The Reluctant Prophet

Who am I to teach anyone anything?
I don't know- I guess that's what this journey is all about.
"God" says "who are you NOT to teach? You have been given a voice, a mind and many learning experiences that you are meant to share- not keep selfishly to yourself."
Yet I am afraid of my voice. I feel that I am not worthy.
And "God" says, " You are worthy because I have created you."

Dress Rehersal

How many times have you said to yourself "One of these days, I'm going to ..." or "As soon as I have enough (insert: time, money, experience or whatever) I'm going to ..."  We put off doing the things that we want to do for a more "opportune" time, only for that time to never come, but people-THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL!

We are born into this world with unlimited potential, only to squander most of it away. I know I am certainly guilty of this. I don't even want to know how many hours I waste each week on mindless pursuits such as Facebook, or watching something on television that does not really enhance my life. How much better would I play my guitar if I took that time back and put it towards practicing? Or maybe I'd actually be fluent in Spanish by now if I opened up Rosetta Stone on my iPad instead of logging on to Facebook? These are things that I say I want, and yet I find myself not putting in the effort on a daily basis because I "will get around to it later." But when IS later?

Time is the one resource that we have that is truly limited. Once an hour is gone, we will never get it back, so it is important that we become mindful of how we are spending it. Designing each day so that it moves us closer to our goals is the best way to do this. Start each day thinking about not only what you want to accomplish, but by also asking yourself WHO and WHAT you want to be. When you fantasize about your "ultimate life," what does that look like? Would you be in better shape? Would you be more focused and successful in your job? Then ask yourself what you are willing to commit to TODAY that will move you closer to that ideal.

We can waste most of our lives away by coasting through our existence. Yes, we get by, but are we living with passion? Are we being the best that we can be? Are we contributing to our world in meaningful ways? Let's make a promise to ourselves right now that we will stop wasting our precious time and start living life to its fullest! Our time on this earth is not infinite, so let's not waste anymore of it- it's curtain time!

Two by Two

Hey Singletons, do you ever feel like the loan unicorn on Noah's Ark? (Why do you think they don't exist anymore?...) It's true that we kind of live in a Two by Two world, but what I don't get is why so many people are afraid to NOT be part of a couple. Don't get me wrong, being in a fabulous relationship is great- there's nothing like being with someone that totally gets you, adores you with all your quirks, and always has your back- I'm talking about compromising your values and what you want out of your life just so you don't have to be alone. There seems to be a chronic fear of being single and I'm not sure that I understand it fully.

I'm single, and have been for years. I love the idea of love and companionship AND I also LOVE my life! I am not afraid to go to parties and events alone, in fact I often prefer it- it allows me to connect with others and not feel like I have to appease anyone else. I don't have to babysit anyone, and I am free to just be a social butterfly if that's what I want to do. I don't have to give up going somewhere because my "partner" doesn't want to go, and I get to explore my own interests without any hindrances. I love my own company just as much as I enjoy the company of others. What I appreciate the most is being able to be spontaneous. I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want with whomever I want. There's something to be said for that kind of freedom. Is it selfish? I don't think so- I think it's life affirming.

The downside of being single in a couple's world is evident though- Single travelers often have to pay a "single supplement," and seating arrangements always seem to be set up for even numbers. What I think is most difficult though is the suspicion that sometimes comes with my "single status." People that are insecure in their relationships sometimes feel threatened by single people. Honestly, we are not out there trying to steal your partners. There's no reason to whisk your husband away from me if we are engaged in a conversation- join in and let's all talk.

What I find sad is those people that have to constantly be in a relationship just so they don't have to be alone. These are the overlappers. They will stay in an unsatisfying relationship until they can find a replacement, just so they don't have to be alone. The concept of overlapping is pretty distasteful to me. Not only are you dishonoring your current partner by being on the lookout for his or her replacement, you are not giving yourself the time and space to figure out who you really are or what you really need. Being single is a wonderful opportunity for self-exploration and growth. Don't deny yourself the opportunity because you are afraid of being alone. I guarantee that you will look back on the experience as one of the best parts of your life.

Yes, we do live in a Two by Two world, and I think that we are wired to be in relationships. But don't settle for something that doesn't meet your needs out of fear. Life is a magical thing, full of adventure and excitement. Be confident in taking the time to really get to know yourself- it will ultimately make you a better partner. It's ok to be the lone unicorn on the Ark- after all, unicorns are magical creatures and so are you. Enjoy and explore your uniqueness, live your life fully and embrace all your experiences. By being centered and knowing fully who you are, you will be much more likely to make a wise choice in a partner. Don't settle for just anyone because you don't want to be alone-the stakes are too high- this is YOUR life!

Throwing Rocks

I'll bet you thought this would have something to do with people living in glass houses, right? Well, that's a subject for another time. What I'm talking about today is the way the universe, God, intuition or whatever you want to call it, communicates with us. And what happens when we don't pay attention.

I believe that there's something that we can all tap into that guides us through our lives if we just pay attention. I'm just going to call it "The Universe" here because I know that we all have different belief systems and it's not of interest to me right now to debate the existence of God. I'll leave that for someone else. What I do want to talk about is the universal phenomenon of ultimate purpose or destiny- of learning the lessons that we were meant to learn and making the impact in this life that we were meant to make. I do believe that "The Universe" speaks to us and shows us the path that we need to take- the trouble is most of us don't pay attention to the subtle ways that that it starts.

I can't remember where I originally heard the analogy (although it was probably Oprah), but it was explained something like this: The Universe speaks to you in whispers at first. It's not unlike someone throwing a small pebble at you to get your attention. If you ignore the pebbles that are being thrown, soon the messages will become more aggressive- the pebbles become bigger rocks. The impact becomes stronger and the consequences for not taking action more painful. But many of us choose to continue to ignore those rocks, even though they continue to hurt us as they strike. Soon The Universe has no choice but to knock us out with a boulder. It's unfortunate, but sometimes that's what it takes to force us into change. We cling to what is familiar until it becomes so uncomfortable that we must change for our very survival or we resist change until it is forced upon us by an outside source.

