Benefit of the Doubt

"She said she wanted to go out with her friends- she must be out with another guy."
"He didn't answer my text for over 4 hours! I must not be very important to him."
"When he comes home from work, he never wants to talk. He just wants to veg out in front of the TV. He doesn't love me anymore."

Any of this sound familiar?

There seems to be a lot of people out there that automatically assume the worst or apply negative meaning to the actions of others. But why? When did we stop giving each other the benefit of the doubt and start assuming the worst about people's motivations? In my experience, these assumptions are often wrong and all they do is add stress to a relationship. Aren't relationships challenging enough without heaping on extra servings of negativity? Why can't we just assume the best or at least have a neutral reaction to other people's behavior?

I've heard a couple of explanations for this type of reactive response. Now I'm not a psychologist- heck I don't even play one on TV, so I can't attest to the validity of any of these theories beyond my own experience and what I can recognize as patterns of behavior. To illustrate these theories, I will call the folks that engage in these patterns the "Baggage Handler," the "Paranoid" and the "Projector."

The Baggage Handler's story is a sad one. These poor souls are the emotionally wounded among us. They're the people that are deeply scarred from the betrayals of previous lovers, who now find it exceedingly difficult to trust. They have yet to release the pain and therefore carry around this extra baggage into subsequent relationships. The result is that the new love interest often has to pay the price for the ex's crimes. If the ex was a cheat, then any potential partner is a cheat. No one can be trusted, and all stand accused. The Baggage Handler applies the ex's bad behavior to everything that the new partner does, regardless of correlation. The falsely accused eventually gets tired of all the unnecessary drama and usually calls it quits on the relationship. The Baggage Handler often feels vindicated when this happens, since he or she felt that the new partner would never stay with them anyway.  Thus the behavior is reinforced, unfortunately to be propagated in the next relationship.

The Paranoid is the insecure person who has low self-esteem. Because of their own self-loathing, they can't really understand why anyone else would really want to be with them. They never quite feel good enough, or loved enough, and because of this insecurity, they are constantly reading negativity into every one else's behavior. The partner of the Paranoid can never just be reflective if they are quiet- they must be upset or not love them anymore, or they must be thinking about someone else. The Paranoid's need for reassurance is so extreme that the partner feels as though they can never fill the void. They feel as though they are constantly walking on a tightrope or jumping through hoops in order to convince the Paranoid of their love and loyalty. Eventually this circus act becomes so exhausting that the partner just gives up, often leaving the Paranoid in a worse state than which they found them.

The Projector is perhaps the worst of the bunch. They are manipulative and deceitful, projecting their own bad behaviors onto to those that they are involved with. A Projector is the person that is unfaithful to their partner and then accuses his or her partner of being the same. They draw from their own experiences and desires and project them onto whomever they are in a relationship with. The partner of a Projector is constantly trying to prove themselves to be honest and trustworthy, however as soon as one accusation is refuted, another one comes up. It becomes a useless battle as the Projector cannot believe that everyone is not just like them. Eventually the falsely accused tires of being on the defensive all the time and leaves the relationship.

So, what does one do when issues come up? We all want to understand someone else's motivation, particularly if we feel hurt by their behavior. But rather than apply our own meaning to it, why not just ask? So many misunderstandings can be avoided by NOT assuming that we know why people do or say the things that they do. We all have filters through which we view our world that are formed by our own experiences. But these lenses often distort, and even when we think that something appears clear to us, it doesn't always mean that it is someone else's reality. So before you apply negative meaning to someone else's behavior, take a moment and consider that you may be misinterpreting. You might save yourself from creating your own anxiety and from putting undue stress on your relationships. People that take an optimistic view of the world report much greater levels of happiness and satisfaction in their relationships. So the next time that you start letting your imagination run away with you or start applying negative meaning to someone else's behavior, stop yourself. Consider that your own point of view is just that- your own point of view. It may have nothing to do with that other person's reality. Chances are, you'll find all of your relationships improving by just giving that person the benefit of the doubt.

