We're Not Getting Out of This Alive

There comes a point in all of our lives that we become acutely aware of our own mortality- an existential crisis of sorts, where we all begin to question what our lives are all about, and if we're really living them at all.

Modern life is not ordinarily conducive to this sort of reflection: we get so caught up in the day-to-day grind that we rarely stop to question whether or not we are truly living the lives that we were meant to live. Sometimes it takes a crisis to slow us down such as the death of a friend, a health scare or even the approach of a milestone birthday. In any event, it makes me wonder why we are not living our lives more consciously. Why should it take some sort of catastrophic event for us to reflect on the meaning of our lives? Shouldn't we be making choices everyday that bring us closer to being our best selves?

I recently found out that a friend of mine has a year to live. It was quite a shock, especially considering that she is not even in her 40's. It got me thinking about how all of our days are numbered. Life is a finite thing, and yet we often coast along as if we had all the time in the world. We put off doing things or connecting with people that we love because there's always tomorrow. But is there?

What if we lived every day as if it were our last? What would that look like? Would you listen more carefully when someone speaks? Would you open your eyes to the beauty around you? Would you stop to reflect on who you are and what you are passionate about? Are you consciously creating the life you've always dreamed about?

Life is a precious thing and unfortunately it's not going to last forever. Take a moment right now to think about what you want your life to mean- how you'd want to be remembered, and then start working backwards. What can you do today, right here, right now, to get closer to that ideal? Remember- you're not getting out of this alive, so you might as well really start living.

Back in the Saddle

Boy, did I get thrown from that horse! I got really hurt, so I was afraid to get back in the saddle for a long, long time. But I love to ride, so eventually I had to decide whether or not to let my fear of getting hurt separate me from something that I really want in my life. And so it goes with love.....

I've had my heart broken a time or two, and I'm sure there are those that would say that I have done the same to them. It's something that we all experience, and it never seems to get any easier the second, third, or whatever time around. Let's face it, heartbreak sucks! So how do we process through it, learn the lessons that we need to learn and eventually get back in the saddle?

There are those that subscribe to the philosophy that you just have to get back up on that horse right away. When it comes to love, I would call that the "art of distraction." If you focus on a new object of interest, then you theoretically sweep your pain under the rug, at least for a while. The problem is, the pain is still there, and it's not going anywhere unless you do something with it. Oh sure, you may feel a little better for a while, but if you never process through it, it will just rear its ugly head again- probably to screw up your next relationship. If you don't sit back and analyze where things went off the rails in your last relationship, and acknowledge where you may have contributed to its problems, you are almost guaranteed to repeat your mistakes.

The worst thing you can do is overlap relationships. Cowards are especially fond of this technique because they are so uncomfortable with the idea of being alone, that they will manipulate two people until they are basically forced to make up their minds. Overlapping compromises your integrity, and it creates doubt in the new partner's mind about your ability to be loyal. After all, if it was that easy to take you out of a committed relationship, then how are they supposed to have faith that you can be loyal to them? In addition, overlapping never allows you to gain the understanding required to be more successful in a relationship the next time around. So if you are in a relationship that is not working out, please spare your current and potential partners the indignity of "the overlap." You'll feel much better about yourself in the long run.

Of course the flip side of the overlap and the art of distraction is allowing your fear of getting hurt to keep you from ever taking another chance on love. Oh sure, you might be saved from getting your heart broken again, but is that really living? Part of being fully engaged in life means experiencing all human emotions: happiness, joy, sorrow and pain. Without a few of the lows, would we ever be able to fully appreciate the highs? It's that beautiful contrast of emotions that really color our world. Even though I've gotten the shit kicked out of me by love, I'm not willing to give up the opportunity to experience those amazing highs again. Love really is a powerful thing: it can build us up and tear us down, but our faith in believing that we can, and will love again, will get us through those tough times. Isolating yourself from the possibilities of love only hurts you, even if it does feel safer at the time.