Change is scary, and most humans are reluctant to it on some level. We tend to cling to what we know, regardless as to whether or not it is beneficial to our lives or serving a purpose. Ask yourself how many times you have neglected to heed the pebbles in your life....until you were hit with that boulder. How much pain could you have avoided by listening to The Universe's messages to you? Be aware of the rocks that are being thrown, and respond before the message has to be so strong that it becomes crushing. We are all here to learn and to grow- don't make it more painful than it has to be.

Benefit of the Doubt

"She said she wanted to go out with her friends- she must be out with another guy."
"He didn't answer my text for over 4 hours! I must not be very important to him."
"When he comes home from work, he never wants to talk. He just wants to veg out in front of the TV. He doesn't love me anymore."

Any of this sound familiar?

There seems to be a lot of people out there that automatically assume the worst or apply negative meaning to the actions of others. But why? When did we stop giving each other the benefit of the doubt and start assuming the worst about people's motivations? In my experience, these assumptions are often wrong and all they do is add stress to a relationship. Aren't relationships challenging enough without heaping on extra servings of negativity? Why can't we just assume the best or at least have a neutral reaction to other people's behavior?

I've heard a couple of explanations for this type of reactive response. Now I'm not a psychologist- heck I don't even play one on TV, so I can't attest to the validity of any of these theories beyond my own experience and what I can recognize as patterns of behavior. To illustrate these theories, I will call the folks that engage in these patterns the "Baggage Handler," the "Paranoid" and the "Projector."

The Baggage Handler's story is a sad one. These poor souls are the emotionally wounded among us. They're the people that are deeply scarred from the betrayals of previous lovers, who now find it exceedingly difficult to trust. They have yet to release the pain and therefore carry around this extra baggage into subsequent relationships. The result is that the new love interest often has to pay the price for the ex's crimes. If the ex was a cheat, then any potential partner is a cheat. No one can be trusted, and all stand accused. The Baggage Handler applies the ex's bad behavior to everything that the new partner does, regardless of correlation. The falsely accused eventually gets tired of all the unnecessary drama and usually calls it quits on the relationship. The Baggage Handler often feels vindicated when this happens, since he or she felt that the new partner would never stay with them anyway.  Thus the behavior is reinforced, unfortunately to be propagated in the next relationship.

The Paranoid is the insecure person who has low self-esteem. Because of their own self-loathing, they can't really understand why anyone else would really want to be with them. They never quite feel good enough, or loved enough, and because of this insecurity, they are constantly reading negativity into every one else's behavior. The partner of the Paranoid can never just be reflective if they are quiet- they must be upset or not love them anymore, or they must be thinking about someone else. The Paranoid's need for reassurance is so extreme that the partner feels as though they can never fill the void. They feel as though they are constantly walking on a tightrope or jumping through hoops in order to convince the Paranoid of their love and loyalty. Eventually this circus act becomes so exhausting that the partner just gives up, often leaving the Paranoid in a worse state than which they found them.

The Projector is perhaps the worst of the bunch. They are manipulative and deceitful, projecting their own bad behaviors onto to those that they are involved with. A Projector is the person that is unfaithful to their partner and then accuses his or her partner of being the same. They draw from their own experiences and desires and project them onto whomever they are in a relationship with. The partner of a Projector is constantly trying to prove themselves to be honest and trustworthy, however as soon as one accusation is refuted, another one comes up. It becomes a useless battle as the Projector cannot believe that everyone is not just like them. Eventually the falsely accused tires of being on the defensive all the time and leaves the relationship.

So, what does one do when issues come up? We all want to understand someone else's motivation, particularly if we feel hurt by their behavior. But rather than apply our own meaning to it, why not just ask? So many misunderstandings can be avoided by NOT assuming that we know why people do or say the things that they do. We all have filters through which we view our world that are formed by our own experiences. But these lenses often distort, and even when we think that something appears clear to us, it doesn't always mean that it is someone else's reality. So before you apply negative meaning to someone else's behavior, take a moment and consider that you may be misinterpreting. You might save yourself from creating your own anxiety and from putting undue stress on your relationships. People that take an optimistic view of the world report much greater levels of happiness and satisfaction in their relationships. So the next time that you start letting your imagination run away with you or start applying negative meaning to someone else's behavior, stop yourself. Consider that your own point of view is just that- your own point of view. It may have nothing to do with that other person's reality. Chances are, you'll find all of your relationships improving by just giving that person the benefit of the doubt.

Playing with the Monster

When I was a little kid, I was terrified that a monster lived in my closet. He had a pale face, long fangs and sharp claws. He also looked surprisingly similar to Ronald McDonald, but that's a whole other story. Anyway, I was afraid to go into my closet because I was afraid of what lived in there. I just knew that the monster could consume me, or at least hold me hostage long enough for me to be forgotten.

Now that I've grown up, I realize that the monster never lived in my closet at all. My monster lived in my mind. Both dark places, to be sure, and both scary to explore. Unfortunately my fear remains the same- if venture in there too deeply, will I be consumed or lose myself to the outside world?

There seems to be a fear of internal exploration amongst us. Or if not fear, a generalized avoidance. We seek information from other sources, looking for advice from friends or the Internet, searching for our answers outside of ourselves. We are constantly being bombarded by outside stimuli. We keep ourselves busy with external activities and get caught up in our day to day routines, without ever tapping into our greatest resource: our own minds. Why? Do we fear the isolation that is required for quiet reflection? Or do we feel a strange void when we block out the noise of the outside world? Without all the outside stimulation we often feel lost, alone and in need of a guide. But there is no one that can guide us through the darkest recesses of our own minds. Psychologists and Philosophers try, however there is too much unexplored territory to provide us with detailed maps.



If we really let ourselves go, would we spiral out of control? Would it be a rapid decent into madness from which we would never return? Or could we somehow balance our day to day routines with an occasional retreat into our inner consciousness? Could we manage to remove the structure from our thought processes and encourage our brains to work in a way that we rarely allow- a free form method of creativity that does not follow what we have come to label as "logic?"



