To tell the truth, nothing but the truth, so help me God.
Truth telling seems to be lost on many of us. Society teaches us that sometimes it is better (easier) to tell "little white lies" as opposed to being honest about what we want or how we feel. As children we often learn that there are repercussions in telling the truth. So what is that really doing for our society and our relationships?
In his book , Loving Each Other, Leo Buscaglia states " Only the truth can help us feel secure. Only truth can bring us the necessary trust needed for long-lasting relationships. Only truth, painful though it may sometimes be, can create a safe environment of unity and growth." Without truth, our relationships are like a house of cards- not stable. Without honesty, there can be no trust, and without trust, there ultimately can be no relationship.
Unfortunately, there are many people that fear telling the truth. They are so paralyzed by the possibility of short-term repercussions that they fail to understand the long-term affects that lies have on a relationship. Often these people are so fearful of rejection they will say anything to avoid conflict. This avoidance of the truth only serves to create a chasm between the liar and the partner. Even though the partner may not be aware of the untruth, the lie erodes the relationship. The liar often (unless he or she is a Sociopath) experiences some anxiety in telling the lie. The liar now must also try to remember the fabrication in detail, so that he or she does not tell a different story the next time the issue comes up. The whole process becomes emotionally exhausting and ultimately takes its toll on a relationship. Relating and connecting become much more difficult because the energy that is expended in covering one's tracks depletes what emotional energy one has to give to the relationship.
Some would say that there are different degrees of lying, ranging from "little white lies" to "pants on fire" lies. The little white lie is often used to avoid hurting someone's feelings, and some would say that they are necessary to live in polite society. But really, couldn't we just be honest and work on our delivery so that the truths that we tell are not hurtful? If relationships are built on trust, we must be honest with one another. Sensitivity and truth-telling can go hand in hand if we take the time to think about how the people in our lives will respond to our message. The bottom line is that if we ever expect to have deep relationships, we must be able to express what we think and how we feel without fear of retribution. It takes a lot of confidence to be a truth teller, confidence that can only be built with practice.
So if you want to build deep, solid relationships, tell the people in your life how you feel. Be honest, even when it seems difficult. More often than not, you will find that the people in your life respect you much more for being honest with them. Sure, a little diplomacy never hurts. Just remember, if you want to build strong bonds with people and earn their trust, you cannot stretch or omit the truth. No one will ever be able to be close to someone that has their pants on fire.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Burying the Dead
“They build a cemetery right across the street from your house!” exclaimed my friend Jen.
Part of me thought that it was a little creepy having a cemetery so close, after all, I’d seen every horror flick made between 1964 and 1980, thanks to a mother with a fascination with the macabre. Images of flesh-eating zombies danced in my head as Jen continued filling me in on the recent zoning changes in my neighborhood. How am I going to sleep? I wondered to myself. All I could think about were the nightmares that I was likely to have from here on out. “I don’t know if I’m going to be able to live that close to a cemetery,” I told Jen.
“But it’s really beautiful,” replied Jen, “You’ll see.”
What’s that going to feel like? I wondered for myself. I instinctively felt an aversion to having the dead so close to me. As we rounded the corner, what came into view was not a scene out of one of my mother’s movies, but rather an image of peace, tranquility and rest. A long pergola with flowering branches graced the entrance. There were no headstones, just grand expanses of lush, green grass. The air was fresh, and I could hear birds singing and children laughing. I felt content. And then I woke up.
Curious dream, I thought to myself. The emotions that it evoked were so strong, the images so clear.
Later that day, I participated in a Yoga Nidra workshop. If you’re not familiar with Yoga Nidra, think relaxation poses combined with hypnotherapy and you’ll have the idea. I’d been having trouble sleeping since the awful breakup of my last relationship, and I knew that I had to develop a healthy way to get a good night’s sleep, so I’d signed up for the class. The heading on the flyer said “Sleep Like a Baby with Yoga Nidra.” Well, I was already sleeping like a baby (waking up every two hours!), but I was pretty sure that was not what they meant.
When I walked into the workshop, I was surprised to find about 60 other insomniacs already camped out around the room. Bolsters and blankets were stacked around all of the participants- the essentials for human nest-making in the world of yoga.
Lisa, our guide in this journey, led us through some gentle yoga poses before settling us into Savasana, (also known as Corpse Pose). Eyes closed, body relaxed, mind quiet. I listened to Lisa’s voice, following her instructions as she directed our attention to different parts of our bodies. As we settled into our trance-like states, I could hear participants around the room starting to snore. I would later joke with my friends about sleeping with 60 people in one afternoon.
I followed Lisa’s voice as she then called out images to the group, “Golden Egg, Pyramid, Eagle…” Pictures flashed through my mind with little consequence or emotional reaction. “Dancing Shiva, Om, Mandala…” she continued. “Dead Body…”
Whoa! I felt my whole spiritual body lurch back in aversion to that one! The image hit my unconscious in a way that I had never felt before. It was unsettling, and I found myself a little disturbed that she threw something so repulsive in amongst all those other pleasant images that she was suggesting. My emotional reaction was so great that it stuck with me. Why did my spiritual body/unconscious react in such a violent way?
As Lisa closed the session, she asked if any of us experienced any kind of physical/emotional reactions to any of the images. She explained that if we felt any strong sensations, it was because our spirits needed to release a fear, desire or old wound. She was asked by one of the other participants why she threw in “dead body” amongst all of those other benign images. She explained that all the images were archetypes or parts of the collective unconscious. She said that most Americans fear death, but that death is a natural part of the life cycle; that we must accept death as inevitable, and understand that our peace with its concept will help us fully embrace our lives. She continued by explaining that any kind of strong sensation that we experienced to any of the images was our subconscious releasing spiritual pain.
