating the life you've always dreamed about?

Life is a precious thing and unfortunately it's not going to last forever. Take a moment right now to think about what you want your life to mean- how you'd want to be remembered, and then start working backwards. What can you do today, right here, right now, to get closer to that ideal? Remember- you're not getting out of this alive, so you might as well really start living.