It's funny how easy it is to give other people advice. When people come to me with their problems, I am able to listen to the issue with an open mind, consider all the options, and remain objective and practical. It's probably why my phone is always ringing and people are always in my office. I'm a "fixer," and I seem to have the patience and wisdom that people look for when they run into problems.
The irony is that it seems so hard to be clear-headed about my own problems. It's so easy to let emotions cloud better judgement, and sometimes I just feel stuck.
So what do I do when this happens? Well, because I'm a bit of a control freak, I often put a lot of pressure on myself to find immediate solutions. Sometimes an immediate plan of action is necessary, but often times where emotional issues are concerned, I just don't need to have everything figured out right away. Sometimes just letting things take their natural course is the best plan of action, so I just need to let it go. Definitely easier said than done- I'm very hard on myself when I don't have everything figured out. Of course when other people come to me with their problems and it's obvious that they really don't have to make a decision right away, I advise them to leave it alone for a while. "You don't have to decide now," is what I say to people struggling with issues when immediate solutions aren't necessary. We shouldn't be afraid to put our concerns on the back burner for awhile. Things often have a way of working themselves out, especially when it comes to emotional issues. We just need to create a little space to gain perspective.
The other thing that I struggle with is cloudy judgement when it comes to matters of the heart. The crazy thing is that if a friend came to me and described their relationship dynamics, I'd be able to give them razor-sharp advice. I know what works and what doesn't and what's healthy or not. Except when it's MY relationship. Funny how we can have so much clarity when it comes to someone else's problems but we're blind when it comes to our own.
The thing that saves me when I'm in that situation is pretending that I'm not in the situation at all. Here's what I mean: if a friend came to me and gave me all of the details of the issue that I was struggling with, how would I advise them? This enables me to look at things from a more objective point of view. By removing myself and my emotions out of the picture, I am able to see things with much greater clarity. It can be pretty hard to be objective about issues when you're stuck in the middle of them. However, you can gain perspective by taking yourself out of the equation (figuratively speaking of course), and imagining that you are advising someone that you care about instead.
This all comes down to taking your own advice. We all have an amazing ability to remain objective when it comes to other people's problems. Why not apply that same wisdom to your own? Figure out if you really need to worry about an outcome now, or if you might be better off to wait and see how things play out naturally. And when you become emotionally overwhelmed with an issue, ask yourself what you would tell a friend to do if they were in the same situation. Most of us really do instinctively know what to do when we run into problems, however we often let emotions cloud our better judgement. So take a step back and pretend you are advising a friend. When it all comes down to it, we should value ourselves as much as we value the other people in our lives, so doesn't it just make sense to take our own advice?
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Damaged Goods
I guess we're all damaged goods if you think about it. Life beats us up pretty hard, and most of us have the emotional battle scars to prove it. Our experiences shape who we are, but they can also limit our ability to live our best lives.
Family dynamics often play a huge role in how we relate to one another. I don't know anyone that was not somehow "screwed up" by their parents. Children don't come with instruction manuals and most parents don't know what they're doing in spite of their best intentions. What we have to understand is that we are all products of our own experiences, and our parents are no exception. They did the best they could with the resources and experience that they had. You can either chose to chalk it up as a learning experience and rise above crazy family dynamics, or you can continue to blame your parents for all of your problems and let negative patterns continue to affect all your relationships. I don't care how dysfunctional your family might have been, you can, with effort, get past it. I believe that letting a negative past continue to control your future is one of the most self-destructive things a person can do to themselves.
Most of us have been wounded by love at one time or another. Our partners disappoint us, leave us, or wind up not being the people that we think they are or want them to be. Yes, we get our hearts ripped out and tossed on the floor- the problem is that most of us never consider picking our heart back up and putting it back in. We walk around empty, fearing vulnerability, and never develop the courage to love again. But why chose to stay broken? Wounds can heal if you just take the time to repair the damage. So how do you go about repairing the emotional trauma that we all experience?
The first step is to identify your triggers. Do you ever find that you overreact to certain circumstances? If so, that's a pretty good indicator that you've got an emotional scar that probably hasn't quite healed. When you find yourself overreacting or feeling hypersensitive about something that someone says or does, stop for a minute. Identify what it is that caused you pain. What was the behavior that brought on that response? Then look back into your emotional history and try to find what kind of similar experiences you may have had. We often overreact because some old wound never properly healed, and until we identify that wound, we are bound to remain stuck repeating unhealthy patterns.
Secondly, you have to understand your role and responsibilities in the original and subsequently similar situations. Did your behavior cause or contribute to the problem? Unless you are able to look critically at yourself and understand how you contribute to your own pain, you will never fully be able to break free from the cycle.