After the workshop, I felt an odd sense of peace, in fact I felt a sense of contentment that I hadn’t felt in over a year. My long term angst had everything to do with the dissolution of my last relationship. That breakup had been the ultimate betrayal and heartbreak, leaving me wondering if I could/would ever be able to love and trust again. For a while after I had kicked that man out of my life, I found myself still wanting him on some level. To stop that pattern, I started my own little practice of aversion therapy. Whenever I found myself missing him or thinking that he was good (which he clearly was not), I would picture him as a maggot-ridden, rotting corpse. I know, it sounds gross, but it definitely stops any thoughts of desire dead in their tracks! I pictured the smell, the decay and all of the worst images of death. No one wants to snuggle up with a corpse, the only practical thing to do with the dead is to bury it.
You see, hanging on to lost love, or a fantasy of reuniting with someone that is clearly bad for you is kind of like clinging to the dead. If you can’t let go, you can never be open to what life can offer you in love. If you’ve ever read Faulkner’s short story A Rose for Emily, you’ll know what I mean. Clinging to a corpse keeps you stuck. In order to move forward, you must bury the dead once and for all.
So it all came together in my unconscious that day: the cemetary in my dream, the release in the Yoga Nidra workshop and my own images of a love that had died. My unconscious had finally thrown that last shovel of dirt on the corpse, putting it where it belonged, in its final resting place. I was now free, no longer haunted by unresolved issues: the flesh-eating zombies of the unconscious. I had buried my dead and was now able to fully embrace my life.
Part of me thought that it was a little creepy having a cemetery so close, after all, I’d seen every horror flick made between 1964 and 1980, thanks to a mother with a fascination with the macabre. Images of flesh-eating zombies danced in my head as Jen continued filling me in on the recent zoning changes in my neighborhood. How am I going to sleep? I wondered to myself. All I could think about were the nightmares that I was likely to have from here on out. “I don’t know if I’m going to be able to live that close to a cemetery,” I told Jen.
“But it’s really beautiful,” replied Jen, “You’ll see.”
What’s that going to feel like? I wondered for myself. I instinctively felt an aversion to having the dead so close to me. As we rounded the corner, what came into view was not a scene out of one of my mother’s movies, but rather an image of peace, tranquility and rest. A long pergola with flowering branches graced the entrance. There were no headstones, just grand expanses of lush, green grass. The air was fresh, and I could hear birds singing and children laughing. I felt content. And then I woke up.
Curious dream, I thought to myself. The emotions that it evoked were so strong, the images so clear.
Later that day, I participated in a Yoga Nidra workshop. If you’re not familiar with Yoga Nidra, think relaxation poses combined with hypnotherapy and you’ll have the idea. I’d been having trouble sleeping since the awful breakup of my last relationship, and I knew that I had to develop a healthy way to get a good night’s sleep, so I’d signed up for the class. The heading on the flyer said “Sleep Like a Baby with Yoga Nidra.” Well, I was already sleeping like a baby (waking up every two hours!), but I was pretty sure that was not what they meant.
When I walked into the workshop, I was surprised to find about 60 other insomniacs already camped out around the room. Bolsters and blankets were stacked around all of the participants- the essentials for human nest-making in the world of yoga.
Lisa, our guide in this journey, led us through some gentle yoga poses before settling us into Savasana, (also known as Corpse Pose). Eyes closed, body relaxed, mind quiet. I listened to Lisa’s voice, following her instructions as she directed our attention to different parts of our bodies. As we settled into our trance-like states, I could hear participants around the room starting to snore. I would later joke with my friends about sleeping with 60 people in one afternoon.
I followed Lisa’s voice as she then called out images to the group, “Golden Egg, Pyramid, Eagle…” Pictures flashed through my mind with little consequence or emotional reaction. “Dancing Shiva, Om, Mandala…” she continued. “Dead Body…”
Whoa! I felt my whole spiritual body lurch back in aversion to that one! The image hit my unconscious in a way that I had never felt before. It was unsettling, and I found myself a little disturbed that she threw something so repulsive in amongst all those other pleasant images that she was suggesting. My emotional reaction was so great that it stuck with me. Why did my spiritual body/unconscious react in such a violent way?
As Lisa closed the session, she asked if any of us experienced any kind of physical/emotional reactions to any of the images. She explained that if we felt any strong sensations, it was because our spirits needed to release a fear, desire or old wound. She was asked by one of the other participants why she threw in “dead body” amongst all of those other benign images. She explained that all the images were archetypes or parts of the collective unconscious. She said that most Americans fear death, but that death is a natural part of the life cycle; that we must accept death as inevitable, and understand that our peace with its concept will help us fully embrace our lives. She continued by explaining that any kind of strong sensation that we experienced to any of the images was our subconscious releasing spiritual pain.
After the workshop, I felt an odd sense of peace, in fact I felt a sense of contentment that I hadn’t felt in over a year. My long term angst had everything to do with the dissolution of my last relationship. That breakup had been the ultimate betrayal and heartbreak, leaving me wondering if I could/would ever be able to love and trust again. For a while after I had kicked that man out of my life, I found myself still wanting him on some level. To stop that pattern, I started my own little practice of aversion therapy. Whenever I found myself missing him or thinking that he was good (which he clearly was not), I would picture him as a maggot-ridden, rotting corpse. I know, it sounds gross, but it definitely stops any thoughts of desire dead in their tracks! I pictured the smell, the decay and all of the worst images of death. No one wants to snuggle up with a corpse, the only practical thing to do with the dead is to bury it.
You see, hanging on to lost love, or a fantasy of reuniting with someone that is clearly bad for you is kind of like clinging to the dead. If you can’t let go, you can never be open to what life can offer you in love. If you’ve ever read Faulkner’s short story A Rose for Emily, you’ll know what I mean. Clinging to a corpse keeps you stuck. In order to move forward, you must bury the dead once and for all.
