Benefit of the Doubt

"She said she wanted to go out with her friends- she must be out with another guy."
"He didn't answer my text for over 4 hours! I must not be very important to him."
"When he comes home from work, he never wants to talk. He just wants to veg out in front of the TV. He doesn't love me anymore."

Any of this sound familiar?

There seems to be a lot of people out there that automatically assume the worst or apply negative meaning to the actions of others. But why? When did we stop giving each other the benefit of the doubt and start assuming the worst about people's motivations? In my experience, these assumptions are often wrong and all they do is add stress to a relationship. Aren't relationships challenging enough without heaping on extra servings of negativity? Why can't we just assume the best or at least have a neutral reaction to other people's behavior?

I've heard a couple of explanations for this type of reactive response. Now I'm not a psychologist- heck I don't even play one on TV, so I can't attest to the validity of any of these theories beyond my own experience and what I can recognize as patterns of behavior. To illustrate these theories, I will call the folks that engage in these patterns the "Baggage Handler," the "Paranoid" and the "Projector."

The Baggage Handler's story is a sad one. These poor souls are the emotionally wounded among us. They're the people that are deeply scarred from the betrayals of previous lovers, who now find it exceedingly difficult to trust. They have yet to release the pain and therefore carry around this extra baggage into subsequent relationships. The result is that the new love interest often has to pay the price for the ex's crimes. If the ex was a cheat, then any potential partner is a cheat. No one can be trusted, and all stand accused. The Baggage Handler applies the ex's bad behavior to everything that the new partner does, regardless of correlation. The falsely accused eventually gets tired of all the unnecessary drama and usually calls it quits on the relationship. The Baggage Handler often feels vindicated when this happens, since he or she felt that the new partner would never stay with them anyway.  Thus the behavior is reinforced, unfortunately to be propagated in the next relationship.

The Paranoid is the insecure person who has low self-esteem. Because of their own self-loathing, they can't really understand why anyone else would really want to be with them. They never quite feel good enough, or loved enough, and because of this insecurity, they are constantly reading negativity into every one else's behavior. The partner of the Paranoid can never just be reflective if they are quiet- they must be upset or not love them anymore, or they must be thinking about someone else. The Paranoid's need for reassurance is so extreme that the partner feels as though they can never fill the void. They feel as though they are constantly walking on a tightrope or jumping through hoops in order to convince the Paranoid of their love and loyalty. Eventually this circus act becomes so exhausting that the partner just gives up, often leaving the Paranoid in a worse state than which they found them.

The Projector is perhaps the worst of the bunch. They are manipulative and deceitful, projecting their own bad behaviors onto to those that they are involved with. A Projector is the person that is unfaithful to their partner and then accuses his or her partner of being the same. They draw from their own experiences and desires and project them onto whomever they are in a relationship with. The partner of a Projector is constantly trying to prove themselves to be honest and trustworthy, however as soon as one accusation is refuted, another one comes up. It becomes a useless battle as the Projector cannot believe that everyone is not just like them. Eventually the falsely accused tires of being on the defensive all the time and leaves the relationship.

So, what does one do when issues come up? We all want to understand someone else's motivation, particularly if we feel hurt by their behavior. But rather than apply our own meaning to it, why not just ask? So many misunderstandings can be avoided by NOT assuming that we know why people do or say the things that they do. We all have filters through which we view our world that are formed by our own experiences. But these lenses often distort, and even when we think that something appears clear to us, it doesn't always mean that it is someone else's reality. So before you apply negative meaning to someone else's behavior, take a moment and consider that you may be misinterpreting. You might save yourself from creating your own anxiety and from putting undue stress on your relationships. People that take an optimistic view of the world report much greater levels of happiness and satisfaction in their relationships. So the next time that you start letting your imagination run away with you or start applying negative meaning to someone else's behavior, stop yourself. Consider that your own point of view is just that- your own point of view. It may have nothing to do with that other person's reality. Chances are, you'll find all of your relationships improving by just giving that person the benefit of the doubt.