The final step is to let it go. You know that you can't change the past, and hanging on to pain and negative energy only hurts you in the end. It's very important that you learn what you need through every experience and in every relationship. What you don't need to do is hang on to anger or hurt. This process takes a while and isn't always easy, but the more you realize that we are all operating from a place of dysfunction on one level or another, you can come to the understanding that the pain others may have caused you may not have been intentional. People evolve at different rates and operate from different levels of consciousness. Sometimes other people's behavior doesn't have anything to do with you at all, but rather everything to do with their own dysfunctions. As much as you may hate to admit it, you are not the center of the universe, and other people's behavior may have very little to do with you at all.
So yes, we're all damaged goods to some degree. But it's entirely up to you to decide if you want to remain in an entirely broken state, or do the work necessary to repair what has been broken. Hearts and spirits are much more resilient that you realize, and with a conscious approach to your emotional reactions, you can begin to identify your battle wounds and make sure that they are healing properly. You might be surprised to find that most damage can actually be undone.
Family dynamics often play a huge role in how we relate to one another. I don't know anyone that was not somehow "screwed up" by their parents. Children don't come with instruction manuals and most parents don't know what they're doing in spite of their best intentions. What we have to understand is that we are all products of our own experiences, and our parents are no exception. They did the best they could with the resources and experience that they had. You can either chose to chalk it up as a learning experience and rise above crazy family dynamics, or you can continue to blame your parents for all of your problems and let negative patterns continue to affect all your relationships. I don't care how dysfunctional your family might have been, you can, with effort, get past it. I believe that letting a negative past continue to control your future is one of the most self-destructive things a person can do to themselves.
Most of us have been wounded by love at one time or another. Our partners disappoint us, leave us, or wind up not being the people that we think they are or want them to be. Yes, we get our hearts ripped out and tossed on the floor- the problem is that most of us never consider picking our heart back up and putting it back in. We walk around empty, fearing vulnerability, and never develop the courage to love again. But why chose to stay broken? Wounds can heal if you just take the time to repair the damage. So how do you go about repairing the emotional trauma that we all experience?
The first step is to identify your triggers. Do you ever find that you overreact to certain circumstances? If so, that's a pretty good indicator that you've got an emotional scar that probably hasn't quite healed. When you find yourself overreacting or feeling hypersensitive about something that someone says or does, stop for a minute. Identify what it is that caused you pain. What was the behavior that brought on that response? Then look back into your emotional history and try to find what kind of similar experiences you may have had. We often overreact because some old wound never properly healed, and until we identify that wound, we are bound to remain stuck repeating unhealthy patterns.
Secondly, you have to understand your role and responsibilities in the original and subsequently similar situations. Did your behavior cause or contribute to the problem? Unless you are able to look critically at yourself and understand how you contribute to your own pain, you will never fully be able to break free from the cycle.
The final step is to let it go. You know that you can't change the past, and hanging on to pain and negative energy only hurts you in the end. It's very important that you learn what you need through every experience and in every relationship. What you don't need to do is hang on to anger or hurt. This process takes a while and isn't always easy, but the more you realize that we are all operating from a place of dysfunction on one level or another, you can come to the understanding that the pain others may have caused you may not have been intentional. People evolve at different rates and operate from different levels of consciousness. Sometimes other people's behavior doesn't have anything to do with you at all, but rather everything to do with their own dysfunctions. As much as you may hate to admit it, you are not the center of the universe, and other people's behavior may have very little to do with you at all.
So yes, we're all damaged goods to some degree. But it's entirely up to you to decide if you want to remain in an entirely broken state, or do the work necessary to repair what has been broken. Hearts and spirits are much more resilient that you realize, and with a conscious approach to your emotional reactions, you can begin to identify your battle wounds and make sure that they are healing properly. You might be surprised to find that most damage can actually be undone.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Tug of War
I find it odd that whenever people get involved in an emotional/physical relationship, a power struggle often ensues. It starts out benign enough, but eventually turns into an emotional tug of war. One person is often pulling with all their might, while the other feels a sense of panic as they feel dangerously close to being hurled into the mud.
Relationships, particularly in their embryonic stages, are exciting, scary and often confusing. We're not sure how much of our feelings to share with our new partner because we don't know where their heads are at- and so the game begins...
In the beginning, there's often one person who is more aggressive in moving the relationship along. They call regularly, text, make plans and generally rush to take things to the next level as quickly as possible. This can make the recipient of all this attention feel like they have the upper-hand, or it can send him or her into a state of panic because they feel that things are moving a little too fast. So the recipient, in an attempt to regain balance digs in their heels and pulls back. Maybe they make themselves less available because they don't want to feel consumed. Perhaps they feel pressured to give up the rest of their interests or lives to be in this relationship, or maybe they just prefer to move at a slower emotional pace. In any case, the result always seems to be the same: they attempt to find their balance by digging in, refusing to become vulnerable or moving forward.
The result of this is that the initial aggressor is left confused or hurt, and they often retreat emotionally because they feel rejected. They stop pulling and there's nothing but slack in the rope. But none of us like the feeling of slack, so more often than not, the other person begins to feel ignored and they start to pull. They miss that initial attention and start to pursue their partner with a greater sense of urgency. Unfortunately, what has already manifested are hurt feelings and a sense of vulnerability. Sometimes it's too late, the damage has already been done and the relationship just dies because it is just too little, too late. Other times, it sets in motion a pattern that lasts as long as the relationship is in tact- with one person always pulling and the other in retreat mode- the power shifts back and forth like a metronome.