So it all came together in my unconscious that day: the cemetary in my dream, the release in the Yoga Nidra workshop and my own images of a love that had died. My unconscious had finally thrown that last shovel of dirt on the corpse, putting it where it belonged, in its final resting place. I was now free, no longer haunted by unresolved issues: the flesh-eating zombies of the unconscious. I had buried my dead and was now able to fully embrace my life.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Full Disclosure
To tell, or not to tell? That is the question.
As much as we may try to convince ourselves otherwise, we all want to be loved and accepted by others. We want people to think highly of us and not judge us for our imperfections. To avoid rejection, we often keep parts of ourselves hidden from the very people that we want to be closest to. We don't express our hopes and fears, nor do we share the mistakes that we have made in the past. Unfortunately, this only leaves us feeling isolated and doubting our self worth. After all, how can someone really love us if they don't know who we really are?
Full disclosure is a leap of faith. Showing the world who you are, imperfections and all, is a scary thing. We don't know how others are going to react and more often than not, we project that they will meet our confessions with rejection. So rather than sharing who we are, we continue to hide behind our social mask, hoping that we can maintain the persona that we have created, all the while feeling alone.
When we fail to let people know us, we live our lives feeling isolated. If no one knows the "real you," how can they fully love and accept you? This becomes a vicious cycle: you don't feel accepted, so you hide more of who you are, retreating behind your social veneer farther and farther until you feel completely alienated. What you don't realize is that you are doing it to yourself!
Meaningful relationships are built on trust and acceptance. If you do not have trust in the people around you to accept who you really are, then perhaps you are hanging out with the wrong people. People instinctively want to connect with others- it's how we're wired. We all want to feel part of something bigger than ourselves, part of a larger group. We want to belong. However in order for that to happen, we must have faith that those around us will love us, blemishes and all.
Everyone has their issues. No one is perfect, and no one expects you to be perfect either. Perfection is a myth- an unattainable goal. Besides, the idea of perfection is subjective anyway- one person's "perfect" may be another person's crap! The best anyone can strive for is to try to live their lives being true to themselves.
Confidence and great relationships are based on being honest with yourself and honest with others. People are not always going to agree with your opinions, and that's OK. You're also going to occasionally say or do things that people don't like or don't agree with, and that's OK too. But at least you will know who you are and others will know you too.
If you really want to gain confidence and have meaningful relationships, start practicing full disclosure. Show people who you really are. Talk to them about your experiences, both good and bad. Share what you have learned in this life so far. Sharing yourself with others creates confidence and bonds you with the people in your life. The people that love you are going to accept that you are not perfect. When people share who they are, they learn from one another and create a sense of community.
We have to remember that in order to create a meaningful existence, we need to connect with others. Without full disclosure, there is no connection. If you want to make an impact, be true to yourself and honest with others. You are unique and beautiful. People will accept you. Strong relationships will develop and your confidence will increase. Being honest about who you are will enhance every aspect of your life. So what are you waiting for? Get out there and show the world the real you!
As much as we may try to convince ourselves otherwise, we all want to be loved and accepted by others. We want people to think highly of us and not judge us for our imperfections. To avoid rejection, we often keep parts of ourselves hidden from the very people that we want to be closest to. We don't express our hopes and fears, nor do we share the mistakes that we have made in the past. Unfortunately, this only leaves us feeling isolated and doubting our self worth. After all, how can someone really love us if they don't know who we really are?
Full disclosure is a leap of faith. Showing the world who you are, imperfections and all, is a scary thing. We don't know how others are going to react and more often than not, we project that they will meet our confessions with rejection. So rather than sharing who we are, we continue to hide behind our social mask, hoping that we can maintain the persona that we have created, all the while feeling alone.
When we fail to let people know us, we live our lives feeling isolated. If no one knows the "real you," how can they fully love and accept you? This becomes a vicious cycle: you don't feel accepted, so you hide more of who you are, retreating behind your social veneer farther and farther until you feel completely alienated. What you don't realize is that you are doing it to yourself!
Meaningful relationships are built on trust and acceptance. If you do not have trust in the people around you to accept who you really are, then perhaps you are hanging out with the wrong people. People instinctively want to connect with others- it's how we're wired. We all want to feel part of something bigger than ourselves, part of a larger group. We want to belong. However in order for that to happen, we must have faith that those around us will love us, blemishes and all.
Everyone has their issues. No one is perfect, and no one expects you to be perfect either. Perfection is a myth- an unattainable goal. Besides, the idea of perfection is subjective anyway- one person's "perfect" may be another person's crap! The best anyone can strive for is to try to live their lives being true to themselves.
Confidence and great relationships are based on being honest with yourself and honest with others. People are not always going to agree with your opinions, and that's OK. You're also going to occasionally say or do things that people don't like or don't agree with, and that's OK too. But at least you will know who you are and others will know you too.
If you really want to gain confidence and have meaningful relationships, start practicing full disclosure. Show people who you really are. Talk to them about your experiences, both good and bad. Share what you have learned in this life so far. Sharing yourself with others creates confidence and bonds you with the people in your life. The people that love you are going to accept that you are not perfect. When people share who they are, they learn from one another and create a sense of community.
We have to remember that in order to create a meaningful existence, we need to connect with others. Without full disclosure, there is no connection. If you want to make an impact, be true to yourself and honest with others. You are unique and beautiful. People will accept you. Strong relationships will develop and your confidence will increase. Being honest about who you are will enhance every aspect of your life. So what are you waiting for? Get out there and show the world the real you!
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Finding Happiness
How often have you heard people say "If only I had (fill in the blank: more money/a better job/a different partner), I would be happy?" It is as if they believe that by changing a circumstance, all of their problems will be solved. Now I don't deny that sometimes circumstances do need to change for a person to live their best life, however the point that I am trying to make here is that if a person is constantly looking to "find happiness" outside of themselves, they will always wind up being disappointed.