Most people that I know do not allow for that kind of exploration. We say that we don't have the time, or that we don't know how to meditate, or that it's just not that important. But the one thing that has endured through time is our ability to tap into something bigger than just our physical world. It defines who we are as humans. Our ability to tap into this energy is what connects us with each other through the collective unconscious. Unfortunately we let things get in the way of exploring our minds- we fear what we might find in there. So we avoid the unknown all together; keeping ourselves busy in our over-stimulated lives; doing what we are told we "should" do and never listening to our inner voice.



But what would happen if we played with that monster? Certainly it would become less threatening over time. The dark recesses of our minds do not have to be scary if we are able to refrain from judging the things that we find there. And who knows what you might stumble upon? We just might find ourselves becoming better humans, with the ability to form better connections with those around us. We could also gain the capability to solve our problems in new and exciting ways. And best of all, we would find that our unexplored mind is not really a monster at all, but the path to enlightenment.

About Time

Is Time a benevolent or cruel mistress? Time is the one commodity that we cannot earn, buy or trade. It can only be squandered or maximized.

I don't know about you, but I don't often think about Time as a finite thing- I sometimes live my life as if I had all the Time in the world. Occasionally I even find myself wishing that Time would go by faster: I can't wait for the work week to end so that I can get to the weekend or for it to be summertime again....but if my Time here on earth is limited, why would I want to fast-forward through it?

I have a huge bucket list of all the things that I want to learn, see or do before I die. That's not to say that I haven't already had extraordinary adventures- I've been fortunate enough in my life to have done more things than most people will be able to experience in a lifetime. Yes, I am greedy when it comes to living my life passionately, but sometimes I get lazy. I forget that Time moves forward regardless of whether I do or not.

In thinking about some of the things that I want to accomplish, I was struck by the realization that I am sometimes guilty of squandering away my most precious commodity. Reality, like Time, is not forgiving. I have no excuse for not achieving some of my goals yet; Time has moved forward, but I have not. Sure I could make the standard excuse "Well, I just haven't had the time," but I know that's bullshit. I have the time- we all have the same amount of hours given to us every day. I just haven't used it for that purpose. Sometimes I have wasted it doing useless things like watching television, or being a voyeur on the Internet. Sure, I can "justify" wasting time my Time by saying that I needed to do something mindless for a while, but the truth of the matter is I will never get back those hours. Was I being inspired by those activities? Did they really enhance my life? Will I be on my deathbed one day wishing I had spent more of my Time doing those things?

That's not to say that we should be over-scheduling ourselves. In fact, I believe that many of us are already hyper-stimulated, but often by the wrong things. We work long hours, over-extend ourselves by making too many commitments and exhaust all of our energy engaging in activities that do nothing to feed our souls. We are usually so sped up that when we do slow down, we shut down completely.

Time is the one thing we can control if we put our attention on it. Health and Wealth are often a matter of luck. How we choose to spend our Time is more within our control. Are you making each moment of your life matter? Are you surrounding yourself with people that inspire and delight you? Are you learning new things and exposing yourself to new experiences? Are you challenging yourself daily? Are you making a positive impact on the world and those around you?

Each moment you have right now, is one that you will never regain- are you making conscious choices about these moments? The quality of your life is defined by how you spend your Time. So isn't it about time that you started thinking about it?

Center of the Universe

One of the most liberating realizations that I have ever had is that I am not the center of the universe. Oh sure, it sounds really cool to be the cause of all things that happen, however I think that by releasing the belief that everyone's behavior is somehow related to me, I was able to gain freedom from anxiety and was able to develop a much greater compassion for those around me.

There was a time in my life that I believed that everyone's emotional state of mind was somehow a result of something that I said or did. Every perceived slight created a sense of anxiety in me that I had somehow "done something" to upset that person or make them act that way. If a sales clerk was rude or inattentive, they were somehow responding negatively to me. If my partner was quiet or surly, it was because I had said or done something wrong. If my boss was dismissive, it must be because she was unhappy with my work. If a friend didn't return my call right away, she must be mad at me. You get the picture: I created my own stress and insecurity. What I needed to do was to take myself out of the equation. Chances were, their behavior had nothing to do with me anyway, and by not assuming that I was the cause of people's negativity, I was able to free myself from unnecessary anxiety. My overactive imagination became an impediment to developing happy and healthy relationships with those around me, so I decided to stop thinking that the world and everyone else's behavior revolved around me.

Another thing that I stopped doing is assuming that I understood everyone else's motivation. We've all been driving down the freeway when someone comes speeding along, tailgating and swerving in and out of vehicles. "What an asshole!" is usually our reaction. If this happens on a day in which we may be feeling a little aggressive, we turn into the idiot that we perceive that driver to be! We speed up or slow down so that driver can't pass. Or we flip off the person off or yell profanities. But let's reframe this: what if that person is really rushing to the hospital or experiencing some other sort of emergency? Maybe that person is not really a jerk at all, but just reacting to some stimuli that is unknown by us. By not assuming the other driver's motivation, we keep ourselves from becoming the asshole that we perceive them to be.

Many of us work in high pressure jobs, and unfortunately, people in the workplace don't always treat their colleagues with tact and diplomacy. But if we assume that our co-worker's short-temper or ill-phrased comment is a reflection of their opinion of us, we may be doing ourselves a disservice and harming an otherwise good working relationship. What if you just cut your co-worker a little slack, and instead of assuming that he or she is reacting to you, just chalk it up to them having a bad day? By not making someone else's behavior about you, you are able to handle situations and interact with people with much more understanding.

We all have a tough time when we feel as though someone is not being sensitive to our needs and feelings, but let's face it- it's not always about us. Sometimes it's just about them. You can save yourself a lot of grief by letting go of the belief that everyone's behavior is somehow a reaction to you. By not thinking that you are the center of the universe, you free yourself from everyone else's emotional gravity.