So what's the answer? Spend the time that you need to understand the dynamics of your failed relationships. We're all here to learn, and like it or not, failed relationships are probably our best teachers. We learn so much about ourselves when we can be objective about our relationship dynamics. So ask yourself what you needed to learn. What can you do better the next time around? How can you better communicate with a partner, and how can you be more sensitive to the needs of another human being? By taking the time to answer these questions, you will be better prepared to be in another relationship.

So don't let your fear of getting hurt get in the way of ever loving again. Take some time for yourself and surround yourself with friends and family so you don't feel alone. Process through what you need to and develop a better game plan for the next time around. And when you're ready, put your riding boots back on and get back up on that horse. Never let fear get in the way of enjoying a great ride!

Killing Polly

Don't worry, your parrots are safe. I'm talking about Pollyanna, that icon of blind optimism. You see, throughout my life I've been an incurable optimist. Optimism in itself is a wonderful thing: it gives us hope. But blind optimism, or the refusal to see people and circumstances for who or what they really are, can be detrimental to our well-being.

I've always prided myself on focusing on the best in people, in fact I've often said that I could get along with the devil himself if I had to. Unfortunately, looking back at my past experiences, I would say that I have put up with many people and circumstances that were clearly not good for me, just because I refused to focus on, or even truly acknowledge, the negative. My myopic optimism has not served me well- I've put up with tyrannical bosses, toxic friendships and men that carry around so much emotional baggage that we needed a bellhop 24/7. You cannot have clear vision if you are wearing rose-colored glasses.

Dr. Phil McGraw states that "people show you who they are, you just have to believe them." I can't think of a statement that is more true. We need to take people at face value, not filter them through our fantasy lens. Sometimes we want something so badly that we ignore what is really being presented to us. We choose to ignore red flags and we are attracted to people for "their potential" rather than for who they are. The problem is, most people never quite measure up to "their potential," so what we're stuck with is the reality. The whole point is, we need to quit trying to make people into what we wish they could be, and just acknowledge who they are. Most people are great, and those are the people that I want to surround myself with, instead of wasting time with those that are not.

Now I'll never be a cynic- it's just not in my nature. However I am going to start calling a spade, a spade, instead of a diamond in the rough. I'm no longer going to blindly accept that all people have my best interest in mind and believe that all people are honest with me. Unfortunately experience has taught me otherwise. That being said, I still believe that there are wonderful people in our world and that life is a great adventure, but I'm no longer going to overlook the obvious just because I want to believe the best about everybody. So I'm taking off my rose colored glasses and finally enjoying 20/20 vision.

And as for Pollyanna? May she rest in peace.

Pants On Fire

To tell the truth, nothing but the truth, so help me God.

Truth telling seems to be lost on many of us. Society teaches us that sometimes it is better (easier) to tell "little white lies" as opposed to being honest about what we want or how we feel. As children we often learn that there are repercussions in telling the truth. So what is that really doing for our society and our relationships?

In his book , Loving Each Other, Leo Buscaglia states " Only the truth can help us feel secure. Only truth can bring us the necessary trust needed for long-lasting relationships. Only truth, painful though it may sometimes be, can create a safe environment of unity and growth." Without truth, our relationships are like a house of cards- not stable. Without honesty, there can be no trust, and without trust, there ultimately can be no relationship.

Unfortunately, there are many people that fear telling the truth. They are so paralyzed by the possibility of short-term repercussions that they fail to understand the long-term affects that lies have on a relationship. Often these people are so fearful of rejection they will say anything to avoid conflict. This avoidance of the truth only serves to create a chasm between the liar and the partner. Even though the partner may not be aware of the untruth, the lie erodes the relationship. The liar often (unless he or she is a Sociopath) experiences some anxiety in telling the lie. The liar now must also try to remember the fabrication in detail, so that he or she does not tell a different story the next time the issue comes up. The whole process becomes emotionally exhausting and ultimately takes its toll on a relationship. Relating and connecting become much more difficult because the energy that is expended in covering one's tracks depletes what emotional energy one has to give to the relationship.