It's really hard to put yourself out there emotionally when it comes to relationships. We're all afraid of being vulnerable and getting hurt. But what if we never tried? Part of truly living is loving. And yes, sometimes love hurts! But it's also what connects us, what makes us human and what drives us to be our best.
Perhaps if we were just able to communicate our fears honestly with our partners, we would have a greater understanding of what each other needed to feel safe. If we could drop our guard and not take our partner's fears personally, we could listen without feeling threatened. The struggle between dependence and independence is an ongoing one for all of us. None of us want to lose our sense of self in order to be in a relationship, but striking that balance is very difficult. Pulling on the rope is emotional manipulation. It either feels self protective or too aggressive, and it doesn't really serve any healthy purpose.
What if we just considered dropping the rope? Maybe then no one would have to wind up in the mud.
Relationships, particularly in their embryonic stages, are exciting, scary and often confusing. We're not sure how much of our feelings to share with our new partner because we don't know where their heads are at- and so the game begins...
In the beginning, there's often one person who is more aggressive in moving the relationship along. They call regularly, text, make plans and generally rush to take things to the next level as quickly as possible. This can make the recipient of all this attention feel like they have the upper-hand, or it can send him or her into a state of panic because they feel that things are moving a little too fast. So the recipient, in an attempt to regain balance digs in their heels and pulls back. Maybe they make themselves less available because they don't want to feel consumed. Perhaps they feel pressured to give up the rest of their interests or lives to be in this relationship, or maybe they just prefer to move at a slower emotional pace. In any case, the result always seems to be the same: they attempt to find their balance by digging in, refusing to become vulnerable or moving forward.
The result of this is that the initial aggressor is left confused or hurt, and they often retreat emotionally because they feel rejected. They stop pulling and there's nothing but slack in the rope. But none of us like the feeling of slack, so more often than not, the other person begins to feel ignored and they start to pull. They miss that initial attention and start to pursue their partner with a greater sense of urgency. Unfortunately, what has already manifested are hurt feelings and a sense of vulnerability. Sometimes it's too late, the damage has already been done and the relationship just dies because it is just too little, too late. Other times, it sets in motion a pattern that lasts as long as the relationship is in tact- with one person always pulling and the other in retreat mode- the power shifts back and forth like a metronome.
It's really hard to put yourself out there emotionally when it comes to relationships. We're all afraid of being vulnerable and getting hurt. But what if we never tried? Part of truly living is loving. And yes, sometimes love hurts! But it's also what connects us, what makes us human and what drives us to be our best.
Perhaps if we were just able to communicate our fears honestly with our partners, we would have a greater understanding of what each other needed to feel safe. If we could drop our guard and not take our partner's fears personally, we could listen without feeling threatened. The struggle between dependence and independence is an ongoing one for all of us. None of us want to lose our sense of self in order to be in a relationship, but striking that balance is very difficult. Pulling on the rope is emotional manipulation. It either feels self protective or too aggressive, and it doesn't really serve any healthy purpose.
What if we just considered dropping the rope? Maybe then no one would have to wind up in the mud.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
We're Not Getting Out of This Alive
There comes a point in all of our lives that we become acutely aware of our own mortality- an existential crisis of sorts, where we all begin to question what our lives are all about, and if we're really living them at all.
Modern life is not ordinarily conducive to this sort of reflection: we get so caught up in the day-to-day grind that we rarely stop to question whether or not we are truly living the lives that we were meant to live. Sometimes it takes a crisis to slow us down such as the death of a friend, a health scare or even the approach of a milestone birthday. In any event, it makes me wonder why we are not living our lives more consciously. Why should it take some sort of catastrophic event for us to reflect on the meaning of our lives? Shouldn't we be making choices everyday that bring us closer to being our best selves?
I recently found out that a friend of mine has a year to live. It was quite a shock, especially considering that she is not even in her 40's. It got me thinking about how all of our days are numbered. Life is a finite thing, and yet we often coast along as if we had all the time in the world. We put off doing things or connecting with people that we love because there's always tomorrow. But is there?
What if we lived every day as if it were our last? What would that look like? Would you listen more carefully when someone speaks? Would you open your eyes to the beauty around you? Would you stop to reflect on who you are and what you are passionate about? Are you consciously creating the life you've always dreamed about?
Life is a precious thing and unfortunately it's not going to last forever. Take a moment right now to think about what you want your life to mean- how you'd want to be remembered, and then start working backwards. What can you do today, right here, right now, to get closer to that ideal? Remember- you're not getting out of this alive, so you might as well really start living.