Happiness is not a destination, it is a state of mind. Searching for happiness is a futile endeavor; being happy is not.
Isn't that great news? We don't have to rely on any other source than ourselves to be happy. All we have to do is choose it!
I know that some of you may be thinking that it is easier said than done, but it really is that simple. Here's a couple of tips:
Stop upsetting yourself. Sometimes your imagination can be your own worst enemy. We often get stuck in a rut obsessing about problems. We rerun conflicts through our mind on a continuous loop, playing out a zillion different scenarios of what what we should have said or done differently. Sometimes we even create our own drama by making up conflicts that don't even exist. It's like we're writing a screenplay for a very bad soap opera. Stop it already! This kind of thinking is not good for your state of mind. It creates a lot of anxiety and keeps you focused on the past. When you catch yourself engaging in that sort of thought process, refocus on something else. Interrupt your negative thoughts and substitute something more positive and forward thinking. Worry and negative obsessing about an unpleasant circumstance will only bring you down.
Stop thinking about what you don't have. Seriously. We have gotten to the point in our society that we have lost our grip on reality. Consumerism and pop culture have created such a void in our psyches that we have all but forgotten that we are more fortunate than most of the people in this world. Even if you have suffered major setbacks: job loss, illness or loss of a loved one, there are many others that are worse off than you. Life is sometimes hard and often messy. It's just the way it is. The good news is that with pain comes purpose. The bad stuff that comes your way is kind of like having a fracture: we get stronger in the broken places. Start practicing downward comparison. I recently went through a bit of an emotional rough patch and was feeling pretty blue. When I opened my eyes to those around me and heard what they were going through, I realized that I was incredibly fortunate by comparison. Oh sure, I could always compare myself to someone that is smarter/richer/prettier than me, but that's just going to make me feel bad. A much more effective thought process is to compare myself to those less fortunate; it makes me grateful for what I have rather than thinking about what I lack. Gratitude is a gift that you give yourself.
Act like a child. No, I'm not saying to be egocentric and throw temper tantrums when you don't get your way. I'm saying that we should never lose our sense of curiosity, joy and laughter. Remember what it was like when you didn't worry about what others thought of you and you weren't trying to fit yourself into a model of what society wanted you to be? Remember when you were free to act silly and laugh at yourself? As adults, we take ourselves way too seriously; we have all but lost our sense of humor when it comes to ourselves. We've forgotten that joy can be found in the smallest things: the graceful way an autumn leaf falls to the ground, the smell of freshly mowed grass, the warmth of the sun on our faces. We get too busy in our lives to notice all of the magic around us. We forget how to play. Think back on the simple pleasures you enjoyed as a child: climbing a tree, rolling down a hill, swinging high on a swing. Remember how good all of those things made you feel? Embrace your creative and childlike spirit. Try new things and go new places. Get out of your routine and just go explore life as if it were a wonderful scavenger hunt. Laugh at yourself and surround yourself with people that you love. Talk to your friends about ideas rather than just problems. You'll be amazed at the way it can change your relationships and your focus.
Life is a journey. The end result will be the same for all of us. None of us are getting out of this alive, so we might as well try to enjoy the process as much as possible. Stop waiting for something/someone to come along to make you happy. It's not going to happen. Happiness is an emotional state, not a destination or end result of a circumstance. I think that's pretty good news, since my state of mind is about the only thing I have control of in this crazy world.
Happiness is not a destination, it is a state of mind. Searching for happiness is a futile endeavor; being happy is not.
Isn't that great news? We don't have to rely on any other source than ourselves to be happy. All we have to do is choose it!
I know that some of you may be thinking that it is easier said than done, but it really is that simple. Here's a couple of tips:
Stop upsetting yourself. Sometimes your imagination can be your own worst enemy. We often get stuck in a rut obsessing about problems. We rerun conflicts through our mind on a continuous loop, playing out a zillion different scenarios of what what we should have said or done differently. Sometimes we even create our own drama by making up conflicts that don't even exist. It's like we're writing a screenplay for a very bad soap opera. Stop it already! This kind of thinking is not good for your state of mind. It creates a lot of anxiety and keeps you focused on the past. When you catch yourself engaging in that sort of thought process, refocus on something else. Interrupt your negative thoughts and substitute something more positive and forward thinking. Worry and negative obsessing about an unpleasant circumstance will only bring you down.
Stop thinking about what you don't have. Seriously. We have gotten to the point in our society that we have lost our grip on reality. Consumerism and pop culture have created such a void in our psyches that we have all but forgotten that we are more fortunate than most of the people in this world. Even if you have suffered major setbacks: job loss, illness or loss of a loved one, there are many others that are worse off than you. Life is sometimes hard and often messy. It's just the way it is. The good news is that with pain comes purpose. The bad stuff that comes your way is kind of like having a fracture: we get stronger in the broken places. Start practicing downward comparison. I recently went through a bit of an emotional rough patch and was feeling pretty blue. When I opened my eyes to those around me and heard what they were going through, I realized that I was incredibly fortunate by comparison. Oh sure, I could always compare myself to someone that is smarter/richer/prettier than me, but that's just going to make me feel bad. A much more effective thought process is to compare myself to those less fortunate; it makes me grateful for what I have rather than thinking about what I lack. Gratitude is a gift that you give yourself.
Act like a child. No, I'm not saying to be egocentric and throw temper tantrums when you don't get your way. I'm saying that we should never lose our sense of curiosity, joy and laughter. Remember what it was like when you didn't worry about what others thought of you and you weren't trying to fit yourself into a model of what society wanted you to be? Remember when you were free to act silly and laugh at yourself? As adults, we take ourselves way too seriously; we have all but lost our sense of humor when it comes to ourselves. We've forgotten that joy can be found in the smallest things: the graceful way an autumn leaf falls to the ground, the smell of freshly mowed grass, the warmth of the sun on our faces. We get too busy in our lives to notice all of the magic around us. We forget how to play. Think back on the simple pleasures you enjoyed as a child: climbing a tree, rolling down a hill, swinging high on a swing. Remember how good all of those things made you feel? Embrace your creative and childlike spirit. Try new things and go new places. Get out of your routine and just go explore life as if it were a wonderful scavenger hunt. Laugh at yourself and surround yourself with people that you love. Talk to your friends about ideas rather than just problems. You'll be amazed at the way it can change your relationships and your focus.