Playing with the Monster

When I was a little kid, I was terrified that a monster lived in my closet. He had a pale face, long fangs and sharp claws. He also looked surprisingly similar to Ronald McDonald, but that's a whole other story. Anyway, I was afraid to go into my closet because I was afraid of what lived in there. I just knew that the monster could consume me, or at least hold me hostage long enough for me to be forgotten.

Now that I've grown up, I realize that the monster never lived in my closet at all. My monster lived in my mind. Both dark places, to be sure, and both scary to explore. Unfortunately my fear remains the same- if venture in there too deeply, will I be consumed or lose myself to the outside world?

There seems to be a fear of internal exploration amongst us. Or if not fear, a generalized avoidance. We seek information from other sources, looking for advice from friends or the Internet, searching for our answers outside of ourselves. We are constantly being bombarded by outside stimuli. We keep ourselves busy with external activities and get caught up in our day to day routines, without ever tapping into our greatest resource: our own minds. Why? Do we fear the isolation that is required for quiet reflection? Or do we feel a strange void when we block out the noise of the outside world? Without all the outside stimulation we often feel lost, alone and in need of a guide. But there is no one that can guide us through the darkest recesses of our own minds. Psychologists and Philosophers try, however there is too much unexplored territory to provide us with detailed maps.



If we really let ourselves go, would we spiral out of control? Would it be a rapid decent into madness from which we would never return? Or could we somehow balance our day to day routines with an occasional retreat into our inner consciousness? Could we manage to remove the structure from our thought processes and encourage our brains to work in a way that we rarely allow- a free form method of creativity that does not follow what we have come to label as "logic?"



Most people that I know do not allow for that kind of exploration. We say that we don't have the time, or that we don't know how to meditate, or that it's just not that important. But the one thing that has endured through time is our ability to tap into something bigger than just our physical world. It defines who we are as humans. Our ability to tap into this energy is what connects us with each other through the collective unconscious. Unfortunately we let things get in the way of exploring our minds- we fear what we might find in there. So we avoid the unknown all together; keeping ourselves busy in our over-stimulated lives; doing what we are told we "should" do and never listening to our inner voice.



But what would happen if we played with that monster? Certainly it would become less threatening over time. The dark recesses of our minds do not have to be scary if we are able to refrain from judging the things that we find there. And who knows what you might stumble upon? We just might find ourselves becoming better humans, with the ability to form better connections with those around us. We could also gain the capability to solve our problems in new and exciting ways. And best of all, we would find that our unexplored mind is not really a monster at all, but the path to enlightenment.

About Time

Is Time a benevolent or cruel mistress? Time is the one commodity that we cannot earn, buy or trade. It can only be squandered or maximized.

I don't know about you, but I don't often think about Time as a finite thing- I sometimes live my life as if I had all the Time in the world. Occasionally I even find myself wishing that Time would go by faster: I can't wait for the work week to end so that I can get to the weekend or for it to be summertime again....but if my Time here on earth is limited, why would I want to fast-forward through it?

I have a huge bucket list of all the things that I want to learn, see or do before I die. That's not to say that I haven't already had extraordinary adventures- I've been fortunate enough in my life to have done more things than most people will be able to experience in a lifetime. Yes, I am greedy when it comes to living my life passionately, but sometimes I get lazy. I forget that Time moves forward regardless of whether I do or not.

In thinking about some of the things that I want to accomplish, I was struck by the realization that I am sometimes guilty of squandering away my most precious commodity. Reality, like Time, is not forgiving. I have no excuse for not achieving some of my goals yet; Time has moved forward, but I have not. Sure I could make the standard excuse "Well, I just haven't had the time," but I know that's bullshit. I have the time- we all have the same amount of hours given to us every day. I just haven't used it for that purpose. Sometimes I have wasted it doing useless things like watching television, or being a voyeur on the Internet. Sure, I can "justify" wasting time my Time by saying that I needed to do something mindless for a while, but the truth of the matter is I will never get back those hours. Was I being inspired by those activities? Did they really enhance my life? Will I be on my deathbed one day wishing I had spent more of my Time doing those things?