Modern life is not ordinarily conducive to this sort of reflection: we get so caught up in the day-to-day grind that we rarely stop to question whether or not we are truly living the lives that we were meant to live. Sometimes it takes a crisis to slow us down such as the death of a friend, a health scare or even the approach of a milestone birthday. In any event, it makes me wonder why we are not living our lives more consciously. Why should it take some sort of catastrophic event for us to reflect on the meaning of our lives? Shouldn't we be making choices everyday that bring us closer to being our best selves?
I recently found out that a friend of mine has a year to live. It was quite a shock, especially considering that she is not even in her 40's. It got me thinking about how all of our days are numbered. Life is a finite thing, and yet we often coast along as if we had all the time in the world. We put off doing things or connecting with people that we love because there's always tomorrow. But is there?
What if we lived every day as if it were our last? What would that look like? Would you listen more carefully when someone speaks? Would you open your eyes to the beauty around you? Would you stop to reflect on who you are and what you are passionate about? Are you consciously creating the life you've always dreamed about?
Life is a precious thing and unfortunately it's not going to last forever. Take a moment right now to think about what you want your life to mean- how you'd want to be remembered, and then start working backwards. What can you do today, right here, right now, to get closer to that ideal? Remember- you're not getting out of this alive, so you might as well really start living.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Back in the Saddle
Boy, did I get thrown from that horse! I got really hurt, so I was afraid to get back in the saddle for a long, long time. But I love to ride, so eventually I had to decide whether or not to let my fear of getting hurt separate me from something that I really want in my life. And so it goes with love.....
I've had my heart broken a time or two, and I'm sure there are those that would say that I have done the same to them. It's something that we all experience, and it never seems to get any easier the second, third, or whatever time around. Let's face it, heartbreak sucks! So how do we process through it, learn the lessons that we need to learn and eventually get back in the saddle?
There are those that subscribe to the philosophy that you just have to get back up on that horse right away. When it comes to love, I would call that the "art of distraction." If you focus on a new object of interest, then you theoretically sweep your pain under the rug, at least for a while. The problem is, the pain is still there, and it's not going anywhere unless you do something with it. Oh sure, you may feel a little better for a while, but if you never process through it, it will just rear its ugly head again- probably to screw up your next relationship. If you don't sit back and analyze where things went off the rails in your last relationship, and acknowledge where you may have contributed to its problems, you are almost guaranteed to repeat your mistakes.
The worst thing you can do is overlap relationships. Cowards are especially fond of this technique because they are so uncomfortable with the idea of being alone, that they will manipulate two people until they are basically forced to make up their minds. Overlapping compromises your integrity, and it creates doubt in the new partner's mind about your ability to be loyal. After all, if it was that easy to take you out of a committed relationship, then how are they supposed to have faith that you can be loyal to them? In addition, overlapping never allows you to gain the understanding required to be more successful in a relationship the next time around. So if you are in a relationship that is not working out, please spare your current and potential partners the indignity of "the overlap." You'll feel much better about yourself in the long run.
Of course the flip side of the overlap and the art of distraction is allowing your fear of getting hurt to keep you from ever taking another chance on love. Oh sure, you might be saved from getting your heart broken again, but is that really living? Part of being fully engaged in life means experiencing all human emotions: happiness, joy, sorrow and pain. Without a few of the lows, would we ever be able to fully appreciate the highs? It's that beautiful contrast of emotions that really color our world. Even though I've gotten the shit kicked out of me by love, I'm not willing to give up the opportunity to experience those amazing highs again. Love really is a powerful thing: it can build us up and tear us down, but our faith in believing that we can, and will love again, will get us through those tough times. Isolating yourself from the possibilities of love only hurts you, even if it does feel safer at the time.
So what's the answer? Spend the time that you need to understand the dynamics of your failed relationships. We're all here to learn, and like it or not, failed relationships are probably our best teachers. We learn so much about ourselves when we can be objective about our relationship dynamics. So ask yourself what you needed to learn. What can you do better the next time around? How can you better communicate with a partner, and how can you be more sensitive to the needs of another human being? By taking the time to answer these questions, you will be better prepared to be in another relationship.
So don't let your fear of getting hurt get in the way of ever loving again. Take some time for yourself and surround yourself with friends and family so you don't feel alone. Process through what you need to and develop a better game plan for the next time around. And when you're ready, put your riding boots back on and get back up on that horse. Never let fear get in the way of enjoying a great ride!
I've had my heart broken a time or two, and I'm sure there are those that would say that I have done the same to them. It's something that we all experience, and it never seems to get any easier the second, third, or whatever time around. Let's face it, heartbreak sucks! So how do we process through it, learn the lessons that we need to learn and eventually get back in the saddle?
There are those that subscribe to the philosophy that you just have to get back up on that horse right away. When it comes to love, I would call that the "art of distraction." If you focus on a new object of interest, then you theoretically sweep your pain under the rug, at least for a while. The problem is, the pain is still there, and it's not going anywhere unless you do something with it. Oh sure, you may feel a little better for a while, but if you never process through it, it will just rear its ugly head again- probably to screw up your next relationship. If you don't sit back and analyze where things went off the rails in your last relationship, and acknowledge where you may have contributed to its problems, you are almost guaranteed to repeat your mistakes.
