Daddy's Little Girl

It’s Thanksgiving. A small, group is gathered around the table: a divorced, middle-aged man, his daughter, son-in-law and son. The evening seems to be going well in spite of the man’s recent loss of his long-term girlfriend and business. It’s the first year in a long time that he has really felt alone. He’s currently homeless, but spending a lot of time visiting relatives so he usually has a roof over his head. He’s in an odd place emotionally, but feels he’s finally on the right track because now he’s found Jesus. He’s never developed deep relationships because he has never felt safe or secure enough to let people in, but since Jesus saved him, he’s really trying to stop being so emotionally retarded. He’s finally trying to reconnect with his family in a more meaningful way.

So imagine his surprise when his daughter, after consuming a few glasses of wine, expresses to him that she does not believe that he is her biological father. He already feels alienated from most of the people in his life, and now this? Happy Friggin’ Thanksgiving! When she makes this announcement, he feels the bile rise into his throat. Everyone at the table is stunned, silent, and all eyes are on him, waiting for his reaction. He just sits there for what seems like an eternity, trying to process what was just said.

He flashes back to 30 years ago. He was a sixteen year old kid, in boarding school. Not just any boarding school, but a Fundamentalist Christian boarding school. His parents had found Jesus (just why Jesus needs to be constantly ‘found’ is a mystery to me, but anyway), they were insuring that their Number One Son was kept away from all things secular. The best thing about this boarding school was that it also kept him far away from the girl that he had been seeing- a flirty girl that seemed to know her way around the boys. Yes, the best thing for him would be to be far away, so he could focus on Jesus.

The funny thing is, Jesus has a hard time competing with hormones, especially those raging inside a teen-aged boy. Even though 30 miles now separated him from this girl and he didn’t have a car, he would find a way to see her, touch her and eventually sleep with her. It wasn’t as difficult as it could have been, since when he got there, they had total freedom. You see, she was older and had her own apartment. She could have anyone over that she wanted, and of course, his parents would never know. After all, they thought he was practicing his devotionals in the school's chapel.

She was a smart girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Her parents had also found Jesus and were heavily involved in the church. When you grow up in a small town, much of your social status is dependent on the church that you attend. Her family had strategically placed themselves in the church that had attracted the naïve wealthy, so that they could pretend to be part of a more affluent group than which they really belonged.

He was athletic yet awkward and painfully shy around girls. She was popular and effervescent. She could prod him out of his shell, which initially pleased his parents, since they were aware that their son was socially stunted. He had never really fit in at school. He struggled academically and had flunked second grade. Back in those days, being held back a grade made you a social pariah. Since he was born in January, he was already older than most of his classmates, so when he was held back a year, he was physically developed way beyond his peers. Growing up, the last thing you want is to be different, but he stood out like a goose amongst a flock of ducks.

The only thing that gave him any amount of confidence was his athletic ability. Being so much bigger and faster than the other kids gave him a competitive advantage. So that’s how he found his only confidence- in athletics. He became a local track star, breaking school records. He would never be able to get into a college with his grades, but just maybe he could get in with an athletic scholarship. After all, the professors just give their star athletes passing grades so that they could continue to compete in the athletic programs. That’s where the schools get most of their revenue anyway. So his parents could relax in knowing that their son could make something of himself after all.

The girl recognized that this boy may be her ticket out of her small life in this small town. He came from a great family- his father was the president of both the bank and the country club. They hosted the most fabulous parties in town, had a house on snob hill and one of the only swimming pools within a 200 mile radius. He was good looking, but lacked awareness of the fact, and because he was so naive, he was easy to manipulate.

She was popular with the boys. She knew how to toy with them and make them want her. She played the game well, telling each of them what they wanted to hear and giving them what she thought they would respond to. She knew this boy was a virgin, so she played that part with him too. Pretending to be inexperienced, she made him feel like they were experiencing sex for the first time together, when in reality; it was the farthest thing from the truth.