Some would say that there are different degrees of lying, ranging from "little white lies" to "pants on fire" lies. The little white lie is often used to avoid hurting someone's feelings, and some would say that they are necessary to live in polite society. But really, couldn't we just be honest and work on our delivery so that the truths that we tell are not hurtful? If relationships are built on trust, we must be honest with one another. Sensitivity and truth-telling can go hand in hand if we take the time to think about how the people in our lives will respond to our message. The bottom line is that if we ever expect to have deep relationships, we must be able to express what we think and how we feel without fear of retribution. It takes a lot of confidence to be a truth teller, confidence that can only be built with practice.

So if you want to build deep, solid relationships, tell the people in your life how you feel. Be honest, even when it seems difficult. More often than not, you will find that the people in your life respect you much more for being honest with them. Sure, a little diplomacy never hurts. Just remember, if you want to build strong bonds with people and earn their trust, you cannot stretch or omit the truth. No one will ever be able to be close to someone that has their pants on fire.

Burying the Dead

“They build a cemetery right across the street from your house!” exclaimed my friend Jen.

Part of me thought that it was a little creepy having a cemetery so close, after all, I’d seen every horror flick made between 1964 and 1980, thanks to a mother with a fascination with the macabre. Images of flesh-eating zombies danced in my head as Jen continued filling me in on the recent zoning changes in my neighborhood. How am I going to sleep? I wondered to myself. All I could think about were the nightmares that I was likely to have from here on out. “I don’t know if I’m going to be able to live that close to a cemetery,” I told Jen.

“But it’s really beautiful,” replied Jen, “You’ll see.”

What’s that going to feel like? I wondered for myself. I instinctively felt an aversion to having the dead so close to me. As we rounded the corner, what came into view was not a scene out of one of my mother’s movies, but rather an image of peace, tranquility and rest. A long pergola with flowering branches graced the entrance. There were no headstones, just grand expanses of lush, green grass. The air was fresh, and I could hear birds singing and children laughing. I felt content. And then I woke up.

Curious dream, I thought to myself. The emotions that it evoked were so strong, the images so clear.

Later that day, I participated in a Yoga Nidra workshop. If you’re not familiar with Yoga Nidra, think relaxation poses combined with hypnotherapy and you’ll have the idea. I’d been having trouble sleeping since the awful breakup of my last relationship, and I knew that I had to develop a healthy way to get a good night’s sleep, so I’d signed up for the class. The heading on the flyer said “Sleep Like a Baby with Yoga Nidra.” Well, I was already sleeping like a baby (waking up every two hours!), but I was pretty sure that was not what they meant.

When I walked into the workshop, I was surprised to find about 60 other insomniacs already camped out around the room. Bolsters and blankets were stacked around all of the participants- the essentials for human nest-making in the world of yoga.

Lisa, our guide in this journey, led us through some gentle yoga poses before settling us into Savasana, (also known as Corpse Pose). Eyes closed, body relaxed, mind quiet. I listened to Lisa’s voice, following her instructions as she directed our attention to different parts of our bodies. As we settled into our trance-like states, I could hear participants around the room starting to snore. I would later joke with my friends about sleeping with 60 people in one afternoon.

I followed Lisa’s voice as she then called out images to the group, “Golden Egg, Pyramid, Eagle…” Pictures flashed through my mind with little consequence or emotional reaction. “Dancing Shiva, Om, Mandala…” she continued. “Dead Body…”

Whoa! I felt my whole spiritual body lurch back in aversion to that one! The image hit my unconscious in a way that I had never felt before. It was unsettling, and I found myself a little disturbed that she threw something so repulsive in amongst all those other pleasant images that she was suggesting. My emotional reaction was so great that it stuck with me. Why did my spiritual body/unconscious react in such a violent way?

As Lisa closed the session, she asked if any of us experienced any kind of physical/emotional reactions to any of the images. She explained that if we felt any strong sensations, it was because our spirits needed to release a fear, desire or old wound. She was asked by one of the other participants why she threw in “dead body” amongst all of those other benign images. She explained that all the images were archetypes or parts of the collective unconscious. She said that most Americans fear death, but that death is a natural part of the life cycle; that we must accept death as inevitable, and understand that our peace with its concept will help us fully embrace our lives. She continued by explaining that any kind of strong sensation that we experienced to any of the images was our subconscious releasing spiritual pain.