The worst thing you can do is overlap relationships. Cowards are especially fond of this technique because they are so uncomfortable with the idea of being alone, that they will manipulate two people until they are basically forced to make up their minds. Overlapping compromises your integrity, and it creates doubt in the new partner's mind about your ability to be loyal. After all, if it was that easy to take you out of a committed relationship, then how are they supposed to have faith that you can be loyal to them? In addition, overlapping never allows you to gain the understanding required to be more successful in a relationship the next time around. So if you are in a relationship that is not working out, please spare your current and potential partners the indignity of "the overlap." You'll feel much better about yourself in the long run.
Of course the flip side of the overlap and the art of distraction is allowing your fear of getting hurt to keep you from ever taking another chance on love. Oh sure, you might be saved from getting your heart broken again, but is that really living? Part of being fully engaged in life means experiencing all human emotions: happiness, joy, sorrow and pain. Without a few of the lows, would we ever be able to fully appreciate the highs? It's that beautiful contrast of emotions that really color our world. Even though I've gotten the shit kicked out of me by love, I'm not willing to give up the opportunity to experience those amazing highs again. Love really is a powerful thing: it can build us up and tear us down, but our faith in believing that we can, and will love again, will get us through those tough times. Isolating yourself from the possibilities of love only hurts you, even if it does feel safer at the time.
So what's the answer? Spend the time that you need to understand the dynamics of your failed relationships. We're all here to learn, and like it or not, failed relationships are probably our best teachers. We learn so much about ourselves when we can be objective about our relationship dynamics. So ask yourself what you needed to learn. What can you do better the next time around? How can you better communicate with a partner, and how can you be more sensitive to the needs of another human being? By taking the time to answer these questions, you will be better prepared to be in another relationship.
So don't let your fear of getting hurt get in the way of ever loving again. Take some time for yourself and surround yourself with friends and family so you don't feel alone. Process through what you need to and develop a better game plan for the next time around. And when you're ready, put your riding boots back on and get back up on that horse. Never let fear get in the way of enjoying a great ride!
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Killing Polly
Don't worry, your parrots are safe. I'm talking about Pollyanna, that icon of blind optimism. You see, throughout my life I've been an incurable optimist. Optimism in itself is a wonderful thing: it gives us hope. But blind optimism, or the refusal to see people and circumstances for who or what they really are, can be detrimental to our well-being.
I've always prided myself on focusing on the best in people, in fact I've often said that I could get along with the devil himself if I had to. Unfortunately, looking back at my past experiences, I would say that I have put up with many people and circumstances that were clearly not good for me, just because I refused to focus on, or even truly acknowledge, the negative. My myopic optimism has not served me well- I've put up with tyrannical bosses, toxic friendships and men that carry around so much emotional baggage that we needed a bellhop 24/7. You cannot have clear vision if you are wearing rose-colored glasses.
Dr. Phil McGraw states that "people show you who they are, you just have to believe them." I can't think of a statement that is more true. We need to take people at face value, not filter them through our fantasy lens. Sometimes we want something so badly that we ignore what is really being presented to us. We choose to ignore red flags and we are attracted to people for "their potential" rather than for who they are. The problem is, most people never quite measure up to "their potential," so what we're stuck with is the reality. The whole point is, we need to quit trying to make people into what we wish they could be, and just acknowledge who they are. Most people are great, and those are the people that I want to surround myself with, instead of wasting time with those that are not.
Now I'll never be a cynic- it's just not in my nature. However I am going to start calling a spade, a spade, instead of a diamond in the rough. I'm no longer going to blindly accept that all people have my best interest in mind and believe that all people are honest with me. Unfortunately experience has taught me otherwise. That being said, I still believe that there are wonderful people in our world and that life is a great adventure, but I'm no longer going to overlook the obvious just because I want to believe the best about everybody. So I'm taking off my rose colored glasses and finally enjoying 20/20 vision.
And as for Pollyanna? May she rest in peace.
I've always prided myself on focusing on the best in people, in fact I've often said that I could get along with the devil himself if I had to. Unfortunately, looking back at my past experiences, I would say that I have put up with many people and circumstances that were clearly not good for me, just because I refused to focus on, or even truly acknowledge, the negative. My myopic optimism has not served me well- I've put up with tyrannical bosses, toxic friendships and men that carry around so much emotional baggage that we needed a bellhop 24/7. You cannot have clear vision if you are wearing rose-colored glasses.
Dr. Phil McGraw states that "people show you who they are, you just have to believe them." I can't think of a statement that is more true. We need to take people at face value, not filter them through our fantasy lens. Sometimes we want something so badly that we ignore what is really being presented to us. We choose to ignore red flags and we are attracted to people for "their potential" rather than for who they are. The problem is, most people never quite measure up to "their potential," so what we're stuck with is the reality. The whole point is, we need to quit trying to make people into what we wish they could be, and just acknowledge who they are. Most people are great, and those are the people that I want to surround myself with, instead of wasting time with those that are not.
