Pants On Fire

To tell the truth, nothing but the truth, so help me God.

Truth telling seems to be lost on many of us. Society teaches us that sometimes it is better (easier) to tell "little white lies" as opposed to being honest about what we want or how we feel. As children we often learn that there are repercussions in telling the truth. So what is that really doing for our society and our relationships?

In his book , Loving Each Other, Leo Buscaglia states " Only the truth can help us feel secure. Only truth can bring us the necessary trust needed for long-lasting relationships. Only truth, painful though it may sometimes be, can create a safe environment of unity and growth." Without truth, our relationships are like a house of cards- not stable. Without honesty, there can be no trust, and without trust, there ultimately can be no relationship.

Unfortunately, there are many people that fear telling the truth. They are so paralyzed by the possibility of short-term repercussions that they fail to understand the long-term affects that lies have on a relationship. Often these people are so fearful of rejection they will say anything to avoid conflict. This avoidance of the truth only serves to create a chasm between the liar and the partner. Even though the partner may not be aware of the untruth, the lie erodes the relationship. The liar often (unless he or she is a Sociopath) experiences some anxiety in telling the lie. The liar now must also try to remember the fabrication in detail, so that he or she does not tell a different story the next time the issue comes up. The whole process becomes emotionally exhausting and ultimately takes its toll on a relationship. Relating and connecting become much more difficult because the energy that is expended in covering one's tracks depletes what emotional energy one has to give to the relationship.

Some would say that there are different degrees of lying, ranging from "little white lies" to "pants on fire" lies. The little white lie is often used to avoid hurting someone's feelings, and some would say that they are necessary to live in polite society. But really, couldn't we just be honest and work on our delivery so that the truths that we tell are not hurtful? If relationships are built on trust, we must be honest with one another. Sensitivity and truth-telling can go hand in hand if we take the time to think about how the people in our lives will respond to our message. The bottom line is that if we ever expect to have deep relationships, we must be able to express what we think and how we feel without fear of retribution. It takes a lot of confidence to be a truth teller, confidence that can only be built with practice.

So if you want to build deep, solid relationships, tell the people in your life how you feel. Be honest, even when it seems difficult. More often than not, you will find that the people in your life respect you much more for being honest with them. Sure, a little diplomacy never hurts. Just remember, if you want to build strong bonds with people and earn their trust, you cannot stretch or omit the truth. No one will ever be able to be close to someone that has their pants on fire.