Back in the Saddle

Boy, did I get thrown from that horse! I got really hurt, so I was afraid to get back in the saddle for a long, long time. But I love to ride, so eventually I had to decide whether or not to let my fear of getting hurt separate me from something that I really want in my life. And so it goes with love.....

I've had my heart broken a time or two, and I'm sure there are those that would say that I have done the same to them. It's something that we all experience, and it never seems to get any easier the second, third, or whatever time around. Let's face it, heartbreak sucks! So how do we process through it, learn the lessons that we need to learn and eventually get back in the saddle?

There are those that subscribe to the philosophy that you just have to get back up on that horse right away. When it comes to love, I would call that the "art of distraction." If you focus on a new object of interest, then you theoretically sweep your pain under the rug, at least for a while. The problem is, the pain is still there, and it's not going anywhere unless you do something with it. Oh sure, you may feel a little better for a while, but if you never process through it, it will just rear its ugly head again- probably to screw up your next relationship. If you don't sit back and analyze where things went off the rails in your last relationship, and acknowledge where you may have contributed to its problems, you are almost guaranteed to repeat your mistakes.

The worst thing you can do is overlap relationships. Cowards are especially fond of this technique because they are so uncomfortable with the idea of being alone, that they will manipulate two people until they are basically forced to make up their minds. Overlapping compromises your integrity, and it creates doubt in the new partner's mind about your ability to be loyal. After all, if it was that easy to take you out of a committed relationship, then how are they supposed to have faith that you can be loyal to them? In addition, overlapping never allows you to gain the understanding required to be more successful in a relationship the next time around. So if you are in a relationship that is not working out, please spare your current and potential partners the indignity of "the overlap." You'll feel much better about yourself in the long run.

Of course the flip side of the overlap and the art of distraction is allowing your fear of getting hurt to keep you from ever taking another chance on love. Oh sure, you might be saved from getting your heart broken again, but is that really living? Part of being fully engaged in life means experiencing all human emotions: happiness, joy, sorrow and pain. Without a few of the lows, would we ever be able to fully appreciate the highs? It's that beautiful contrast of emotions that really color our world. Even though I've gotten the shit kicked out of me by love, I'm not willing to give up the opportunity to experience those amazing highs again. Love really is a powerful thing: it can build us up and tear us down, but our faith in believing that we can, and will love again, will get us through those tough times. Isolating yourself from the possibilities of love only hurts you, even if it does feel safer at the time.

So what's the answer? Spend the time that you need to understand the dynamics of your failed relationships. We're all here to learn, and like it or not, failed relationships are probably our best teachers. We learn so much about ourselves when we can be objective about our relationship dynamics. So ask yourself what you needed to learn. What can you do better the next time around? How can you better communicate with a partner, and how can you be more sensitive to the needs of another human being? By taking the time to answer these questions, you will be better prepared to be in another relationship.

So don't let your fear of getting hurt get in the way of ever loving again. Take some time for yourself and surround yourself with friends and family so you don't feel alone. Process through what you need to and develop a better game plan for the next time around. And when you're ready, put your riding boots back on and get back up on that horse. Never let fear get in the way of enjoying a great ride!

Killing Polly

Don't worry, your parrots are safe. I'm talking about Pollyanna, that icon of blind optimism. You see, throughout my life I've been an incurable optimist. Optimism in itself is a wonderful thing: it gives us hope. But blind optimism, or the refusal to see people and circumstances for who or what they really are, can be detrimental to our well-being.

I've always prided myself on focusing on the best in people, in fact I've often said that I could get along with the devil himself if I had to. Unfortunately, looking back at my past experiences, I would say that I have put up with many people and circumstances that were clearly not good for me, just because I refused to focus on, or even truly acknowledge, the negative. My myopic optimism has not served me well- I've put up with tyrannical bosses, toxic friendships and men that carry around so much emotional baggage that we needed a bellhop 24/7. You cannot have clear vision if you are wearing rose-colored glasses.

Dr. Phil McGraw states that "people show you who they are, you just have to believe them." I can't think of a statement that is more true. We need to take people at face value, not filter them through our fantasy lens. Sometimes we want something so badly that we ignore what is really being presented to us. We choose to ignore red flags and we are attracted to people for "their potential" rather than for who they are. The problem is, most people never quite measure up to "their potential," so what we're stuck with is the reality. The whole point is, we need to quit trying to make people into what we wish they could be, and just acknowledge who they are. Most people are great, and those are the people that I want to surround myself with, instead of wasting time with those that are not.

Now I'll never be a cynic- it's just not in my nature. However I am going to start calling a spade, a spade, instead of a diamond in the rough. I'm no longer going to blindly accept that all people have my best interest in mind and believe that all people are honest with me. Unfortunately experience has taught me otherwise. That being said, I still believe that there are wonderful people in our world and that life is a great adventure, but I'm no longer going to overlook the obvious just because I want to believe the best about everybody. So I'm taking off my rose colored glasses and finally enjoying 20/20 vision.

And as for Pollyanna? May she rest in peace.