Wings

I held a butterfly with a broken wing;

I raced the dragonflies along the stream.

It made me wonder if it is better to be

beautiful and broken, or fast and free.

Birds of a Feather

What does your choice of friends say about you? We've all heard the saying "birds of a feather flock together," but are your friends truly a reflection of who you are and what you represent? Or does fate put people in our lives that become important to us irrespective of commonality?

With over 6 billion people on our planet, we have limitless opportunities to develop relationships with others. So how do we decide who becomes a part of our inner circle? Do we seek out those that seem familiar because of shared interests and/or values? Or are we attracted to our opposite in order to obtain some sort of psychological equilibrium or to challenge ourselves? Do we even consciously choose at all?

Perhaps is it more fate-driven. Maybe the universe puts people in our lives that give us what we need at the time. Sometimes people come into our lives to help us heal and to give us hope. These people may not always stay in our lives, but they provide an emotional life preserver to us when we need it.

Other people come into our lives to teach us lessons that we need to learn. These people may cause us great grief, by challenging us. Careful examination of these relationships often reveal a part of our own character or behavior that needed to change in order for us to grow. These relationships can be quite painful, however if we take responsibility for our role in how things played out, we can become a better version of ourselves.

The relationships that we form create meaning in our lives. They build us up and they tear us apart. We learn, we grow and we feel part of something bigger than ourselves. Our friends are there to support us, and sometimes call us out when they see us getting off track. Bottom line: we are pack animals. We are hard-wired to gravitate toward others, and to develop relationships with those around us. Perhaps it really doesn't matter how or why a person comes into your life at all; maybe a better question to ask yourself is what you are bringing to theirs.

Taking Your Own Advice

It's funny how easy it is to give other people advice. When people come to me with their problems, I am able to listen to the issue with an open mind, consider all the options, and remain objective and practical. It's probably why my phone is always ringing and people are always in my office. I'm a "fixer," and I seem to have the patience and wisdom that people look for when they run into problems.

The irony is that it seems so hard to be clear-headed about my own problems. It's so easy to let emotions cloud better judgement, and sometimes I just feel stuck.

So what do I do when this happens? Well, because I'm a bit of a control freak, I often put a lot of pressure on myself to find immediate solutions. Sometimes an immediate plan of action is necessary, but often times where emotional issues are concerned, I just don't need to have everything figured out right away. Sometimes just letting things take their natural course is the best plan of action, so I just need to let it go. Definitely easier said than done- I'm very hard on myself when I don't have everything figured out. Of course when other people come to me with their problems and it's obvious that they really don't have to make a decision right away, I advise them to leave it alone for a while. "You don't have to decide now," is what I say to people struggling with issues when immediate solutions aren't necessary. We shouldn't be afraid to put our concerns on the back burner for awhile. Things often have a way of working themselves out, especially when it comes to emotional issues. We just need to create a little space to gain perspective.

The other thing that I struggle with is cloudy judgement when it comes to matters of the heart. The crazy thing is that if a friend came to me and described their relationship dynamics, I'd be able to give them razor-sharp advice. I know what works and what doesn't and what's healthy or not. Except when it's MY relationship. Funny how we can have so much clarity when it comes to someone else's problems but we're blind when it comes to our own.

The thing that saves me when I'm in that situation is pretending that I'm not in the situation at all. Here's what I mean: if a friend came to me and gave me all of the details of the issue that I was struggling with, how would I advise them? This enables me to look at things from a more objective point of view. By removing myself and my emotions out of the picture, I am able to see things with much greater clarity. It can be pretty hard to be objective about issues when you're stuck in the middle of them. However, you can gain perspective by taking yourself out of the equation (figuratively speaking of course), and imagining that you are advising someone that you care about instead.

This all comes down to taking your own advice. We all have an amazing ability to remain objective when it comes to other people's problems. Why not apply that same wisdom to your own? Figure out if you really need to worry about an outcome now, or if you might be better off to wait and see how things play out naturally. And when you become emotionally overwhelmed with an issue, ask yourself what you would tell a friend to do if they were in the same situation. Most of us really do instinctively know what to do when we run into problems, however we often let emotions cloud our better judgement. So take a step back and pretend you are advising a friend. When it all comes down to it, we should value ourselves as much as we value the other people in our lives, so doesn't it just make sense to take our own advice?

Damaged Goods

I guess we're all damaged goods if you think about it. Life beats us up pretty hard, and most of us have the emotional battle scars to prove it. Our experiences shape who we are, but they can also limit our ability to live our best lives.

Family dynamics often play a huge role in how we relate to one another. I don't know anyone that was not somehow "screwed up" by their parents. Children don't come with instruction manuals and most parents don't know what they're doing in spite of their best intentions. What we have to understand is that we are all products of our own experiences, and our parents are no exception. They did the best they could with the resources and experience that they had. You can either chose to chalk it up as a learning experience and rise above crazy family dynamics, or you can continue to blame your parents for all of your problems and let negative patterns continue to affect all your relationships. I don't care how dysfunctional your family might have been, you can, with effort, get past it. I believe that letting a negative past continue to control your future is one of the most self-destructive things a person can do to themselves.

Most of us have been wounded by love at one time or another. Our partners disappoint us, leave us, or wind up not being the people that we think they are or want them to be. Yes, we get our hearts ripped out and tossed on the floor- the problem is that most of us never consider picking our heart back up and putting it back in. We walk around empty, fearing vulnerability, and never develop the courage to love again. But why chose to stay broken? Wounds can heal if you just take the time to repair the damage. So how do you go about repairing the emotional trauma that we all experience?

The first step is to identify your triggers. Do you ever find that you overreact to certain circumstances? If so, that's a pretty good indicator that you've got an emotional scar that probably hasn't quite healed. When you find yourself overreacting or feeling hypersensitive about something that someone says or does, stop for a minute. Identify what it is that caused you pain. What was the behavior that brought on that response? Then look back into your emotional history and try to find what kind of similar experiences you may have had. We often overreact because some old wound never properly healed, and until we identify that wound, we are bound to remain stuck repeating unhealthy patterns.