Life is a journey. The end result will be the same for all of us. None of us are getting out of this alive, so we might as well try to enjoy the process as much as possible. Stop waiting for something/someone to come along to make you happy. It's not going to happen. Happiness is an emotional state, not a destination or end result of a circumstance. I think that's pretty good news, since my state of mind is about the only thing I have control of in this crazy world.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Daddy's Little Girl
It’s Thanksgiving. A small, group is gathered around the table: a divorced, middle-aged man, his daughter, son-in-law and son. The evening seems to be going well in spite of the man’s recent loss of his long-term girlfriend and business. It’s the first year in a long time that he has really felt alone. He’s currently homeless, but spending a lot of time visiting relatives so he usually has a roof over his head. He’s in an odd place emotionally, but feels he’s finally on the right track because now he’s found Jesus. He’s never developed deep relationships because he has never felt safe or secure enough to let people in, but since Jesus saved him, he’s really trying to stop being so emotionally retarded. He’s finally trying to reconnect with his family in a more meaningful way.
So imagine his surprise when his daughter, after consuming a few glasses of wine, expresses to him that she does not believe that he is her biological father. He already feels alienated from most of the people in his life, and now this? Happy Friggin’ Thanksgiving! When she makes this announcement, he feels the bile rise into his throat. Everyone at the table is stunned, silent, and all eyes are on him, waiting for his reaction. He just sits there for what seems like an eternity, trying to process what was just said.
He flashes back to 30 years ago. He was a sixteen year old kid, in boarding school. Not just any boarding school, but a Fundamentalist Christian boarding school. His parents had found Jesus (just why Jesus needs to be constantly ‘found’ is a mystery to me, but anyway), they were insuring that their Number One Son was kept away from all things secular. The best thing about this boarding school was that it also kept him far away from the girl that he had been seeing- a flirty girl that seemed to know her way around the boys. Yes, the best thing for him would be to be far away, so he could focus on Jesus.
The funny thing is, Jesus has a hard time competing with hormones, especially those raging inside a teen-aged boy. Even though 30 miles now separated him from this girl and he didn’t have a car, he would find a way to see her, touch her and eventually sleep with her. It wasn’t as difficult as it could have been, since when he got there, they had total freedom. You see, she was older and had her own apartment. She could have anyone over that she wanted, and of course, his parents would never know. After all, they thought he was practicing his devotionals in the school's chapel.
She was a smart girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Her parents had also found Jesus and were heavily involved in the church. When you grow up in a small town, much of your social status is dependent on the church that you attend. Her family had strategically placed themselves in the church that had attracted the naïve wealthy, so that they could pretend to be part of a more affluent group than which they really belonged.
He was athletic yet awkward and painfully shy around girls. She was popular and effervescent. She could prod him out of his shell, which initially pleased his parents, since they were aware that their son was socially stunted. He had never really fit in at school. He struggled academically and had flunked second grade. Back in those days, being held back a grade made you a social pariah. Since he was born in January, he was already older than most of his classmates, so when he was held back a year, he was physically developed way beyond his peers. Growing up, the last thing you want is to be different, but he stood out like a goose amongst a flock of ducks.
The only thing that gave him any amount of confidence was his athletic ability. Being so much bigger and faster than the other kids gave him a competitive advantage. So that’s how he found his only confidence- in athletics. He became a local track star, breaking school records. He would never be able to get into a college with his grades, but just maybe he could get in with an athletic scholarship. After all, the professors just give their star athletes passing grades so that they could continue to compete in the athletic programs. That’s where the schools get most of their revenue anyway. So his parents could relax in knowing that their son could make something of himself after all.
The girl recognized that this boy may be her ticket out of her small life in this small town. He came from a great family- his father was the president of both the bank and the country club. They hosted the most fabulous parties in town, had a house on snob hill and one of the only swimming pools within a 200 mile radius. He was good looking, but lacked awareness of the fact, and because he was so naive, he was easy to manipulate.
She was popular with the boys. She knew how to toy with them and make them want her. She played the game well, telling each of them what they wanted to hear and giving them what she thought they would respond to. She knew this boy was a virgin, so she played that part with him too. Pretending to be inexperienced, she made him feel like they were experiencing sex for the first time together, when in reality; it was the farthest thing from the truth.
On the day that he was running in the State Finals, she approached him, presumably to wish him luck. He’s busy warming up for the race, but he turns to her, confident that he is about to win and make her proud of him. But instead of wishing him luck, she tells him that she is pregnant. The blood rushes from his face and he suddenly feels the world spinning out of control around him. The referee announces the start of the race and the runners take their places. She returns to the stands.
The starting gun goes off and he tears off down the track, running from the news that he’s just been given. Never before has he been so scared or so motivated to run. Run far and run fast is what his mind is screaming. He is not even aware that he is competing in a race: he is running for his life. He wins the race, breaking the state record while she has just broken his hopes and dreams for a future.
Both sets of parents are furious. In their world, adoption is the only option, and these kids are banned from seeing each other ever again. She will be sent away to stay with a relative while “in her condition,” and he will go back to boarding school where he can concentrate on being a better Christian. So it’s settled.
It’s settled for everyone but him. As the baby continues to grow inside of her, a feeling inside of him also grows: the feeling that he needs to become a man. The thought of his child being out in the world with strangers gnaws at him until he feels sick. He doesn’t know what it is to be a man, let alone a father, but he believes that it is the right thing to do. So he meets her at the Laundromat one Saturday afternoon and asks her to marry him.