Now I'll never be a cynic- it's just not in my nature. However I am going to start calling a spade, a spade, instead of a diamond in the rough. I'm no longer going to blindly accept that all people have my best interest in mind and believe that all people are honest with me. Unfortunately experience has taught me otherwise. That being said, I still believe that there are wonderful people in our world and that life is a great adventure, but I'm no longer going to overlook the obvious just because I want to believe the best about everybody. So I'm taking off my rose colored glasses and finally enjoying 20/20 vision.
And as for Pollyanna? May she rest in peace.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Pants On Fire
To tell the truth, nothing but the truth, so help me God.
Truth telling seems to be lost on many of us. Society teaches us that sometimes it is better (easier) to tell "little white lies" as opposed to being honest about what we want or how we feel. As children we often learn that there are repercussions in telling the truth. So what is that really doing for our society and our relationships?
In his book , Loving Each Other, Leo Buscaglia states " Only the truth can help us feel secure. Only truth can bring us the necessary trust needed for long-lasting relationships. Only truth, painful though it may sometimes be, can create a safe environment of unity and growth." Without truth, our relationships are like a house of cards- not stable. Without honesty, there can be no trust, and without trust, there ultimately can be no relationship.
Unfortunately, there are many people that fear telling the truth. They are so paralyzed by the possibility of short-term repercussions that they fail to understand the long-term affects that lies have on a relationship. Often these people are so fearful of rejection they will say anything to avoid conflict. This avoidance of the truth only serves to create a chasm between the liar and the partner. Even though the partner may not be aware of the untruth, the lie erodes the relationship. The liar often (unless he or she is a Sociopath) experiences some anxiety in telling the lie. The liar now must also try to remember the fabrication in detail, so that he or she does not tell a different story the next time the issue comes up. The whole process becomes emotionally exhausting and ultimately takes its toll on a relationship. Relating and connecting become much more difficult because the energy that is expended in covering one's tracks depletes what emotional energy one has to give to the relationship.
Some would say that there are different degrees of lying, ranging from "little white lies" to "pants on fire" lies. The little white lie is often used to avoid hurting someone's feelings, and some would say that they are necessary to live in polite society. But really, couldn't we just be honest and work on our delivery so that the truths that we tell are not hurtful? If relationships are built on trust, we must be honest with one another. Sensitivity and truth-telling can go hand in hand if we take the time to think about how the people in our lives will respond to our message. The bottom line is that if we ever expect to have deep relationships, we must be able to express what we think and how we feel without fear of retribution. It takes a lot of confidence to be a truth teller, confidence that can only be built with practice.
So if you want to build deep, solid relationships, tell the people in your life how you feel. Be honest, even when it seems difficult. More often than not, you will find that the people in your life respect you much more for being honest with them. Sure, a little diplomacy never hurts. Just remember, if you want to build strong bonds with people and earn their trust, you cannot stretch or omit the truth. No one will ever be able to be close to someone that has their pants on fire.
Truth telling seems to be lost on many of us. Society teaches us that sometimes it is better (easier) to tell "little white lies" as opposed to being honest about what we want or how we feel. As children we often learn that there are repercussions in telling the truth. So what is that really doing for our society and our relationships?
In his book , Loving Each Other, Leo Buscaglia states " Only the truth can help us feel secure. Only truth can bring us the necessary trust needed for long-lasting relationships. Only truth, painful though it may sometimes be, can create a safe environment of unity and growth." Without truth, our relationships are like a house of cards- not stable. Without honesty, there can be no trust, and without trust, there ultimately can be no relationship.
Unfortunately, there are many people that fear telling the truth. They are so paralyzed by the possibility of short-term repercussions that they fail to understand the long-term affects that lies have on a relationship. Often these people are so fearful of rejection they will say anything to avoid conflict. This avoidance of the truth only serves to create a chasm between the liar and the partner. Even though the partner may not be aware of the untruth, the lie erodes the relationship. The liar often (unless he or she is a Sociopath) experiences some anxiety in telling the lie. The liar now must also try to remember the fabrication in detail, so that he or she does not tell a different story the next time the issue comes up. The whole process becomes emotionally exhausting and ultimately takes its toll on a relationship. Relating and connecting become much more difficult because the energy that is expended in covering one's tracks depletes what emotional energy one has to give to the relationship.
Some would say that there are different degrees of lying, ranging from "little white lies" to "pants on fire" lies. The little white lie is often used to avoid hurting someone's feelings, and some would say that they are necessary to live in polite society. But really, couldn't we just be honest and work on our delivery so that the truths that we tell are not hurtful? If relationships are built on trust, we must be honest with one another. Sensitivity and truth-telling can go hand in hand if we take the time to think about how the people in our lives will respond to our message. The bottom line is that if we ever expect to have deep relationships, we must be able to express what we think and how we feel without fear of retribution. It takes a lot of confidence to be a truth teller, confidence that can only be built with practice.