Secondly, you have to understand your role and responsibilities in the original and subsequently similar situations. Did your behavior cause or contribute to the problem? Unless you are able to look critically at yourself and understand how you contribute to your own pain, you will never fully be able to break free from the cycle.

The final step is to let it go. You know that you can't change the past, and hanging on to pain and negative energy only hurts you in the end. It's very important that you learn what you need through every experience and in every relationship. What you don't need to do is hang on to anger or hurt. This process takes a while and isn't always easy, but the more you realize that we are all operating from a place of dysfunction on one level or another, you can come to the understanding that the pain others may have caused you may not have been intentional. People evolve at different rates and operate from different levels of consciousness. Sometimes other people's behavior doesn't have anything to do with you at all, but rather everything to do with their own dysfunctions. As much as you may hate to admit it, you are not the center of the universe, and other people's behavior may have very little to do with you at all.

So yes, we're all damaged goods to some degree. But it's entirely up to you to decide if you want to remain in an entirely broken state, or do the work necessary to repair what has been broken. Hearts and spirits are much more resilient that you realize, and with a conscious approach to your emotional reactions, you can begin to identify your battle wounds and make sure that they are healing properly. You might be surprised to find that most damage can actually be undone.

Tug of War

I find it odd that whenever people get involved in an emotional/physical relationship, a power struggle often ensues. It starts out benign enough, but eventually turns into an emotional tug of war. One person is often pulling with all their might, while the other feels a sense of panic as they feel dangerously close to being hurled into the mud.

Relationships, particularly in their embryonic stages, are exciting, scary and often confusing. We're not sure how much of our feelings to share with our new partner because we don't know where their heads are at- and so the game begins...

In the beginning, there's often one person who is more aggressive in moving the relationship along. They call regularly, text, make plans and generally rush to take things to the next level as quickly as possible. This can make the recipient of all this attention feel like they have the upper-hand, or it can send him or her into a state of panic because they feel that things are moving a little too fast. So the recipient, in an attempt to regain balance digs in their heels and pulls back. Maybe they make themselves less available because they don't want to feel consumed. Perhaps they feel pressured to give up the rest of their interests or lives to be in this relationship, or maybe they just prefer to move at a slower emotional pace. In any case, the result always seems to be the same: they attempt to find their balance by digging in, refusing to become vulnerable or moving forward.

The result of this is that the initial aggressor is left confused or hurt, and they often retreat emotionally because they feel rejected. They stop pulling and there's nothing but slack in the rope. But none of us like the feeling of slack, so more often than not, the other person begins to feel ignored and they start to pull. They miss that initial attention and start to pursue their partner with a greater sense of urgency. Unfortunately, what has already manifested are hurt feelings and a sense of vulnerability. Sometimes it's too late, the damage has already been done and the relationship just dies because it is just too little, too late. Other times, it sets in motion a pattern that lasts as long as the relationship is in tact- with one person always pulling and the other in retreat mode- the power shifts back and forth like a metronome.

It's really hard to put yourself out there emotionally when it comes to relationships. We're all afraid of being vulnerable and getting hurt. But what if we never tried? Part of truly living is loving. And yes, sometimes love hurts! But it's also what connects us, what makes us human and what drives us to be our best.

Perhaps if we were just able to communicate our fears honestly with our partners, we would have a greater understanding of what each other needed to feel safe. If we could drop our guard and not take our partner's fears personally, we could listen without feeling threatened. The struggle between dependence and independence is an ongoing one for all of us. None of us want to lose our sense of self in order to be in a relationship, but striking that balance is very difficult. Pulling on the rope is emotional manipulation. It either feels self protective or too aggressive, and it doesn't really serve any healthy purpose.

What if we just considered dropping the rope? Maybe then no one would have to wind up in the mud.

We're Not Getting Out of This Alive

There comes a point in all of our lives that we become acutely aware of our own mortality- an existential crisis of sorts, where we all begin to question what our lives are all about, and if we're really living them at all.

Modern life is not ordinarily conducive to this sort of reflection: we get so caught up in the day-to-day grind that we rarely stop to question whether or not we are truly living the lives that we were meant to live. Sometimes it takes a crisis to slow us down such as the death of a friend, a health scare or even the approach of a milestone birthday. In any event, it makes me wonder why we are not living our lives more consciously. Why should it take some sort of catastrophic event for us to reflect on the meaning of our lives? Shouldn't we be making choices everyday that bring us closer to being our best selves?

I recently found out that a friend of mine has a year to live. It was quite a shock, especially considering that she is not even in her 40's. It got me thinking about how all of our days are numbered. Life is a finite thing, and yet we often coast along as if we had all the time in the world. We put off doing things or connecting with people that we love because there's always tomorrow. But is there?

What if we lived every day as if it were our last? What would that look like? Would you listen more carefully when someone speaks? Would you open your eyes to the beauty around you? Would you stop to reflect on who you are and what you are passionate about? Are you consciously creating the life you've always dreamed about?

Life is a precious thing and unfortunately it's not going to last forever. Take a moment right now to think about what you want your life to mean- how you'd want to be remembered, and then start working backwards. What can you do today, right here, right now, to get closer to that ideal? Remember- you're not getting out of this alive, so you might as well really start living.

Back in the Saddle

Boy, did I get thrown from that horse! I got really hurt, so I was afraid to get back in the saddle for a long, long time. But I love to ride, so eventually I had to decide whether or not to let my fear of getting hurt separate me from something that I really want in my life. And so it goes with love.....

I've had my heart broken a time or two, and I'm sure there are those that would say that I have done the same to them. It's something that we all experience, and it never seems to get any easier the second, third, or whatever time around. Let's face it, heartbreak sucks! So how do we process through it, learn the lessons that we need to learn and eventually get back in the saddle?