On the day that he was running in the State Finals, she approached him, presumably to wish him luck. He’s busy warming up for the race, but he turns to her, confident that he is about to win and make her proud of him. But instead of wishing him luck, she tells him that she is pregnant. The blood rushes from his face and he suddenly feels the world spinning out of control around him. The referee announces the start of the race and the runners take their places. She returns to the stands.

The starting gun goes off and he tears off down the track, running from the news that he’s just been given. Never before has he been so scared or so motivated to run. Run far and run fast is what his mind is screaming. He is not even aware that he is competing in a race: he is running for his life. He wins the race, breaking the state record while she has just broken his hopes and dreams for a future.

Both sets of parents are furious. In their world, adoption is the only option, and these kids are banned from seeing each other ever again. She will be sent away to stay with a relative while “in her condition,” and he will go back to boarding school where he can concentrate on being a better Christian. So it’s settled.

It’s settled for everyone but him. As the baby continues to grow inside of her, a feeling inside of him also grows: the feeling that he needs to become a man. The thought of his child being out in the world with strangers gnaws at him until he feels sick. He doesn’t know what it is to be a man, let alone a father, but he believes that it is the right thing to do. So he meets her at the Laundromat one Saturday afternoon and asks her to marry him.

She cries in relief. She doesn’t want to give up her baby either. She wants a good life, with a good husband from a good family. She projects into the future: he can get a good job at the Bank; she can have a lovely home, family and social life. She just knows that once they are married, his parents will embrace her and grace them with their generosity. It’s going to be perfect! And what no one else knows will ever hurt them.

Except it doesn’t go that way. His parents are not supportive of their decision to marry. The cut him off from any financial help and he is forced to drop out of high school in his Junior Year and get a manual job at the paper mill. It is back-breaking, mind-numbing work, but all he is qualified for. She has the baby, a beautiful little girl.

The room begins to come back into focus. Yes, it’s Thanksgiving. “What makes you think that I’m not your biological father?” he asks. This young woman that he has always thought of as “his little girl” lists a myriad of reasons. All of these make sense to him and he begins to question his paternity himself. She does not resemble him in appearance or personality. He remembers details about his ex-wife that leave many questions in his mind. Wasn’t he away for several weeks hiking during the time that she would have conceived “their” baby?

They agree to take a paternity test. He didn’t realize what an easy process it is to do physically- just a swab on the inside of your cheek. Not so easy emotionally though- especially since the results will not be known for over a week. He’s upset that he has agreed to go on a Mexican Riviera Cruise with a friend of his. He doesn’t want to go now, but he committed months ago and it’s already paid for. He can’t bail out of it now.

So days later, he sits on the deck of a cruise ship, trying to keep his mind on the book he is pretending to read as the bloated white bodies of tourists float around him in holiday glee. The churning of the vast sea around him is consistent with what is going on in his stomach, his head and his heart. Could he have been cheated out of the last 30 years of his life? Has his life been all about being a victim of circumstance and being duped? Or is he exactly where he should be at this given moment- having an existential crisis on the deck of a cruise ship? And most importantly, when the results of the test are received, will she still be Daddy’s Little Girl?

You Never Know...

I was recently asked to describe a time in my life when a person said something to me or treated me in such a way that it made a positive difference in my life. What immediately came to mind was something that transpired many years ago. The event itself was not monumental, but the impact that it made on me forever changed my life.

The image that came to mind was an evening when my family was camping with a bunch of friends. I was probably six or seven. The evening and the event itself were insignificant in of themselves, but the feelings that I experienced that night and the event that followed, had an indelible impact on me.

Donald (my mom's friend's boyfriend) and I had walked from the campsite down to the water's edge. I don't remember if we were fishing or if he was playing the guitar or what we were doing. I don't even remember specifically what we were talking about. What I do remember was that he was speaking to me as if I mattered. He acknowledged that how I felt and what I thought were important. He paid attention to me (something my own parents rarely did) and he talked to me as if I was an adult. Like I said, I don't remember specifically what was said, but I remember the tone: introspective and philosophical. No adult had ever talked to me like that before. Heck, most of them still don't.