That's not to say that we should be over-scheduling ourselves. In fact, I believe that many of us are already hyper-stimulated, but often by the wrong things. We work long hours, over-extend ourselves by making too many commitments and exhaust all of our energy engaging in activities that do nothing to feed our souls. We are usually so sped up that when we do slow down, we shut down completely.

Time is the one thing we can control if we put our attention on it. Health and Wealth are often a matter of luck. How we choose to spend our Time is more within our control. Are you making each moment of your life matter? Are you surrounding yourself with people that inspire and delight you? Are you learning new things and exposing yourself to new experiences? Are you challenging yourself daily? Are you making a positive impact on the world and those around you?

Each moment you have right now, is one that you will never regain- are you making conscious choices about these moments? The quality of your life is defined by how you spend your Time. So isn't it about time that you started thinking about it?

Center of the Universe

One of the most liberating realizations that I have ever had is that I am not the center of the universe. Oh sure, it sounds really cool to be the cause of all things that happen, however I think that by releasing the belief that everyone's behavior is somehow related to me, I was able to gain freedom from anxiety and was able to develop a much greater compassion for those around me.

There was a time in my life that I believed that everyone's emotional state of mind was somehow a result of something that I said or did. Every perceived slight created a sense of anxiety in me that I had somehow "done something" to upset that person or make them act that way. If a sales clerk was rude or inattentive, they were somehow responding negatively to me. If my partner was quiet or surly, it was because I had said or done something wrong. If my boss was dismissive, it must be because she was unhappy with my work. If a friend didn't return my call right away, she must be mad at me. You get the picture: I created my own stress and insecurity. What I needed to do was to take myself out of the equation. Chances were, their behavior had nothing to do with me anyway, and by not assuming that I was the cause of people's negativity, I was able to free myself from unnecessary anxiety. My overactive imagination became an impediment to developing happy and healthy relationships with those around me, so I decided to stop thinking that the world and everyone else's behavior revolved around me.

Another thing that I stopped doing is assuming that I understood everyone else's motivation. We've all been driving down the freeway when someone comes speeding along, tailgating and swerving in and out of vehicles. "What an asshole!" is usually our reaction. If this happens on a day in which we may be feeling a little aggressive, we turn into the idiot that we perceive that driver to be! We speed up or slow down so that driver can't pass. Or we flip off the person off or yell profanities. But let's reframe this: what if that person is really rushing to the hospital or experiencing some other sort of emergency? Maybe that person is not really a jerk at all, but just reacting to some stimuli that is unknown by us. By not assuming the other driver's motivation, we keep ourselves from becoming the asshole that we perceive them to be.

Many of us work in high pressure jobs, and unfortunately, people in the workplace don't always treat their colleagues with tact and diplomacy. But if we assume that our co-worker's short-temper or ill-phrased comment is a reflection of their opinion of us, we may be doing ourselves a disservice and harming an otherwise good working relationship. What if you just cut your co-worker a little slack, and instead of assuming that he or she is reacting to you, just chalk it up to them having a bad day? By not making someone else's behavior about you, you are able to handle situations and interact with people with much more understanding.

We all have a tough time when we feel as though someone is not being sensitive to our needs and feelings, but let's face it- it's not always about us. Sometimes it's just about them. You can save yourself a lot of grief by letting go of the belief that everyone's behavior is somehow a reaction to you. By not thinking that you are the center of the universe, you free yourself from everyone else's emotional gravity.

Wings

I held a butterfly with a broken wing;

I raced the dragonflies along the stream.

It made me wonder if it is better to be

beautiful and broken, or fast and free.

Birds of a Feather

What does your choice of friends say about you? We've all heard the saying "birds of a feather flock together," but are your friends truly a reflection of who you are and what you represent? Or does fate put people in our lives that become important to us irrespective of commonality?