After the workshop, I felt an odd sense of peace, in fact I felt a sense of contentment that I hadn’t felt in over a year. My long term angst had everything to do with the dissolution of my last relationship. That breakup had been the ultimate betrayal and heartbreak, leaving me wondering if I could/would ever be able to love and trust again. For a while after I had kicked that man out of my life, I found myself still wanting him on some level. To stop that pattern, I started my own little practice of aversion therapy. Whenever I found myself missing him or thinking that he was good (which he clearly was not), I would picture him as a maggot-ridden, rotting corpse. I know, it sounds gross, but it definitely stops any thoughts of desire dead in their tracks! I pictured the smell, the decay and all of the worst images of death. No one wants to snuggle up with a corpse, the only practical thing to do with the dead is to bury it.

You see, hanging on to lost love, or a fantasy of reuniting with someone that is clearly bad for you is kind of like clinging to the dead. If you can’t let go, you can never be open to what life can offer you in love. If you’ve ever read Faulkner’s short story A Rose for Emily, you’ll know what I mean. Clinging to a corpse keeps you stuck. In order to move forward, you must bury the dead once and for all.

So it all came together in my unconscious that day: the cemetary in my dream, the release in the Yoga Nidra workshop and my own images of a love that had died. My unconscious had finally thrown that last shovel of dirt on the corpse, putting it where it belonged, in its final resting place. I was now free, no longer haunted by unresolved issues: the flesh-eating zombies of the unconscious. I had buried my dead and was now able to fully embrace my life.

Full Disclosure

To tell, or not to tell? That is the question.

As much as we may try to convince ourselves otherwise, we all want to be loved and accepted by others. We want people to think highly of us and not judge us for our imperfections. To avoid rejection, we often keep parts of ourselves hidden from the very people that we want to be closest to. We don't express our hopes and fears, nor do we share the mistakes that we have made in the past. Unfortunately, this only leaves us feeling isolated and doubting our self worth. After all, how can someone really love us if they don't know who we really are?

Full disclosure is a leap of faith. Showing the world who you are, imperfections and all, is a scary thing. We don't know how others are going to react and more often than not, we project that they will meet our confessions with rejection. So rather than sharing who we are, we continue to hide behind our social mask, hoping that we can maintain the persona that we have created, all the while feeling alone.

When we fail to let people know us, we live our lives feeling isolated. If no one knows the "real you," how can they fully love and accept you? This becomes a vicious cycle: you don't feel accepted, so you hide more of who you are, retreating behind your social veneer farther and farther until you feel completely alienated. What you don't realize is that you are doing it to yourself!

Meaningful relationships are built on trust and acceptance. If you do not have trust in the people around you to accept who you really are, then perhaps you are hanging out with the wrong people. People instinctively want to connect with others- it's how we're wired. We all want to feel part of something bigger than ourselves, part of a larger group. We want to belong. However in order for that to happen, we must have faith that those around us will love us, blemishes and all.

Everyone has their issues. No one is perfect, and no one expects you to be perfect either. Perfection is a myth- an unattainable goal. Besides, the idea of perfection is subjective anyway- one person's "perfect" may be another person's crap! The best anyone can strive for is to try to live their lives being true to themselves.

Confidence and great relationships are based on being honest with yourself and honest with others. People are not always going to agree with your opinions, and that's OK. You're also going to occasionally say or do things that people don't like or don't agree with, and that's OK too. But at least you will know who you are and others will know you too.

If you really want to gain confidence and have meaningful relationships, start practicing full disclosure. Show people who you really are. Talk to them about your experiences, both good and bad. Share what you have learned in this life so far. Sharing yourself with others creates confidence and bonds you with the people in your life. The people that love you are going to accept that you are not perfect. When people share who they are, they learn from one another and create a sense of community.