So if you want to build deep, solid relationships, tell the people in your life how you feel. Be honest, even when it seems difficult. More often than not, you will find that the people in your life respect you much more for being honest with them. Sure, a little diplomacy never hurts. Just remember, if you want to build strong bonds with people and earn their trust, you cannot stretch or omit the truth. No one will ever be able to be close to someone that has their pants on fire.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Burying the Dead
“They build a cemetery right across the street from your house!” exclaimed my friend Jen.
Part of me thought that it was a little creepy having a cemetery so close, after all, I’d seen every horror flick made between 1964 and 1980, thanks to a mother with a fascination with the macabre. Images of flesh-eating zombies danced in my head as Jen continued filling me in on the recent zoning changes in my neighborhood. How am I going to sleep? I wondered to myself. All I could think about were the nightmares that I was likely to have from here on out. “I don’t know if I’m going to be able to live that close to a cemetery,” I told Jen.
“But it’s really beautiful,” replied Jen, “You’ll see.”
What’s that going to feel like? I wondered for myself. I instinctively felt an aversion to having the dead so close to me. As we rounded the corner, what came into view was not a scene out of one of my mother’s movies, but rather an image of peace, tranquility and rest. A long pergola with flowering branches graced the entrance. There were no headstones, just grand expanses of lush, green grass. The air was fresh, and I could hear birds singing and children laughing. I felt content. And then I woke up.
Curious dream, I thought to myself. The emotions that it evoked were so strong, the images so clear.
Later that day, I participated in a Yoga Nidra workshop. If you’re not familiar with Yoga Nidra, think relaxation poses combined with hypnotherapy and you’ll have the idea. I’d been having trouble sleeping since the awful breakup of my last relationship, and I knew that I had to develop a healthy way to get a good night’s sleep, so I’d signed up for the class. The heading on the flyer said “Sleep Like a Baby with Yoga Nidra.” Well, I was already sleeping like a baby (waking up every two hours!), but I was pretty sure that was not what they meant.
When I walked into the workshop, I was surprised to find about 60 other insomniacs already camped out around the room. Bolsters and blankets were stacked around all of the participants- the essentials for human nest-making in the world of yoga.
Lisa, our guide in this journey, led us through some gentle yoga poses before settling us into Savasana, (also known as Corpse Pose). Eyes closed, body relaxed, mind quiet. I listened to Lisa’s voice, following her instructions as she directed our attention to different parts of our bodies. As we settled into our trance-like states, I could hear participants around the room starting to snore. I would later joke with my friends about sleeping with 60 people in one afternoon.
I followed Lisa’s voice as she then called out images to the group, “Golden Egg, Pyramid, Eagle…” Pictures flashed through my mind with little consequence or emotional reaction. “Dancing Shiva, Om, Mandala…” she continued. “Dead Body…”
Whoa! I felt my whole spiritual body lurch back in aversion to that one! The image hit my unconscious in a way that I had never felt before. It was unsettling, and I found myself a little disturbed that she threw something so repulsive in amongst all those other pleasant images that she was suggesting. My emotional reaction was so great that it stuck with me. Why did my spiritual body/unconscious react in such a violent way?
As Lisa closed the session, she asked if any of us experienced any kind of physical/emotional reactions to any of the images. She explained that if we felt any strong sensations, it was because our spirits needed to release a fear, desire or old wound. She was asked by one of the other participants why she threw in “dead body” amongst all of those other benign images. She explained that all the images were archetypes or parts of the collective unconscious. She said that most Americans fear death, but that death is a natural part of the life cycle; that we must accept death as inevitable, and understand that our peace with its concept will help us fully embrace our lives. She continued by explaining that any kind of strong sensation that we experienced to any of the images was our subconscious releasing spiritual pain.
After the workshop, I felt an odd sense of peace, in fact I felt a sense of contentment that I hadn’t felt in over a year. My long term angst had everything to do with the dissolution of my last relationship. That breakup had been the ultimate betrayal and heartbreak, leaving me wondering if I could/would ever be able to love and trust again. For a while after I had kicked that man out of my life, I found myself still wanting him on some level. To stop that pattern, I started my own little practice of aversion therapy. Whenever I found myself missing him or thinking that he was good (which he clearly was not), I would picture him as a maggot-ridden, rotting corpse. I know, it sounds gross, but it definitely stops any thoughts of desire dead in their tracks! I pictured the smell, the decay and all of the worst images of death. No one wants to snuggle up with a corpse, the only practical thing to do with the dead is to bury it.
You see, hanging on to lost love, or a fantasy of reuniting with someone that is clearly bad for you is kind of like clinging to the dead. If you can’t let go, you can never be open to what life can offer you in love. If you’ve ever read Faulkner’s short story A Rose for Emily, you’ll know what I mean. Clinging to a corpse keeps you stuck. In order to move forward, you must bury the dead once and for all.