With over 6 billion people on our planet, we have limitless opportunities to develop relationships with others. So how do we decide who becomes a part of our inner circle? Do we seek out those that seem familiar because of shared interests and/or values? Or are we attracted to our opposite in order to obtain some sort of psychological equilibrium or to challenge ourselves? Do we even consciously choose at all?

Perhaps is it more fate-driven. Maybe the universe puts people in our lives that give us what we need at the time. Sometimes people come into our lives to help us heal and to give us hope. These people may not always stay in our lives, but they provide an emotional life preserver to us when we need it.

Other people come into our lives to teach us lessons that we need to learn. These people may cause us great grief, by challenging us. Careful examination of these relationships often reveal a part of our own character or behavior that needed to change in order for us to grow. These relationships can be quite painful, however if we take responsibility for our role in how things played out, we can become a better version of ourselves.

The relationships that we form create meaning in our lives. They build us up and they tear us apart. We learn, we grow and we feel part of something bigger than ourselves. Our friends are there to support us, and sometimes call us out when they see us getting off track. Bottom line: we are pack animals. We are hard-wired to gravitate toward others, and to develop relationships with those around us. Perhaps it really doesn't matter how or why a person comes into your life at all; maybe a better question to ask yourself is what you are bringing to theirs.

Taking Your Own Advice

It's funny how easy it is to give other people advice. When people come to me with their problems, I am able to listen to the issue with an open mind, consider all the options, and remain objective and practical. It's probably why my phone is always ringing and people are always in my office. I'm a "fixer," and I seem to have the patience and wisdom that people look for when they run into problems.

The irony is that it seems so hard to be clear-headed about my own problems. It's so easy to let emotions cloud better judgement, and sometimes I just feel stuck.

So what do I do when this happens? Well, because I'm a bit of a control freak, I often put a lot of pressure on myself to find immediate solutions. Sometimes an immediate plan of action is necessary, but often times where emotional issues are concerned, I just don't need to have everything figured out right away. Sometimes just letting things take their natural course is the best plan of action, so I just need to let it go. Definitely easier said than done- I'm very hard on myself when I don't have everything figured out. Of course when other people come to me with their problems and it's obvious that they really don't have to make a decision right away, I advise them to leave it alone for a while. "You don't have to decide now," is what I say to people struggling with issues when immediate solutions aren't necessary. We shouldn't be afraid to put our concerns on the back burner for awhile. Things often have a way of working themselves out, especially when it comes to emotional issues. We just need to create a little space to gain perspective.

The other thing that I struggle with is cloudy judgement when it comes to matters of the heart. The crazy thing is that if a friend came to me and described their relationship dynamics, I'd be able to give them razor-sharp advice. I know what works and what doesn't and what's healthy or not. Except when it's MY relationship. Funny how we can have so much clarity when it comes to someone else's problems but we're blind when it comes to our own.

The thing that saves me when I'm in that situation is pretending that I'm not in the situation at all. Here's what I mean: if a friend came to me and gave me all of the details of the issue that I was struggling with, how would I advise them? This enables me to look at things from a more objective point of view. By removing myself and my emotions out of the picture, I am able to see things with much greater clarity. It can be pretty hard to be objective about issues when you're stuck in the middle of them. However, you can gain perspective by taking yourself out of the equation (figuratively speaking of course), and imagining that you are advising someone that you care about instead.

This all comes down to taking your own advice. We all have an amazing ability to remain objective when it comes to other people's problems. Why not apply that same wisdom to your own? Figure out if you really need to worry about an outcome now, or if you might be better off to wait and see how things play out naturally. And when you become emotionally overwhelmed with an issue, ask yourself what you would tell a friend to do if they were in the same situation. Most of us really do instinctively know what to do when we run into problems, however we often let emotions cloud our better judgement. So take a step back and pretend you are advising a friend. When it all comes down to it, we should value ourselves as much as we value the other people in our lives, so doesn't it just make sense to take our own advice?