She cries in relief. She doesn’t want to give up her baby either. She wants a good life, with a good husband from a good family. She projects into the future: he can get a good job at the Bank; she can have a lovely home, family and social life. She just knows that once they are married, his parents will embrace her and grace them with their generosity. It’s going to be perfect! And what no one else knows will ever hurt them.
Except it doesn’t go that way. His parents are not supportive of their decision to marry. The cut him off from any financial help and he is forced to drop out of high school in his Junior Year and get a manual job at the paper mill. It is back-breaking, mind-numbing work, but all he is qualified for. She has the baby, a beautiful little girl.
The room begins to come back into focus. Yes, it’s Thanksgiving. “What makes you think that I’m not your biological father?” he asks. This young woman that he has always thought of as “his little girl” lists a myriad of reasons. All of these make sense to him and he begins to question his paternity himself. She does not resemble him in appearance or personality. He remembers details about his ex-wife that leave many questions in his mind. Wasn’t he away for several weeks hiking during the time that she would have conceived “their” baby?
They agree to take a paternity test. He didn’t realize what an easy process it is to do physically- just a swab on the inside of your cheek. Not so easy emotionally though- especially since the results will not be known for over a week. He’s upset that he has agreed to go on a Mexican Riviera Cruise with a friend of his. He doesn’t want to go now, but he committed months ago and it’s already paid for. He can’t bail out of it now.
So days later, he sits on the deck of a cruise ship, trying to keep his mind on the book he is pretending to read as the bloated white bodies of tourists float around him in holiday glee. The churning of the vast sea around him is consistent with what is going on in his stomach, his head and his heart. Could he have been cheated out of the last 30 years of his life? Has his life been all about being a victim of circumstance and being duped? Or is he exactly where he should be at this given moment- having an existential crisis on the deck of a cruise ship? And most importantly, when the results of the test are received, will she still be Daddy’s Little Girl?
So imagine his surprise when his daughter, after consuming a few glasses of wine, expresses to him that she does not believe that he is her biological father. He already feels alienated from most of the people in his life, and now this? Happy Friggin’ Thanksgiving! When she makes this announcement, he feels the bile rise into his throat. Everyone at the table is stunned, silent, and all eyes are on him, waiting for his reaction. He just sits there for what seems like an eternity, trying to process what was just said.
He flashes back to 30 years ago. He was a sixteen year old kid, in boarding school. Not just any boarding school, but a Fundamentalist Christian boarding school. His parents had found Jesus (just why Jesus needs to be constantly ‘found’ is a mystery to me, but anyway), they were insuring that their Number One Son was kept away from all things secular. The best thing about this boarding school was that it also kept him far away from the girl that he had been seeing- a flirty girl that seemed to know her way around the boys. Yes, the best thing for him would be to be far away, so he could focus on Jesus.
The funny thing is, Jesus has a hard time competing with hormones, especially those raging inside a teen-aged boy. Even though 30 miles now separated him from this girl and he didn’t have a car, he would find a way to see her, touch her and eventually sleep with her. It wasn’t as difficult as it could have been, since when he got there, they had total freedom. You see, she was older and had her own apartment. She could have anyone over that she wanted, and of course, his parents would never know. After all, they thought he was practicing his devotionals in the school's chapel.
She was a smart girl from the wrong side of the tracks. Her parents had also found Jesus and were heavily involved in the church. When you grow up in a small town, much of your social status is dependent on the church that you attend. Her family had strategically placed themselves in the church that had attracted the naïve wealthy, so that they could pretend to be part of a more affluent group than which they really belonged.
He was athletic yet awkward and painfully shy around girls. She was popular and effervescent. She could prod him out of his shell, which initially pleased his parents, since they were aware that their son was socially stunted. He had never really fit in at school. He struggled academically and had flunked second grade. Back in those days, being held back a grade made you a social pariah. Since he was born in January, he was already older than most of his classmates, so when he was held back a year, he was physically developed way beyond his peers. Growing up, the last thing you want is to be different, but he stood out like a goose amongst a flock of ducks.
The only thing that gave him any amount of confidence was his athletic ability. Being so much bigger and faster than the other kids gave him a competitive advantage. So that’s how he found his only confidence- in athletics. He became a local track star, breaking school records. He would never be able to get into a college with his grades, but just maybe he could get in with an athletic scholarship. After all, the professors just give their star athletes passing grades so that they could continue to compete in the athletic programs. That’s where the schools get most of their revenue anyway. So his parents could relax in knowing that their son could make something of himself after all.
The girl recognized that this boy may be her ticket out of her small life in this small town. He came from a great family- his father was the president of both the bank and the country club. They hosted the most fabulous parties in town, had a house on snob hill and one of the only swimming pools within a 200 mile radius. He was good looking, but lacked awareness of the fact, and because he was so naive, he was easy to manipulate.
She was popular with the boys. She knew how to toy with them and make them want her. She played the game well, telling each of them what they wanted to hear and giving them what she thought they would respond to. She knew this boy was a virgin, so she played that part with him too. Pretending to be inexperienced, she made him feel like they were experiencing sex for the first time together, when in reality; it was the farthest thing from the truth.
On the day that he was running in the State Finals, she approached him, presumably to wish him luck. He’s busy warming up for the race, but he turns to her, confident that he is about to win and make her proud of him. But instead of wishing him luck, she tells him that she is pregnant. The blood rushes from his face and he suddenly feels the world spinning out of control around him. The referee announces the start of the race and the runners take their places. She returns to the stands.
The starting gun goes off and he tears off down the track, running from the news that he’s just been given. Never before has he been so scared or so motivated to run. Run far and run fast is what his mind is screaming. He is not even aware that he is competing in a race: he is running for his life. He wins the race, breaking the state record while she has just broken his hopes and dreams for a future.