There are those that subscribe to the philosophy that you just have to get back up on that horse right away. When it comes to love, I would call that the "art of distraction." If you focus on a new object of interest, then you theoretically sweep your pain under the rug, at least for a while. The problem is, the pain is still there, and it's not going anywhere unless you do something with it. Oh sure, you may feel a little better for a while, but if you never process through it, it will just rear its ugly head again- probably to screw up your next relationship. If you don't sit back and analyze where things went off the rails in your last relationship, and acknowledge where you may have contributed to its problems, you are almost guaranteed to repeat your mistakes.

The worst thing you can do is overlap relationships. Cowards are especially fond of this technique because they are so uncomfortable with the idea of being alone, that they will manipulate two people until they are basically forced to make up their minds. Overlapping compromises your integrity, and it creates doubt in the new partner's mind about your ability to be loyal. After all, if it was that easy to take you out of a committed relationship, then how are they supposed to have faith that you can be loyal to them? In addition, overlapping never allows you to gain the understanding required to be more successful in a relationship the next time around. So if you are in a relationship that is not working out, please spare your current and potential partners the indignity of "the overlap." You'll feel much better about yourself in the long run.

Of course the flip side of the overlap and the art of distraction is allowing your fear of getting hurt to keep you from ever taking another chance on love. Oh sure, you might be saved from getting your heart broken again, but is that really living? Part of being fully engaged in life means experiencing all human emotions: happiness, joy, sorrow and pain. Without a few of the lows, would we ever be able to fully appreciate the highs? It's that beautiful contrast of emotions that really color our world. Even though I've gotten the shit kicked out of me by love, I'm not willing to give up the opportunity to experience those amazing highs again. Love really is a powerful thing: it can build us up and tear us down, but our faith in believing that we can, and will love again, will get us through those tough times. Isolating yourself from the possibilities of love only hurts you, even if it does feel safer at the time.

So what's the answer? Spend the time that you need to understand the dynamics of your failed relationships. We're all here to learn, and like it or not, failed relationships are probably our best teachers. We learn so much about ourselves when we can be objective about our relationship dynamics. So ask yourself what you needed to learn. What can you do better the next time around? How can you better communicate with a partner, and how can you be more sensitive to the needs of another human being? By taking the time to answer these questions, you will be better prepared to be in another relationship.

So don't let your fear of getting hurt get in the way of ever loving again. Take some time for yourself and surround yourself with friends and family so you don't feel alone. Process through what you need to and develop a better game plan for the next time around. And when you're ready, put your riding boots back on and get back up on that horse. Never let fear get in the way of enjoying a great ride!

Killing Polly

Don't worry, your parrots are safe. I'm talking about Pollyanna, that icon of blind optimism. You see, throughout my life I've been an incurable optimist. Optimism in itself is a wonderful thing: it gives us hope. But blind optimism, or the refusal to see people and circumstances for who or what they really are, can be detrimental to our well-being.

I've always prided myself on focusing on the best in people, in fact I've often said that I could get along with the devil himself if I had to. Unfortunately, looking back at my past experiences, I would say that I have put up with many people and circumstances that were clearly not good for me, just because I refused to focus on, or even truly acknowledge, the negative. My myopic optimism has not served me well- I've put up with tyrannical bosses, toxic friendships and men that carry around so much emotional baggage that we needed a bellhop 24/7. You cannot have clear vision if you are wearing rose-colored glasses.

Dr. Phil McGraw states that "people show you who they are, you just have to believe them." I can't think of a statement that is more true. We need to take people at face value, not filter them through our fantasy lens. Sometimes we want something so badly that we ignore what is really being presented to us. We choose to ignore red flags and we are attracted to people for "their potential" rather than for who they are. The problem is, most people never quite measure up to "their potential," so what we're stuck with is the reality. The whole point is, we need to quit trying to make people into what we wish they could be, and just acknowledge who they are. Most people are great, and those are the people that I want to surround myself with, instead of wasting time with those that are not.

Now I'll never be a cynic- it's just not in my nature. However I am going to start calling a spade, a spade, instead of a diamond in the rough. I'm no longer going to blindly accept that all people have my best interest in mind and believe that all people are honest with me. Unfortunately experience has taught me otherwise. That being said, I still believe that there are wonderful people in our world and that life is a great adventure, but I'm no longer going to overlook the obvious just because I want to believe the best about everybody. So I'm taking off my rose colored glasses and finally enjoying 20/20 vision.

And as for Pollyanna? May she rest in peace.

Pants On Fire

To tell the truth, nothing but the truth, so help me God.

Truth telling seems to be lost on many of us. Society teaches us that sometimes it is better (easier) to tell "little white lies" as opposed to being honest about what we want or how we feel. As children we often learn that there are repercussions in telling the truth. So what is that really doing for our society and our relationships?

In his book , Loving Each Other, Leo Buscaglia states " Only the truth can help us feel secure. Only truth can bring us the necessary trust needed for long-lasting relationships. Only truth, painful though it may sometimes be, can create a safe environment of unity and growth." Without truth, our relationships are like a house of cards- not stable. Without honesty, there can be no trust, and without trust, there ultimately can be no relationship.

Unfortunately, there are many people that fear telling the truth. They are so paralyzed by the possibility of short-term repercussions that they fail to understand the long-term affects that lies have on a relationship. Often these people are so fearful of rejection they will say anything to avoid conflict. This avoidance of the truth only serves to create a chasm between the liar and the partner. Even though the partner may not be aware of the untruth, the lie erodes the relationship. The liar often (unless he or she is a Sociopath) experiences some anxiety in telling the lie. The liar now must also try to remember the fabrication in detail, so that he or she does not tell a different story the next time the issue comes up. The whole process becomes emotionally exhausting and ultimately takes its toll on a relationship. Relating and connecting become much more difficult because the energy that is expended in covering one's tracks depletes what emotional energy one has to give to the relationship.

