Tug of War

I find it odd that whenever people get involved in an emotional/physical relationship, a power struggle often ensues. It starts out benign enough, but eventually turns into an emotional tug of war. One person is often pulling with all their might, while the other feels a sense of panic as they feel dangerously close to being hurled into the mud.

Relationships, particularly in their embryonic stages, are exciting, scary and often confusing. We're not sure how much of our feelings to share with our new partner because we don't know where their heads are at- and so the game begins...

In the beginning, there's often one person who is more aggressive in moving the relationship along. They call regularly, text, make plans and generally rush to take things to the next level as quickly as possible. This can make the recipient of all this attention feel like they have the upper-hand, or it can send him or her into a state of panic because they feel that things are moving a little too fast. So the recipient, in an attempt to regain balance digs in their heels and pulls back. Maybe they make themselves less available because they don't want to feel consumed. Perhaps they feel pressured to give up the rest of their interests or lives to be in this relationship, or maybe they just prefer to move at a slower emotional pace. In any case, the result always seems to be the same: they attempt to find their balance by digging in, refusing to become vulnerable or moving forward.

The result of this is that the initial aggressor is left confused or hurt, and they often retreat emotionally because they feel rejected. They stop pulling and there's nothing but slack in the rope. But none of us like the feeling of slack, so more often than not, the other person begins to feel ignored and they start to pull. They miss that initial attention and start to pursue their partner with a greater sense of urgency. Unfortunately, what has already manifested are hurt feelings and a sense of vulnerability. Sometimes it's too late, the damage has already been done and the relationship just dies because it is just too little, too late. Other times, it sets in motion a pattern that lasts as long as the relationship is in tact- with one person always pulling and the other in retreat mode- the power shifts back and forth like a metronome.

It's really hard to put yourself out there emotionally when it comes to relationships. We're all afraid of being vulnerable and getting hurt. But what if we never tried? Part of truly living is loving. And yes, sometimes love hurts! But it's also what connects us, what makes us human and what drives us to be our best.

Perhaps if we were just able to communicate our fears honestly with our partners, we would have a greater understanding of what each other needed to feel safe. If we could drop our guard and not take our partner's fears personally, we could listen without feeling threatened. The struggle between dependence and independence is an ongoing one for all of us. None of us want to lose our sense of self in order to be in a relationship, but striking that balance is very difficult. Pulling on the rope is emotional manipulation. It either feels self protective or too aggressive, and it doesn't really serve any healthy purpose.

What if we just considered dropping the rope? Maybe then no one would have to wind up in the mud.