So it all came together in my unconscious that day: the cemetary in my dream, the release in the Yoga Nidra workshop and my own images of a love that had died. My unconscious had finally thrown that last shovel of dirt on the corpse, putting it where it belonged, in its final resting place. I was now free, no longer haunted by unresolved issues: the flesh-eating zombies of the unconscious. I had buried my dead and was now able to fully embrace my life.
Part of me thought that it was a little creepy having a cemetery so close, after all, I’d seen every horror flick made between 1964 and 1980, thanks to a mother with a fascination with the macabre. Images of flesh-eating zombies danced in my head as Jen continued filling me in on the recent zoning changes in my neighborhood. How am I going to sleep? I wondered to myself. All I could think about were the nightmares that I was likely to have from here on out. “I don’t know if I’m going to be able to live that close to a cemetery,” I told Jen.
“But it’s really beautiful,” replied Jen, “You’ll see.”
What’s that going to feel like? I wondered for myself. I instinctively felt an aversion to having the dead so close to me. As we rounded the corner, what came into view was not a scene out of one of my mother’s movies, but rather an image of peace, tranquility and rest. A long pergola with flowering branches graced the entrance. There were no headstones, just grand expanses of lush, green grass. The air was fresh, and I could hear birds singing and children laughing. I felt content. And then I woke up.
Curious dream, I thought to myself. The emotions that it evoked were so strong, the images so clear.
Later that day, I participated in a Yoga Nidra workshop. If you’re not familiar with Yoga Nidra, think relaxation poses combined with hypnotherapy and you’ll have the idea. I’d been having trouble sleeping since the awful breakup of my last relationship, and I knew that I had to develop a healthy way to get a good night’s sleep, so I’d signed up for the class. The heading on the flyer said “Sleep Like a Baby with Yoga Nidra.” Well, I was already sleeping like a baby (waking up every two hours!), but I was pretty sure that was not what they meant.
When I walked into the workshop, I was surprised to find about 60 other insomniacs already camped out around the room. Bolsters and blankets were stacked around all of the participants- the essentials for human nest-making in the world of yoga.
Lisa, our guide in this journey, led us through some gentle yoga poses before settling us into Savasana, (also known as Corpse Pose). Eyes closed, body relaxed, mind quiet. I listened to Lisa’s voice, following her instructions as she directed our attention to different parts of our bodies. As we settled into our trance-like states, I could hear participants around the room starting to snore. I would later joke with my friends about sleeping with 60 people in one afternoon.
I followed Lisa’s voice as she then called out images to the group, “Golden Egg, Pyramid, Eagle…” Pictures flashed through my mind with little consequence or emotional reaction. “Dancing Shiva, Om, Mandala…” she continued. “Dead Body…”
Whoa! I felt my whole spiritual body lurch back in aversion to that one! The image hit my unconscious in a way that I had never felt before. It was unsettling, and I found myself a little disturbed that she threw something so repulsive in amongst all those other pleasant images that she was suggesting. My emotional reaction was so great that it stuck with me. Why did my spiritual body/unconscious react in such a violent way?
As Lisa closed the session, she asked if any of us experienced any kind of physical/emotional reactions to any of the images. She explained that if we felt any strong sensations, it was because our spirits needed to release a fear, desire or old wound. She was asked by one of the other participants why she threw in “dead body” amongst all of those other benign images. She explained that all the images were archetypes or parts of the collective unconscious. She said that most Americans fear death, but that death is a natural part of the life cycle; that we must accept death as inevitable, and understand that our peace with its concept will help us fully embrace our lives. She continued by explaining that any kind of strong sensation that we experienced to any of the images was our subconscious releasing spiritual pain.
After the workshop, I felt an odd sense of peace, in fact I felt a sense of contentment that I hadn’t felt in over a year. My long term angst had everything to do with the dissolution of my last relationship. That breakup had been the ultimate betrayal and heartbreak, leaving me wondering if I could/would ever be able to love and trust again. For a while after I had kicked that man out of my life, I found myself still wanting him on some level. To stop that pattern, I started my own little practice of aversion therapy. Whenever I found myself missing him or thinking that he was good (which he clearly was not), I would picture him as a maggot-ridden, rotting corpse. I know, it sounds gross, but it definitely stops any thoughts of desire dead in their tracks! I pictured the smell, the decay and all of the worst images of death. No one wants to snuggle up with a corpse, the only practical thing to do with the dead is to bury it.
You see, hanging on to lost love, or a fantasy of reuniting with someone that is clearly bad for you is kind of like clinging to the dead. If you can’t let go, you can never be open to what life can offer you in love. If you’ve ever read Faulkner’s short story A Rose for Emily, you’ll know what I mean. Clinging to a corpse keeps you stuck. In order to move forward, you must bury the dead once and for all.
So it all came together in my unconscious that day: the cemetary in my dream, the release in the Yoga Nidra workshop and my own images of a love that had died. My unconscious had finally thrown that last shovel of dirt on the corpse, putting it where it belonged, in its final resting place. I was now free, no longer haunted by unresolved issues: the flesh-eating zombies of the unconscious. I had buried my dead and was now able to fully embrace my life.
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