Both sets of parents are furious. In their world, adoption is the only option, and these kids are banned from seeing each other ever again. She will be sent away to stay with a relative while “in her condition,” and he will go back to boarding school where he can concentrate on being a better Christian. So it’s settled.
It’s settled for everyone but him. As the baby continues to grow inside of her, a feeling inside of him also grows: the feeling that he needs to become a man. The thought of his child being out in the world with strangers gnaws at him until he feels sick. He doesn’t know what it is to be a man, let alone a father, but he believes that it is the right thing to do. So he meets her at the Laundromat one Saturday afternoon and asks her to marry him.
She cries in relief. She doesn’t want to give up her baby either. She wants a good life, with a good husband from a good family. She projects into the future: he can get a good job at the Bank; she can have a lovely home, family and social life. She just knows that once they are married, his parents will embrace her and grace them with their generosity. It’s going to be perfect! And what no one else knows will ever hurt them.
Except it doesn’t go that way. His parents are not supportive of their decision to marry. The cut him off from any financial help and he is forced to drop out of high school in his Junior Year and get a manual job at the paper mill. It is back-breaking, mind-numbing work, but all he is qualified for. She has the baby, a beautiful little girl.
The room begins to come back into focus. Yes, it’s Thanksgiving. “What makes you think that I’m not your biological father?” he asks. This young woman that he has always thought of as “his little girl” lists a myriad of reasons. All of these make sense to him and he begins to question his paternity himself. She does not resemble him in appearance or personality. He remembers details about his ex-wife that leave many questions in his mind. Wasn’t he away for several weeks hiking during the time that she would have conceived “their” baby?
They agree to take a paternity test. He didn’t realize what an easy process it is to do physically- just a swab on the inside of your cheek. Not so easy emotionally though- especially since the results will not be known for over a week. He’s upset that he has agreed to go on a Mexican Riviera Cruise with a friend of his. He doesn’t want to go now, but he committed months ago and it’s already paid for. He can’t bail out of it now.
So days later, he sits on the deck of a cruise ship, trying to keep his mind on the book he is pretending to read as the bloated white bodies of tourists float around him in holiday glee. The churning of the vast sea around him is consistent with what is going on in his stomach, his head and his heart. Could he have been cheated out of the last 30 years of his life? Has his life been all about being a victim of circumstance and being duped? Or is he exactly where he should be at this given moment- having an existential crisis on the deck of a cruise ship? And most importantly, when the results of the test are received, will she still be Daddy’s Little Girl?
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
You Never Know...
I was recently asked to describe a time in my life when a person said something to me or treated me in such a way that it made a positive difference in my life. What immediately came to mind was something that transpired many years ago. The event itself was not monumental, but the impact that it made on me forever changed my life.
The image that came to mind was an evening when my family was camping with a bunch of friends. I was probably six or seven. The evening and the event itself were insignificant in of themselves, but the feelings that I experienced that night and the event that followed, had an indelible impact on me.
Donald (my mom's friend's boyfriend) and I had walked from the campsite down to the water's edge. I don't remember if we were fishing or if he was playing the guitar or what we were doing. I don't even remember specifically what we were talking about. What I do remember was that he was speaking to me as if I mattered. He acknowledged that how I felt and what I thought were important. He paid attention to me (something my own parents rarely did) and he talked to me as if I was an adult. Like I said, I don't remember specifically what was said, but I remember the tone: introspective and philosophical. No adult had ever talked to me like that before. Heck, most of them still don't.
We must have sat at the water's edge under a starlit sky for hours, engaged in a dialog lost from my memory years ago. There seemed to be such a sensitivity about him, and he was the only adult that seemed to understand who I was. Before we walked back to camp, he said something to me in closing (again, I can't remember what it was)- words of encouragement of some kind. He then kissed me on my forehead and we headed back to the others sitting around the campfire. He seemed like an angel to me, and my heart overflowed with love for him.
A few months later when my mom was picking us up after work, I overheard her mention Donald to the babysitter. He had committed suicide by filling up the bathtub with water, climbing in and placing an electric radio in the tub with him. He took his own life.
I was shocked and deeply saddened that a man that I had felt so much love and admiration for had felt so isolated and uncared for that he would do such a thing. It's 40 years later and I still think of Donald and how he made me feel that night at the lake. He couldn't have known how much I thought of him, or the impact that he had on me that night. It hurts me to think that he never realized the lives that he touched, or the amount of love that others had for him.
We often get bogged down in the mire of our own self-doubts and lack of self worth. Despair is probably the most crippling of emotions. Hopefully that is not an emotion that often overcomes you, but if it ever does, please remember a couple of things: you have had a positive impact on many of the lives that you have touched and are loved more than you realize. You never know how much you matter to someone, even if it's just one little girl.
The image that came to mind was an evening when my family was camping with a bunch of friends. I was probably six or seven. The evening and the event itself were insignificant in of themselves, but the feelings that I experienced that night and the event that followed, had an indelible impact on me.
Donald (my mom's friend's boyfriend) and I had walked from the campsite down to the water's edge. I don't remember if we were fishing or if he was playing the guitar or what we were doing. I don't even remember specifically what we were talking about. What I do remember was that he was speaking to me as if I mattered. He acknowledged that how I felt and what I thought were important. He paid attention to me (something my own parents rarely did) and he talked to me as if I was an adult. Like I said, I don't remember specifically what was said, but I remember the tone: introspective and philosophical. No adult had ever talked to me like that before. Heck, most of them still don't.
We must have sat at the water's edge under a starlit sky for hours, engaged in a dialog lost from my memory years ago. There seemed to be such a sensitivity about him, and he was the only adult that seemed to understand who I was. Before we walked back to camp, he said something to me in closing (again, I can't remember what it was)- words of encouragement of some kind. He then kissed me on my forehead and we headed back to the others sitting around the campfire. He seemed like an angel to me, and my heart overflowed with love for him.