Some would say that there are different degrees of lying, ranging from "little white lies" to "pants on fire" lies. The little white lie is often used to avoid hurting someone's feelings, and some would say that they are necessary to live in polite society. But really, couldn't we just be honest and work on our delivery so that the truths that we tell are not hurtful? If relationships are built on trust, we must be honest with one another. Sensitivity and truth-telling can go hand in hand if we take the time to think about how the people in our lives will respond to our message. The bottom line is that if we ever expect to have deep relationships, we must be able to express what we think and how we feel without fear of retribution. It takes a lot of confidence to be a truth teller, confidence that can only be built with practice.

So if you want to build deep, solid relationships, tell the people in your life how you feel. Be honest, even when it seems difficult. More often than not, you will find that the people in your life respect you much more for being honest with them. Sure, a little diplomacy never hurts. Just remember, if you want to build strong bonds with people and earn their trust, you cannot stretch or omit the truth. No one will ever be able to be close to someone that has their pants on fire.

Burying the Dead

“They build a cemetery right across the street from your house!” exclaimed my friend Jen.

Part of me thought that it was a little creepy having a cemetery so close, after all, I’d seen every horror flick made between 1964 and 1980, thanks to a mother with a fascination with the macabre. Images of flesh-eating zombies danced in my head as Jen continued filling me in on the recent zoning changes in my neighborhood. How am I going to sleep? I wondered to myself. All I could think about were the nightmares that I was likely to have from here on out. “I don’t know if I’m going to be able to live that close to a cemetery,” I told Jen.

“But it’s really beautiful,” replied Jen, “You’ll see.”

What’s that going to feel like? I wondered for myself. I instinctively felt an aversion to having the dead so close to me. As we rounded the corner, what came into view was not a scene out of one of my mother’s movies, but rather an image of peace, tranquility and rest. A long pergola with flowering branches graced the entrance. There were no headstones, just grand expanses of lush, green grass. The air was fresh, and I could hear birds singing and children laughing. I felt content. And then I woke up.

Curious dream, I thought to myself. The emotions that it evoked were so strong, the images so clear.

Later that day, I participated in a Yoga Nidra workshop. If you’re not familiar with Yoga Nidra, think relaxation poses combined with hypnotherapy and you’ll have the idea. I’d been having trouble sleeping since the awful breakup of my last relationship, and I knew that I had to develop a healthy way to get a good night’s sleep, so I’d signed up for the class. The heading on the flyer said “Sleep Like a Baby with Yoga Nidra.” Well, I was already sleeping like a baby (waking up every two hours!), but I was pretty sure that was not what they meant.

When I walked into the workshop, I was surprised to find about 60 other insomniacs already camped out around the room. Bolsters and blankets were stacked around all of the participants- the essentials for human nest-making in the world of yoga.

Lisa, our guide in this journey, led us through some gentle yoga poses before settling us into Savasana, (also known as Corpse Pose). Eyes closed, body relaxed, mind quiet. I listened to Lisa’s voice, following her instructions as she directed our attention to different parts of our bodies. As we settled into our trance-like states, I could hear participants around the room starting to snore. I would later joke with my friends about sleeping with 60 people in one afternoon.

I followed Lisa’s voice as she then called out images to the group, “Golden Egg, Pyramid, Eagle…” Pictures flashed through my mind with little consequence or emotional reaction. “Dancing Shiva, Om, Mandala…” she continued. “Dead Body…”

Whoa! I felt my whole spiritual body lurch back in aversion to that one! The image hit my unconscious in a way that I had never felt before. It was unsettling, and I found myself a little disturbed that she threw something so repulsive in amongst all those other pleasant images that she was suggesting. My emotional reaction was so great that it stuck with me. Why did my spiritual body/unconscious react in such a violent way?

As Lisa closed the session, she asked if any of us experienced any kind of physical/emotional reactions to any of the images. She explained that if we felt any strong sensations, it was because our spirits needed to release a fear, desire or old wound. She was asked by one of the other participants why she threw in “dead body” amongst all of those other benign images. She explained that all the images were archetypes or parts of the collective unconscious. She said that most Americans fear death, but that death is a natural part of the life cycle; that we must accept death as inevitable, and understand that our peace with its concept will help us fully embrace our lives. She continued by explaining that any kind of strong sensation that we experienced to any of the images was our subconscious releasing spiritual pain.

After the workshop, I felt an odd sense of peace, in fact I felt a sense of contentment that I hadn’t felt in over a year. My long term angst had everything to do with the dissolution of my last relationship. That breakup had been the ultimate betrayal and heartbreak, leaving me wondering if I could/would ever be able to love and trust again. For a while after I had kicked that man out of my life, I found myself still wanting him on some level. To stop that pattern, I started my own little practice of aversion therapy. Whenever I found myself missing him or thinking that he was good (which he clearly was not), I would picture him as a maggot-ridden, rotting corpse. I know, it sounds gross, but it definitely stops any thoughts of desire dead in their tracks! I pictured the smell, the decay and all of the worst images of death. No one wants to snuggle up with a corpse, the only practical thing to do with the dead is to bury it.

You see, hanging on to lost love, or a fantasy of reuniting with someone that is clearly bad for you is kind of like clinging to the dead. If you can’t let go, you can never be open to what life can offer you in love. If you’ve ever read Faulkner’s short story A Rose for Emily, you’ll know what I mean. Clinging to a corpse keeps you stuck. In order to move forward, you must bury the dead once and for all.

So it all came together in my unconscious that day: the cemetary in my dream, the release in the Yoga Nidra workshop and my own images of a love that had died. My unconscious had finally thrown that last shovel of dirt on the corpse, putting it where it belonged, in its final resting place. I was now free, no longer haunted by unresolved issues: the flesh-eating zombies of the unconscious. I had buried my dead and was now able to fully embrace my life.

Full Disclosure

To tell, or not to tell? That is the question.

As much as we may try to convince ourselves otherwise, we all want to be loved and accepted by others. We want people to think highly of us and not judge us for our imperfections. To avoid rejection, we often keep parts of ourselves hidden from the very people that we want to be closest to. We don't express our hopes and fears, nor do we share the mistakes that we have made in the past. Unfortunately, this only leaves us feeling isolated and doubting our self worth. After all, how can someone really love us if they don't know who we really are?