We must have sat at the water's edge under a starlit sky for hours, engaged in a dialog lost from my memory years ago. There seemed to be such a sensitivity about him, and he was the only adult that seemed to understand who I was. Before we walked back to camp, he said something to me in closing (again, I can't remember what it was)- words of encouragement of some kind. He then kissed me on my forehead and we headed back to the others sitting around the campfire. He seemed like an angel to me, and my heart overflowed with love for him.

A few months later when my mom was picking us up after work, I overheard her mention Donald to the babysitter. He had committed suicide by filling up the bathtub with water, climbing in and placing an electric radio in the tub with him. He took his own life.

I was shocked and deeply saddened that a man that I had felt so much love and admiration for had felt so isolated and uncared for that he would do such a thing. It's 40 years later and I still think of Donald and how he made me feel that night at the lake. He couldn't have known how much I thought of him, or the impact that he had on me that night. It hurts me to think that he never realized the lives that he touched, or the amount of love that others had for him.

We often get bogged down in the mire of our own self-doubts and lack of self worth. Despair is probably the most crippling of emotions. Hopefully that is not an emotion that often overcomes you, but if it ever does, please remember a couple of things: you have had a positive impact on many of the lives that you have touched and are loved more than you realize. You never know how much you matter to someone, even if it's just one little girl.

Decisions, decisions....

There are times in our lives when we are truly at the crossroads- when we are forced to chose between two paths that are often heading in completely different directions. It can be a scary, paralyzing place to be, because most of us don't want to make the wrong choice. Some of us turn outward to help us decide: we rely on the advice of our trusted friends or family members. Others seek out spiritual guidance through prayer or meditation. And then there are those that turn to the Magic 8 Ball.

I love to get the opinions of those that I trust. Sometimes discussing options with others can bring about a new perspective to a situation. Other people can serve as a surface in which to bounce things off, and as a mirror, to reflect back to you your own hopes and dreams.

I take time to reflect on my choices. I listen with my body, and pay attention to the physical sensations that I get when I ponder each opportunity. Do I feel anxiety building in me when I think of either option, or do I feel a sense of peace? What happens to my breathing- does it become shallow and labored, or does it slow and deepen? The universe works through the physical body; I just need to be aware of what I am sensing.

I also try to consider whether I have multiple options- am I only deciding between two things, or might there be other avenues to consider? It's not that I want to complicate things more than they already are, it's just that I want to make sure that I'm not missing out on a better alternative.

I then ask myself which of my choices will help me grow the most in my quest to live a healthy, emotionally stable and meaningful life. Which of my choices will help me gain wisdom? What will the "emotional climate" be like with each of these options? Which of these paths will help nourish and encourage me most on my journey through life?

The universe presents opportunities for reasons often unknown to me at the time; doors are always opening and closing for all of us. What door just swung open? Are there obstacles in the way of either choice? Sometimes obstacles are put in the way as a deterrent, a sign that I'm on the wrong track. I'm not saying that I always take the easy way, however if things seem to be naturally falling into place, that is often an indication that I am headed in the right direction. If either option is met with a lot of resistance, it may mean that the universe does not intend for that to be my path.

Lastly, I remind myself that I need to live a life of no regrets (OK, maybe more like 'as few regrets as possible'). I try to look at my choices from the perspective of ten years from now. Will I always wonder what could have been? Will I hate myself for not taking a chance? Is there a way that I can do it all? I ask myself again what I want my life to look like- what is my heart's desire? And then I ask myself what, if anything (emotionally/physically), is holding me back or making me afraid to take the leap.

Decisions are often scary and complicated, but they are how we design our life. We all have to remember that no matter what, we have the ability to change course, backtrack or make adjustments in our lives in order to become our best selves. The path lies ahead, and it's important to keep moving forward. I try not to let fear paralyze me, and I always keep in mind, that if I'm still uncertain as to which road to take, there's always the Magic 8 Ball.