So someone told me today that they thought the line between right and wrong was getting fuzzy. It got me thinking: have moral standards really changed? Do people really not know when they are doing something wrong, or are they just trying a little harder to justify their behavior?
It seems that it's human nature to make excuses for one's own bad choices- it's a psychological form of self-preservation. If we can validate our choices, then we can feel good about ourselves. No one wants to think of themselves as a "bad person," right? So we rationalize our bad behavior, often placing blame on the very person that we injured by our actions.
Look, we all screw up. There isn't a person in the world that hasn't hurt another, or done the wrong thing. It's what we do and how we learn. I'm a great example- I think every lesson that I've ever learned has been the hard way- just ask my parents. I've screwed up a lot, and sure, I've tried to rationalize my choices, but when it comes right down to it, I have to admit to myself that I did the wrong thing. The upside is that I have the opportunity to learn from it.
The line between right and wrong hasn't changed, but our collective behavior as a society has, because we've made excuses for ourselves and not called out the bad behavior of others. Maybe it's time to rethink this trend, because it's not doing any of us any good. I'm not saying that we should all walk around in judgement of each other, but calling someone out on their crap may be just the thing that they need to hear in order to grow. I know it sounds like the quickest way to alienate yourself from others, but when it's done in the right spirit, it can actually bring you closer. True friends look out for each other, and sometimes that means speaking up when you see them headed down the wrong path.
More importantly though, is to own up to your own mistakes, and take what you needed to learn so that you do better next time. Don't try to defend your bad choices, learn from them and move on. Sometimes we just need to redraw those lines when they get fuzzy and do our best not to go over them again.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Ignoring Stop Signs
I'm a typical California driver. When I think I can get away with it, I have a tendency to roll right through stop signs when there is no opposing traffic. It's a bad habit, and I'm not even sure why I do it. It's as if I don't want to be bothered with that momentary pause that is required to reflect to see if it is safe to proceed. Unfortunately I'm the same way with relationships.
Looking back on my romantic disasters, I see how all the warning signals and stop signs were there at the very beginning- indicators that there was danger ahead and that I should proceed at my own risk. I rolled right through them anyway. I knew one of my former boyfriends was a liar and a cheat before I ever started dating him. I knew that another one was possessive beyond belief and would wind up making me crazy with his jealousy. I also knew that another would self-destruct. But I rolled right into the relationships anyway.
Dr. Phil McGraw, says something that I think is very astute: he says that "people show you who they are, you just have to believe them." In every one of my failed relationships, the men that I've been involved with have shown me exactly who they are from the very beginning, and I chose to ignore the danger signals. Why did I do that? All the information that I needed to make a good decision was right in front of me, and yet I failed to yield- I hit the accelorator instead of the brakes.
So what's the life lesson here? Perhaps I need to be a little less of a speed demon. Obeying speed limits and paying attention to stop signs allow us to get to our destination safely, without accidents. We need to heed the warning signals when it comes to relationships. If someone's behavior makes you pause and say "uh oh," don't ignore it. That is your signal that you should probably not proceed down that road. Take it slow and pay attention. From now on I hope I have the sense to come to a full and complete stop and make that right turn if I don't like what I see ahead.
Looking back on my romantic disasters, I see how all the warning signals and stop signs were there at the very beginning- indicators that there was danger ahead and that I should proceed at my own risk. I rolled right through them anyway. I knew one of my former boyfriends was a liar and a cheat before I ever started dating him. I knew that another one was possessive beyond belief and would wind up making me crazy with his jealousy. I also knew that another would self-destruct. But I rolled right into the relationships anyway.
Dr. Phil McGraw, says something that I think is very astute: he says that "people show you who they are, you just have to believe them." In every one of my failed relationships, the men that I've been involved with have shown me exactly who they are from the very beginning, and I chose to ignore the danger signals. Why did I do that? All the information that I needed to make a good decision was right in front of me, and yet I failed to yield- I hit the accelorator instead of the brakes.
So what's the life lesson here? Perhaps I need to be a little less of a speed demon. Obeying speed limits and paying attention to stop signs allow us to get to our destination safely, without accidents. We need to heed the warning signals when it comes to relationships. If someone's behavior makes you pause and say "uh oh," don't ignore it. That is your signal that you should probably not proceed down that road. Take it slow and pay attention. From now on I hope I have the sense to come to a full and complete stop and make that right turn if I don't like what I see ahead.
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