A few months later when my mom was picking us up after work, I overheard her mention Donald to the babysitter. He had committed suicide by filling up the bathtub with water, climbing in and placing an electric radio in the tub with him. He took his own life.
I was shocked and deeply saddened that a man that I had felt so much love and admiration for had felt so isolated and uncared for that he would do such a thing. It's 40 years later and I still think of Donald and how he made me feel that night at the lake. He couldn't have known how much I thought of him, or the impact that he had on me that night. It hurts me to think that he never realized the lives that he touched, or the amount of love that others had for him.
We often get bogged down in the mire of our own self-doubts and lack of self worth. Despair is probably the most crippling of emotions. Hopefully that is not an emotion that often overcomes you, but if it ever does, please remember a couple of things: you have had a positive impact on many of the lives that you have touched and are loved more than you realize. You never know how much you matter to someone, even if it's just one little girl.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Decisions, decisions....
There are times in our lives when we are truly at the crossroads- when we are forced to chose between two paths that are often heading in completely different directions. It can be a scary, paralyzing place to be, because most of us don't want to make the wrong choice. Some of us turn outward to help us decide: we rely on the advice of our trusted friends or family members. Others seek out spiritual guidance through prayer or meditation. And then there are those that turn to the Magic 8 Ball.
I love to get the opinions of those that I trust. Sometimes discussing options with others can bring about a new perspective to a situation. Other people can serve as a surface in which to bounce things off, and as a mirror, to reflect back to you your own hopes and dreams.
I take time to reflect on my choices. I listen with my body, and pay attention to the physical sensations that I get when I ponder each opportunity. Do I feel anxiety building in me when I think of either option, or do I feel a sense of peace? What happens to my breathing- does it become shallow and labored, or does it slow and deepen? The universe works through the physical body; I just need to be aware of what I am sensing.
I also try to consider whether I have multiple options- am I only deciding between two things, or might there be other avenues to consider? It's not that I want to complicate things more than they already are, it's just that I want to make sure that I'm not missing out on a better alternative.
I then ask myself which of my choices will help me grow the most in my quest to live a healthy, emotionally stable and meaningful life. Which of my choices will help me gain wisdom? What will the "emotional climate" be like with each of these options? Which of these paths will help nourish and encourage me most on my journey through life?
The universe presents opportunities for reasons often unknown to me at the time; doors are always opening and closing for all of us. What door just swung open? Are there obstacles in the way of either choice? Sometimes obstacles are put in the way as a deterrent, a sign that I'm on the wrong track. I'm not saying that I always take the easy way, however if things seem to be naturally falling into place, that is often an indication that I am headed in the right direction. If either option is met with a lot of resistance, it may mean that the universe does not intend for that to be my path.
Lastly, I remind myself that I need to live a life of no regrets (OK, maybe more like 'as few regrets as possible'). I try to look at my choices from the perspective of ten years from now. Will I always wonder what could have been? Will I hate myself for not taking a chance? Is there a way that I can do it all? I ask myself again what I want my life to look like- what is my heart's desire? And then I ask myself what, if anything (emotionally/physically), is holding me back or making me afraid to take the leap.
Decisions are often scary and complicated, but they are how we design our life. We all have to remember that no matter what, we have the ability to change course, backtrack or make adjustments in our lives in order to become our best selves. The path lies ahead, and it's important to keep moving forward. I try not to let fear paralyze me, and I always keep in mind, that if I'm still uncertain as to which road to take, there's always the Magic 8 Ball.
I love to get the opinions of those that I trust. Sometimes discussing options with others can bring about a new perspective to a situation. Other people can serve as a surface in which to bounce things off, and as a mirror, to reflect back to you your own hopes and dreams.
I take time to reflect on my choices. I listen with my body, and pay attention to the physical sensations that I get when I ponder each opportunity. Do I feel anxiety building in me when I think of either option, or do I feel a sense of peace? What happens to my breathing- does it become shallow and labored, or does it slow and deepen? The universe works through the physical body; I just need to be aware of what I am sensing.
I also try to consider whether I have multiple options- am I only deciding between two things, or might there be other avenues to consider? It's not that I want to complicate things more than they already are, it's just that I want to make sure that I'm not missing out on a better alternative.
I then ask myself which of my choices will help me grow the most in my quest to live a healthy, emotionally stable and meaningful life. Which of my choices will help me gain wisdom? What will the "emotional climate" be like with each of these options? Which of these paths will help nourish and encourage me most on my journey through life?
The universe presents opportunities for reasons often unknown to me at the time; doors are always opening and closing for all of us. What door just swung open? Are there obstacles in the way of either choice? Sometimes obstacles are put in the way as a deterrent, a sign that I'm on the wrong track. I'm not saying that I always take the easy way, however if things seem to be naturally falling into place, that is often an indication that I am headed in the right direction. If either option is met with a lot of resistance, it may mean that the universe does not intend for that to be my path.
Lastly, I remind myself that I need to live a life of no regrets (OK, maybe more like 'as few regrets as possible'). I try to look at my choices from the perspective of ten years from now. Will I always wonder what could have been? Will I hate myself for not taking a chance? Is there a way that I can do it all? I ask myself again what I want my life to look like- what is my heart's desire? And then I ask myself what, if anything (emotionally/physically), is holding me back or making me afraid to take the leap.
Decisions are often scary and complicated, but they are how we design our life. We all have to remember that no matter what, we have the ability to change course, backtrack or make adjustments in our lives in order to become our best selves. The path lies ahead, and it's important to keep moving forward. I try not to let fear paralyze me, and I always keep in mind, that if I'm still uncertain as to which road to take, there's always the Magic 8 Ball.
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