Full disclosure is a leap of faith. Showing the world who you are, imperfections and all, is a scary thing. We don't know how others are going to react and more often than not, we project that they will meet our confessions with rejection. So rather than sharing who we are, we continue to hide behind our social mask, hoping that we can maintain the persona that we have created, all the while feeling alone.

When we fail to let people know us, we live our lives feeling isolated. If no one knows the "real you," how can they fully love and accept you? This becomes a vicious cycle: you don't feel accepted, so you hide more of who you are, retreating behind your social veneer farther and farther until you feel completely alienated. What you don't realize is that you are doing it to yourself!

Meaningful relationships are built on trust and acceptance. If you do not have trust in the people around you to accept who you really are, then perhaps you are hanging out with the wrong people. People instinctively want to connect with others- it's how we're wired. We all want to feel part of something bigger than ourselves, part of a larger group. We want to belong. However in order for that to happen, we must have faith that those around us will love us, blemishes and all.

Everyone has their issues. No one is perfect, and no one expects you to be perfect either. Perfection is a myth- an unattainable goal. Besides, the idea of perfection is subjective anyway- one person's "perfect" may be another person's crap! The best anyone can strive for is to try to live their lives being true to themselves.

Confidence and great relationships are based on being honest with yourself and honest with others. People are not always going to agree with your opinions, and that's OK. You're also going to occasionally say or do things that people don't like or don't agree with, and that's OK too. But at least you will know who you are and others will know you too.

If you really want to gain confidence and have meaningful relationships, start practicing full disclosure. Show people who you really are. Talk to them about your experiences, both good and bad. Share what you have learned in this life so far. Sharing yourself with others creates confidence and bonds you with the people in your life. The people that love you are going to accept that you are not perfect. When people share who they are, they learn from one another and create a sense of community.

We have to remember that in order to create a meaningful existence, we need to connect with others. Without full disclosure, there is no connection. If you want to make an impact, be true to yourself and honest with others. You are unique and beautiful. People will accept you. Strong relationships will develop and your confidence will increase. Being honest about who you are will enhance every aspect of your life. So what are you waiting for? Get out there and show the world the real you!

Finding Happiness

How often have you heard people say "If only I had (fill in the blank: more money/a better job/a different partner), I would be happy?" It is as if they believe that by changing a circumstance, all of their problems will be solved. Now I don't deny that sometimes circumstances do need to change for a person to live their best life, however the point that I am trying to make here is that if a person is constantly looking to "find happiness" outside of themselves, they will always wind up being disappointed.

Happiness is not a destination, it is a state of mind. Searching for happiness is a futile endeavor; being happy is not.

Isn't that great news? We don't have to rely on any other source than ourselves to be happy. All we have to do is choose it!

I know that some of you may be thinking that it is easier said than done, but it really is that simple. Here's a couple of tips:

Stop upsetting yourself. Sometimes your imagination can be your own worst enemy. We often get stuck in a rut obsessing about problems. We rerun conflicts through our mind on a continuous loop, playing out a zillion different scenarios of what what we should have said or done differently. Sometimes we even create our own drama by making up conflicts that don't even exist. It's like we're writing a screenplay for a very bad soap opera. Stop it already! This kind of thinking is not good for your state of mind. It creates a lot of anxiety and keeps you focused on the past. When you catch yourself engaging in that sort of thought process, refocus on something else. Interrupt your negative thoughts and substitute something more positive and forward thinking. Worry and negative obsessing about an unpleasant circumstance will only bring you down.

Stop thinking about what you don't have. Seriously. We have gotten to the point in our society that we have lost our grip on reality. Consumerism and pop culture have created such a void in our psyches that we have all but forgotten that we are more fortunate than most of the people in this world. Even if you have suffered major setbacks: job loss, illness or loss of a loved one, there are many others that are worse off than you. Life is sometimes hard and often messy. It's just the way it is. The good news is that with pain comes purpose. The bad stuff that comes your way is kind of like having a fracture: we get stronger in the broken places. Start practicing downward comparison. I recently went through a bit of an emotional rough patch and was feeling pretty blue. When I opened my eyes to those around me and heard what they were going through, I realized that I was incredibly fortunate by comparison. Oh sure, I could always compare myself to someone that is smarter/richer/prettier than me, but that's just going to make me feel bad. A much more effective thought process is to compare myself to those less fortunate; it makes me grateful for what I have rather than thinking about what I lack. Gratitude is a gift that you give yourself.

Act like a child. No, I'm not saying to be egocentric and throw temper tantrums when you don't get your way. I'm saying that we should never lose our sense of curiosity, joy and laughter. Remember what it was like when you didn't worry about what others thought of you and you weren't trying to fit yourself into a model of what society wanted you to be? Remember when you were free to act silly and laugh at yourself? As adults, we take ourselves way too seriously; we have all but lost our sense of humor when it comes to ourselves. We've forgotten that joy can be found in the smallest things: the graceful way an autumn leaf falls to the ground, the smell of freshly mowed grass, the warmth of the sun on our faces. We get too busy in our lives to notice all of the magic around us. We forget how to play. Think back on the simple pleasures you enjoyed as a child: climbing a tree, rolling down a hill, swinging high on a swing. Remember how good all of those things made you feel? Embrace your creative and childlike spirit. Try new things and go new places. Get out of your routine and just go explore life as if it were a wonderful scavenger hunt. Laugh at yourself and surround yourself with people that you love. Talk to your friends about ideas rather than just problems. You'll be amazed at the way it can change your relationships and your focus.

Life is a journey. The end result will be the same for all of us. None of us are getting out of this alive, so we might as well try to enjoy the process as much as possible. Stop waiting for something/someone to come along to make you happy. It's not going to happen. Happiness is an emotional state, not a destination or end result of a circumstance. I think that's pretty good news, since my state of mind is about the only thing I have control of in this crazy world.