We have to remember that in order to create a meaningful existence, we need to connect with others. Without full disclosure, there is no connection. If you want to make an impact, be true to yourself and honest with others. You are unique and beautiful. People will accept you. Strong relationships will develop and your confidence will increase. Being honest about who you are will enhance every aspect of your life. So what are you waiting for? Get out there and show the world the real you!

Finding Happiness

How often have you heard people say "If only I had (fill in the blank: more money/a better job/a different partner), I would be happy?" It is as if they believe that by changing a circumstance, all of their problems will be solved. Now I don't deny that sometimes circumstances do need to change for a person to live their best life, however the point that I am trying to make here is that if a person is constantly looking to "find happiness" outside of themselves, they will always wind up being disappointed.

Happiness is not a destination, it is a state of mind. Searching for happiness is a futile endeavor; being happy is not.

Isn't that great news? We don't have to rely on any other source than ourselves to be happy. All we have to do is choose it!

I know that some of you may be thinking that it is easier said than done, but it really is that simple. Here's a couple of tips:

Stop upsetting yourself. Sometimes your imagination can be your own worst enemy. We often get stuck in a rut obsessing about problems. We rerun conflicts through our mind on a continuous loop, playing out a zillion different scenarios of what what we should have said or done differently. Sometimes we even create our own drama by making up conflicts that don't even exist. It's like we're writing a screenplay for a very bad soap opera. Stop it already! This kind of thinking is not good for your state of mind. It creates a lot of anxiety and keeps you focused on the past. When you catch yourself engaging in that sort of thought process, refocus on something else. Interrupt your negative thoughts and substitute something more positive and forward thinking. Worry and negative obsessing about an unpleasant circumstance will only bring you down.

Stop thinking about what you don't have. Seriously. We have gotten to the point in our society that we have lost our grip on reality. Consumerism and pop culture have created such a void in our psyches that we have all but forgotten that we are more fortunate than most of the people in this world. Even if you have suffered major setbacks: job loss, illness or loss of a loved one, there are many others that are worse off than you. Life is sometimes hard and often messy. It's just the way it is. The good news is that with pain comes purpose. The bad stuff that comes your way is kind of like having a fracture: we get stronger in the broken places. Start practicing downward comparison. I recently went through a bit of an emotional rough patch and was feeling pretty blue. When I opened my eyes to those around me and heard what they were going through, I realized that I was incredibly fortunate by comparison. Oh sure, I could always compare myself to someone that is smarter/richer/prettier than me, but that's just going to make me feel bad. A much more effective thought process is to compare myself to those less fortunate; it makes me grateful for what I have rather than thinking about what I lack. Gratitude is a gift that you give yourself.

Act like a child. No, I'm not saying to be egocentric and throw temper tantrums when you don't get your way. I'm saying that we should never lose our sense of curiosity, joy and laughter. Remember what it was like when you didn't worry about what others thought of you and you weren't trying to fit yourself into a model of what society wanted you to be? Remember when you were free to act silly and laugh at yourself? As adults, we take ourselves way too seriously; we have all but lost our sense of humor when it comes to ourselves. We've forgotten that joy can be found in the smallest things: the graceful way an autumn leaf falls to the ground, the smell of freshly mowed grass, the warmth of the sun on our faces. We get too busy in our lives to notice all of the magic around us. We forget how to play. Think back on the simple pleasures you enjoyed as a child: climbing a tree, rolling down a hill, swinging high on a swing. Remember how good all of those things made you feel? Embrace your creative and childlike spirit. Try new things and go new places. Get out of your routine and just go explore life as if it were a wonderful scavenger hunt. Laugh at yourself and surround yourself with people that you love. Talk to your friends about ideas rather than just problems. You'll be amazed at the way it can change your relationships and your focus.

Life is a journey. The end result will be the same for all of us. None of us are getting out of this alive, so we might as well try to enjoy the process as much as possible. Stop waiting for something/someone to come along to make you happy. It's not going to happen. Happiness is an emotional state, not a destination or end result of a circumstance. I think that's pretty good news, since my state of mind is about the only thing I have control of in this crazy world.